


Love Has a Thousand Stems

by babydollbucky



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bottom Bucky, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff, General Awkwardness, HEA, Implied Bottom Bucky, Kidfic, M TAGS: shrunkyclunks, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mentions of surgical procedures, Minor Character Death, Original female minor character, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Top Steve, adoption plans, background ClintNatasha, background TonyPepper, canon adjacent, canon death of character, explicit enthusiastic consent, heavy topics discussed, mentions of torture, mentions of/implied sex, mild description of amputation, offscreen death, past StevePeggy, suit kink (sort of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 11:36:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17980583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydollbucky/pseuds/babydollbucky
Summary: Captain America meets Bucky by chance. Then, Bucky meets Steve Rogers. Thrown by their mutual attraction, Steve and Bucky pursue a relationship amidst sometimes-debilitating insecurity, superhero issues, and cuddly family nights with Lily Barnes, Bucky's five year old. Their friends and family are determined to see them happy. But, Steve deserves so much better than a broken single dad with more baggage than he can carry. Bucky deserves more than to be collateral damage.The one thing they didn't count on?A love stronger than anything they've ever known.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Huntress79](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress79/gifts).



> HOORAY! My first fandom event ever is complete! This was written for the Stucky AU Big Bang 2018! What a blast it's been. I've made so many new friends, and grown so much as a writer. 
> 
> If you feel I've handled something inappropriately, please let me know how to fix it. If I've left out any tags you feel are important, I'd also like to know so that I can add them in. 
> 
> Special thank you to MikMarvel for the betaing and the the reassurance. You can find them on twitter at www.twitter.com/mikmarvel 
> 
> Lovely art has been provided by Huntress79. It's been great working with you, Sandy! I feel like I got really lucky for my first bang to have such an open person to work with. Find them here at the same username, and on tumblr as well. 
> 
> Here's the art post for this fic, check it out, give Sandy some love!  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/17978966?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_213280547
> 
> The title is from Amy Lee's Love Exists, which breaks my heart and makes me hopeful.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

  
June 9th, 2017

 

Sam swore up and down that this place had the best pastries. He said the coffee was “meh,” but the pastries were the moneymakers. Steve wanted a cinnamon bun. So there he was.

 

It was still a little weird to have Sam tell him where the good places were in New York, since he was from D.C., but Steve would give his friend the benefit of the doubt. He took suggestions and made his own opinions.

 

He was wearing his cap and sunglasses, not ready for attention this early in the morning. He was also sporting a beard-a recent development, which everyone apparently found _hilarious,_ but it worked. He just wanted his cinnamon bun, and wanted to get out of there ASAP because Tony had called a meeting. At 7am. Because he hadn’t slept in four days and was manic and “needed to get this out of his head before he crashed.” Steve didn’t know what “this” was, but he hoped it was something good, and not another conspiracy.

 

He was kind of sick of those.

 

So there was Steve, sunglasses hooked on the collar of his shirt, waiting for the person ahead of him to finish ordering. The bell on the door rang, signaling that someone else had come into the shop. Steve looked behind him to see, out of curiosity, who it was.

 

It was a man, about his own age-well, his biological age; he was still confused about that, to be honest-with dark brown hair that fell a little below his chin. He had sunglasses on, but when he flicked them up on his head, Steve could see that his eyes were a pale, almost translucent, grey-blue. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in a couple of days. He was objectively good-looking; beautiful, even. Steve had no problem admitting that.

 

He’d learned years ago about the strides the LGBTQIA community had made and how much more accepted it was to be a part of it, along with the hardships that still existed. He’d always liked men and women, but he couldn’t say that in the thirties and forties. He was reckless, but he had no desire to be beaten and arrested for that. So he had helped where he could, befriended people who seemed to need it. He had fallen so hard and so fast for Peggy that he had hoped it would never be an issue for him.

 

It didn’t work out that way. Steve never had the chance to find out what Peggy and he would have been like together. He had crashed the Valkyrie into the North Atlantic before anything had really happened. And then, he was seventy years in the future.

 

At least Peggy had still been alive when he came out of the ice, and he could visit her, as heartbreaking as it was. Now, he visited her grave when he felt the need to.

 

The person in front of Steve, a petite, middle-aged woman with garish red hair, took her order and thanked the cashier before moving aside so that Steve could order. He gave his order, and immediately heard a child’s voice say,

 

“Can I get a cinnamon bun too? Please, Daddy?”

 

Steve turned around to see who was speaking, and he laid eyes on a girl, maybe five years old. She looked strikingly similar to the man, who was also standing behind him. He turned back around, smiling a little at the girl’s question, and walked over to the pick up area a few feet away. By the time Steve’s eyes found the pair again, the man had already gotten his wallet out and ordered the pastry.

 

The child smiled, thanked her father, then grabbed the man’s left hand and patted it with her free one. Steve looked at their connected hands, and realized that one was made of metal. It was withdrawn from the tinier, skin and bone ones, and lain atop the owners head in a gentle pet.

 

When the dark haired man looked up and met his eyes, Steve realized he’d been staring at the two for a while. He abruptly turned around,  blushing a bit. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, or pry, or leer, but they were like magnets-he couldn’t help but be drawn in by these two. He was looking at his feet when he heard someone clearing their throat and his head popped up.

 

The cashier, a bemused teenager, was looking at him with a raised eyebrow. His cup and pastry sat on the counter in front of him, so he hurried to get his card out of his wallet. He handed it to the cashier, and replaced it in his wallet before taking his coffee and bun in hand, and turning to leave.

 

He couldn’t help but notice that the metal-handed man was staring at him, now. He had probably recognized Steve; it happened fairly often, despite his half-hearted attempts to disguise himself. He lifted a hand to wave when the little girl tugged at her father’s sleeve, pointed at Steve and said,

 

“Daddy, you should talk to him, he’s pretty!”

 

Steve choked, then ducked his head, while the man turned tomato-red. He went to reprimand his daughter, no doubt, but Steve just waved it off and said it wasn’t a problem. It was kind of cute, he supposed. He decided to cut the guy some slack and held out his right hand to shake.

 

The man looked up at him with wide eyes, while sticking out his right hand, seemingly without thinking about it. He whispered,

 

“Holy shit--you _are_ him…” He turned a deeper red and stammered, “I-I mean, you’re Cap, you’re-you’re really Captain America!”

 

The girl smacked her dad's arm, presumably for cursing. He mumbled an apology in her direction, but his eyes were glued to Steve.

 

Steve rubbed the back of his neck and answered,

 

“That I am. Steve Rogers, nice to meet you.” He waited for the other man’s hand to find his extended one.

 

“Uh, James Barnes, nice to meet you too. Wow, I never thought I’d--see you in a random place like this.” James had recovered from his initial shock and embarrassment enough to finally shake Steve’s hand. He was a military man, Steve realized from his posture, and the well-hidden, haunted look in his eyes. “Oh, and this is my daughter, Lily-Lily, say hi!” He put both hands on her shoulders.

 

She stuck her right hand out and clenched Steve’s with a surprising strength. Smiling widely, almost mischievously, she spoke.

 

“Hi, Captain Steve! You should date my daddy, you’re pretty!”

 

James’ right hand came up to smack his face, and he groaned, saying,

 

“Lily, you can’t say stuff like that to people, you know that.” He raised his head to Steve with an apologetic look. Steve brushed it off again claiming,

 

“It’s ok, she means well. Your dad is lucky to have you looking out for him!” He addressed Lily. She smiled up at him as her father spoke again.

 

“We should let you go, I’m sure you have Avenger stuff to do, right? Be safe out there, Cap.” James said sincerely. Steve was touched-it was rare that anyone acknowledged the danger the Avengers were frequently in, let alone expressed concern for them.

 

“Thank you, I’ll certainly try. I’ll see you guys around.” Steve left them with that, thinking that they were good people, and he wished them the best.

 

The walk back to the Tower was uneventful, except for the kid on a bike who had almost collided with Steve. Luckily, his reflexes helped avoid that mess.

 

He arrived back at the Tower with minutes to spare. He made his way to the conference room, sat at the long table, and took his time enjoying his coffee and cinnamon bun. His teammates filtered in one by one, and he greeted them each with a wave and a nod.

 

Tony wobbled in ten minutes late with a smoothie that was greener than Ireland, and probably smelled like dirt. His eyes were a little wild, his hair a mess. He was wearing different clothes from what he had on the last time Steve saw him, so he must have seen Pepper at some point, which was good.

 

He was talking a mile a minute about different tech he wanted to make for everybody. He hadn’t gotten to Steve’s gear yet, and Steve was a little tired, he wasn’t completely paying attention. He didn’t feel too badly about that.

 

His thoughts kept revisiting the man he had met, and the daughter who looked so much like him. He tried not to feel too badly that he probably wouldn’t see them again. He found that he wished he would.

 

**September 18, 2017**

 

It was Monday, and he had to pick up Lily from he preschool. So he walked to her building, trudging in the humid heat. There was a light breeze, not enough to be effective, but he appreciated it all the same. His hair was up in a bun. He couldn’t be bothered to deal with it today. He wished he had worn his sunglasses-the sun was bright, almost unbearably so.

 

It reminded him of being in the desert, where he felt blind despite the standard issue eyewear. The only difference was the oppressive humidity of a city on the water.

 

Today had been…a bad day. He’d been able to get Lily to school, but when he got home, well. He’d been pretty useless. Days like this one hadn’t knocked him on his ass in a long time. But the nightmare he’d had really shook him up.

 

_He didn’t remember his capture, just the explosion that knocked him out. When he awoke, he heard people around him speaking Kurdish, which he did not know. There was pain, agonizing pain, and a loud buzzing noise. He tried to move, but was strapped down somehow. His uniform had been stripped off of him._

 

_Everything hurt. But there was a sharp pain in his left arm, white-hot and unceasing. He looked down to see why it hurt so badly, and wished he hadn’t._

 

_It was covered in his own blood, pieces of shrapnel sticking out where they had cut. But that wasn’t what was causing the torturous pain._

 

_His arm was being cut off._

 

_He cried, and screamed, and yelled, and shouted, in every language he knew, for them to stop. They were taking his arm! He didn’t know if they were friendlies or not, he couldn’t understand them, didn’t know what was happening._

 

_He’d never been more terrified in his life._

 

_He’d passed out, and the next time he opened his eyes, he had no left arm and they were yelling at him._

 

_One man grabbed his remaining arm and yanked him up off the ground. They wanted him to stand, after they had cut his arm off without anesthesia._

 

_They wanted him to do a lot of things._

 

_He was punished for refusing._

 

_One man who had spoken English told him, as he sat tied in a chair with a knife sticking out of his thigh,_

 

_“You’re going to kill for us.”_

 

_He didn’t speak, couldn’t have if he wanted to for the delirium in his head._

 

_The knife twisted, he screamed--_

 

He was only grateful he hadn’t seemed to wake Lily up, hadn’t made a noise.

 

He was saved from his violent reverie by the doors of the school opening, and the kids running out, trailed by their vigilant teachers. He was surrounded by the other parents, some of them looking warily at him. He couldn’t really blame them. Sometimes he lost himself; he didn’t know what he did or looked like when he was caught up in his past. He knew he was intimidating, with his large frame, long hair, and metal arm.

 

He backed off and waited for Lily to spot him.

 

When she did, she took off running towards him with a bright smile. He couldn’t help but smile too.

 

She was the greatest thing to ever come out of his life. He was convinced that she saved him. She was the only one who could get him out of his own head back then. He would forever be grateful for the surprise he had gotten when he was still settling back into civilian life.

 

He loved her, more than he thought it was possible to love anyone. And he felt thoroughly unworthy of the love she returned.

 

As they walked back to their apartment, Lily prattling on about her day, Bucky caught a flash of gold. It was a man’s blond hair. A tall man, with broad shoulders, a narrow waist, and a wide stride. He was walking towards them, but he seemed totally oblivious to his surroundings. So much so, he almost collided with Bucky. Bucky was about to say something but Lily beat him to it.

 

“Captain Steve!” she addressed him, excitedly flapping a hand at him.

 

Bucky squinted and realized it was indeed Captain America.

 

The man stopped in his tracks, immediately looking to Lily. He seemed to recognize her, but when his eyes fell on Bucky, his whole face changed from pensive and thoughtful to brightly curious.

 

“Hi! Lily, right?” he asked when he looked back to the girl. “And James. How are you?”

 

Bucky could not believe he’d run into the Avenger twice in a couple of months. He’d never met anyone famous in his life (except the genius princess of Wakanda who had gifted him his prosthetic arm, but she wasn’t exactly famous, given how isolated the country preferred to stay). And now he’d met Captain America twice--and he’d remembered his and his daughter’s names.

 

“I just started school and it’s so much fun! We get to color and dance and take naps!” The girl said excitedly.

 

“How cool! Sounds like you’re going to have a great year!” Steve humored her. He looked at Bucky and winked. She ran to talk to a friend, Bucky yelling after her not to go too far. Steve chuckled.

 

“How are you, James?”

 

Bucky struggled to find an answer that would be acceptable; one that was not _well I had a nightmare about my torture and did nothing all day and now I have to get over it because my daughter needs me to._ All he could get out was,

 

“I’m uh-I’m good. I’m good, how are you, Cap?” He cringed internally. Of course Steve was busy as hell fighting aliens and saving people and shit. He was probably--

 

“I’m great, thanks! Just finished a mission in El Salvador, so I’m ready to sleep for a week,” Steve laughed.

 

It sounded like bells. He didn’t know how that was possible, given how deep Steve’s voice was, but it definitely had a musical quality. And his smile-- _Jeez, it’s like sunshine…_

 

Nope. _Get it together Barnes._ He couldn’t afford to be falling for a national icon, he’d just embarrass himself and then he’d never recover. Even if the beard was nice.

 

He realized that Steve was watching him, probably waiting for an answer of some sort.

 

“That sounds… exotic?” he tried. Steve laughed again.

 

“Well, barring the fighting, it was beautiful. What have you been up to?”

 

“Eh, not much, honestly. I pick up odd jobs here and there. If you ever need a handyman around the Tower, I’m your guy,” Bucky responded with an air of self-deprecation. But he was surprised by Steve’s reaction.

 

“Wow, that’s kind of neat. I've met very few people who can work with their hands anymore. I was never good at tinkering, myself.” He smiled widely, making his eyes squish together. It was endearing.

 

“Uh, yeah, there’s always something someone needs done, y’know?” he answered, cheeks turning pink.  

 

Steve smiled and looked over to where Lily was chasing her friend, and Bucky followed suit. She was giggling and hopping around, free and safe and happy. A wistful sort of look came over Steve's face while he watched the children.

 

“That’s what we fight for, yeah?” Steve said softly. Bucky nodded and hummed.

 

“How’d you know? I mean, I know the arm is kinda obvious, but…” he started.

 

“Your stance, and your eyes,” Steve admitted. “Army?”

 

Bucky’s lips quirked up and he felt a little silly-he should’ve known that the greatest soldier in the world could make him for one instantly.

 

“Sergeant James Barnes, 107th. Do I have to salute you?” Bucky asked, right hand poised.

 

Steve laughed him off.

 

“No, no, you’re good,” he began. “How old is she?” He was looking at Lily again.

 

“Five. She’ll be six in April. I can’t believe she’s in Kindergarten already.” He smiled, remembering the first time he met his daughter when she was two.

 

Bucky saw when Steve’s gaze lifted from Lily to him, but he was frozen.

 

“She’s real lucky to have a dad like you. I can tell how much you love her,” Steve declared sincerely.

 

Bucky appreciated that. He often doubted his parenting abilities.

 

“That’s good to hear...it’s just us, and my sister and my mom. Sometimes...I feel like she deserves better,” he told him. It was easier to talk to Steve now he knew they had some shared life experience.

 

Steve looked a little shocked by the admission. He shook his head and put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“James, she’s clearly healthy and happy, you’re doing fine. And I think anyone who’s looking can see how hard you work for her.”

 

“Bucky,” he blurted suddenly.

 

Steve made a confused noise.

 

“My nickname, everyone calls me Bucky,” he clarified.

 

The captain was clearly still confused, as evidenced by his next question.

 

“How…. do you get ‘Bucky’ from ‘James’?” he asked with a tilt of his head. It was cute, like an eager labrador retriever.

 

Bucky snickered, trying to stifle the noise, but it turned into a full-blown laugh in a few seconds.

 

“M-my middle name is-is Buchanan. My sister started calling me Bucky when she got mad at me when we were little, and it stuck.”

 

Steve was laughing quietly too, nodding.

 

“Ok, that makes sense.” He was smiling at Bucky, and it made him feel safe, somehow.

 

“Thanks, for saying that. About Lily. I just hope she knows I’d do anything for her,” Bucky said after a few moments. He was watching her play and be silly and act like a kid. It was all he wanted for her.

 

The man beside him was looking right at him, and he felt it keenly. He decided to chance a look, himself. The warm smile Steve wore drew Bucky in like a moth to a flame. He really was handsome, and Bucky thought--hoped--maybe Steve was thinking the same about him.

 

There was a crazy idea forming in Bucky’s head. He hardly ever gave in to his impulses, he planned as much as possible because of his anxieties. But, this seemed like one he wouldn’t be able to fight. Despite his earlier thoughts about how badly this could go, he decided to give it a shot. At least Steve would probably let him down nicely.

 

He had just opened his mouth when Steve chuckled and said,

 

“Hey, Ja-- _Bucky_ , would you.... Want to go out sometime? To dinner maybe?” He was blushing a little bit and Bucky simultaneously wanted to swoon and yell at him for stealing his plan. God, the pink on his cheeks was adorable.

 

Despite having been preparing to ask that same question, his mouth flopped open and closed like a caught bass, and he could feel his own face heating up. In an effort to make his vocal cords work, he squeaked a bit. Mortified, he found that all he could do was nod vigorously. Steve laughed some more, that beautiful deep bell sound.

 

“Really? Great! Do you have your phone on you? I’ll put my number in.” Steve said. He was still blushing and Bucky wanted to say something, anything to convey how much he wanted this to happen. He managed to get his phone out of his pocket and unlock it. He handed it to Steve so he could enter his number. “This is my personal number. We all have ‘official’ contact info, but it gets run by FRIDAY before it gets to us. This is easier, I think,” he muttered, almost to himself.

 

“FRIDAY?’ Bucky asked. What did that mean?

 

Steve started, then shrugged.

 

“Tony’s AI that runs the Tower, and pretty much everything in it. Tony takes security _very_ seriously,” he said, half joking.

 

_Right, Tony Stark, Iron Man. Because this is fucking Steve Rogers I’m talking to. What the hell…_

 

“Ah, right,” Bucky said. He waved Lily over, and she skipped back towards them. “So, I’ll… text you? Soon? I gotta get her home and make dinner…”

 

“Right, right, sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you this late. Let me call a car for you both.”

 

Bucky was shaking his head before Steve had finished the sentence.

 

“We’re fine, it’s only a few blocks. Besides, anyone who sees the arm is usually scared off,” he said, smiling wryly. “And, we’re the ones who stopped you.”

 

Steve looked unconvinced.

 

“You sure? I don’t mind,” he tried again.

 

Bucky gave another shake of his head.

 

“Thank you, but we’re good. Lily, say goodbye to Steve,” he beckoned the girl.

 

She hugged him around the legs and said ‘goodbye’ into his pant legs so it was muffled. Steve melted a bit, and Bucky was proud of his girl’s ability to charm anyone, even a superhero.

 

“Bye, Lily. It was great to see you again,” Steve said with a Captain America smile that Bucky recognized from the old film reels, even beard-covered. “You too, Bucky. Have a good night.” He gave Bucky a pointed look.

 

He looked back just as intently. “Bye, Steve. See you soon.”

 

They waved and parted ways, Lily asking what her father meant, and were they really going to see Captain Steve again.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Steve let himself be roped into joining Sam, Wanda, Nat, and Clint for a post-mission dinner on Nat and Clint’s floor. They had FRIDAY order a bunch of different kinds of food-Greek, Japanese, Ethiopian. As they waited for it all to arrive, Natasha noticed something different about Steve. He was quiet, moreso than usual after a mission-especially a mission that went well. He didn’t seem upset, though. Rather, the opposite. Optimistic. Like he was waiting for something, besides the food. It was unlike him so she was suspicious, but she hid it well.  

 

Under the guise of fixing drinks for everyone, she pulled Sam into the kitchen area.

 

“Do you know what’s up with Steve?” she asked him.

 

Sam shook his head no, answering,

 

“Nope, but I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed something. It’s like he’s anxious about something, but in a good way?”

 

She snapped her fingers and said,

 

“Yes, exactly! And he keeps looking at his phone. He thinks he’s being sneaky about it.”

 

Clint came into the kitchen at that moment. He wrapped an arm around Nat and kissed her hair before saying,

 

“Who’s sneaky?” He looked back and forth from Sam to Nat.

 

“Steve is being weird. Do you know anything?” Sam asked him, eyes narrowed.

 

Clint held his hands out, his head swinging back and forth.

 

“Are you sure, because if you do, and I find out you didn’t share with us…” Natasha started, while holding onto his arm.

 

“No! I don’t know anything,” he insisted. Nat grinned like a shark and pecked him on the lips.

 

“Alright, man. Let’s get back in there before he realizes we’re in here talking about him,” Sam suggested. He grabbed some of the drinks and led them out of the kitchen.

 

*

 

Wanda sat next to Steve, feigning reading something on her phone. Really, she was watching him out of the corner of her eye. He, too was looking at his phone, but wore an almost goofy grin.

 

It was nice to see him smiling so openly. After everything he’d been through-from the war to Peggy’s passing-it was great to see Steve being more open with his emotions, even in this little way. He was a sort of mentor to her, and after what she had done in relation to HYDRA and Ultron, she appreciated his firm insistence that people deserved second chances.

 

“Whatcha looking at, Cap?” Sam asked him, eyebrow raised, coming around the back of the couch with Natasha and Clint in tow. He startled, but calmed instantly. He looked to be debating whether or not to tell them something. “Something good, I hope?”

 

Steve immediately caved in on himself with a sigh, knowing he was caught and that his friends wouldn’t leave him alone until he ‘fessed up.

 

“Ok, you remember that guy and his daughter I told you about at the bakery?” Sam nodded, and filled Natasha and Clint in. “Well, I saw them again today. He was picking her up from her school.”

 

“And?” Clint pushed. Natasha smacked him on the shoulder for being tactless. He yelped, but looked contrite.

 

“I may have….kinda… asked him out?” Steve said haltingly. He looked up through his lashes, blushing.

 

Sam let out a whoop, Natasha gave closed-lipped smile, Wanda one with teeth, and Clint stared with an open mouth.

 

“That’s great! That’s awesome, man! Do you have plans set up?”

 

Steve smiled shyly. “We’re...doing that now. Sorry, I’m not trying to be rude.”

 

Wanda scoffed, “You? Rude? Never!” she said, teasing.

 

“You didn’t tell me about this man. I’m a little offended, Steven.” Nat pulled a frown, but her eyes were twinkling.

 

Steve blushed harder and ducked his head.

 

“Sorry? I didn’t really know… I mean--”

 

“Who is he? Did FRIDAY run a background check? He has a kid, are you--”

 

“CLINT.” Natasha interrupted the archer. His mouth shut with a click of his teeth.

 

“What he means is, ‘please tell us about him.’” Steve looked nervous, but Wanda and Sam nodded encouragingly.

 

“Uh. His name is James-but he goes by Bucky-” Clint snorted, then groaned as an elbow nailed him in the ribs-”he’s ex-army. His daughter’s name is Lily, she’s five. I don’t know.”

 

He was really grateful that his teammates-his _friends-_ were so invested in his life. He was. They were just… nosy sometimes. They meant well, he knew that. He was just used to being. Private. About his love life. Mostly because he _couldn’t_ talk about it when he was younger. But these people that he’d found himself surrounded with for the past five years- they were accepting and supportive, if not totally open about their own lives. He was glad to have them.

 

Except when they asked things like,

 

“Is he hot?” as Clint saw fit to.

 

“Dude, you need to think before you talk,” Sam said, snickering. He was interested too, though, he had to admit. What kind of man could catch Steve Rogers’ attention enough to get him to _do_ something about it?

 

“But really, he seems like a good guy?” Wanda asked, in her lilting accent.

 

Steve smiled at them, bashful.

 

“Yeah. He’s so in love with his daughter, it’s really sweet. He’s got...issues, I could tell, but I think he’s a good man.”

 

Wanda laid a hand on his and beamed up at him.

 

Sam and Natasha shared a look. Natasha was happy for Steve. She was honored when he formally came out to her. That show of trust was humbling, and it proved to her that he had meant what he’d said in Sam’s house in DC. She didn’t take it lightly. She knew Sam felt the same. Clint did too, to an extent, but he hadn’t been in DC for the fall. He couldn’t fully appreciate what this all meant, but he was just as invested.

 

For that matter, so were Tony, Bruce, Thor, and Vision. They all showed it in weird ways because of their varied upbringings, but they felt like a family. A strange, broken, group of people who had all come together multiple times for the sake of the world, and for each other.

 

Natasha smiled softly at Steve, and it was completely genuine. He could tell the difference, and he tucked away every real moment to cherish. She and Clint were not terribly affectionate in public, but he knew that Clint was the only one who had gotten to see her true self for a long time. So, he held onto whatever she allowed him to see, and tried to return the sentiment when he felt he could.

 

Steve’s phone flashed just as the elevator did, so Sam went to get the food and Wanda hovered over Steve’s shoulder to read the messages while Nat hung over the back of the couch doing the same.

 

_Hey, it’s Bucky. I hope this isn’t too forward… but are you free on Saturday? My sister offered to babysit._

 

 _Hi, Bucky! Yeah, Saturday is good, but I have to warn you that if there’s an_ _emergency, I’ll have to reschedule. I should have said that earlier, sorry._

 

_No, please, I totally understand. Gotta save the world. :)_

 

_Ah, thanks. I know that would be a dealbreaker for some people. For what it’s worth, I’d much rather be with you than fighting giant insects. :D_

 

Natasha laughed and said, “Smooth, Rogers. Nice emoji usage, I taught you well.”

 

He chuckled back, ears red at the tips.

 

Sam came back and set the various bags on the table, and went to fetch paper plates and silverware. He paused to read from Steve’s phone too, and before long, Clint joined in, and finally, when Wanda expressed interest, he wound up just reading the messages out loud.

 

Steve decided to give up being shy about his conversation with Bucky. He did feel a little bad that Bucky was not privy to his entourage of encouragers. But, he hoped Bucky had his own, and wouldn’t mind.

 

_What time is good? My sister said she’ll come whenever. I was thinking dinner?_

 

_Yeah, that’s good. How about I come pick you up around 7:30? I can take the bike, if you want. ;)_

 

_The famous bike? Never been on one, but I guess if I’m gonna do it, there’s no better person to drive than Captain America. Just don’t flip it on me, yeah? :P_

 

Steve laughed out loud. Clint barked out a laugh too, and he said,

 

“I like this guy, Cap,” with a cheeky grin. Steve could only agree.

 

They ate and chatted and joked amiably for the rest of the night.


	2. Chapter Two

[ ](http://imgbox.com/COd5BH50)

**September 23rd, 2017**

 

Saturday night rolled around, and after a particularly tedious mission, Steve had to rush to clean himself up because he refused to cancel his date. He showered as fast as he could while still being thorough, and dried off at breakneck speed. He used the cologne Pepper had given him for his birthday that year, and laid out the clothes he had chosen on his bed. As he stared at them, heart pounding in his head, he realized he was nervous.

 

Scared, even. Of going on a damn date.

 

To be fair, he hadn’t had much practice... He’d had his dancing date with Peggy, but he’d never gotten to live it.

 

So yeah, nervous.

 

He dressed in his black jeans and a sky blue button down, and looked in the full length mirror he had used only for special functions. He could admit he looked good. He hoped he wouldn’t sweat through his shirt, although he shouldn’t be doing anything too strenuous--unless…

 

 _Nope! Not going there. I’m going out with Bucky to learn more about him._ He’d had about as much practice with sex as he did dating, so he was perfectly fine leaving that matter for another night, if Bucky so chose. He refused to initiate anything or pressure anyone, and expected the same in return.

 

The clock on his phone stated that it was 7:15pm. If he was going to get to Bucky’s apartment by 7:30, he’d need to leave now. He glanced back at the mirror and put on a “Man with a Plan” smile, which immediately turned into a grimace. He didn’t want Bucky to date Captain America, he wanted him to date Steve Rogers. He tried for a more genuine smile, but it wobbled at the corners.

 

 _Damn nerves_ … The last time he was this anxious was when he was sitting in the Vita-Ray pod waiting for the pinch of lots of needles injecting the serum into him.

 

This was his fear:  Bucky was going to see how far removed Steve was from civilian life-from _normal_ life. How could he possibly hope to be with someone like Bucky, who had such a quiet, peaceful life with his daughter?

 

 _You moron,_ he thought- _this is supposed to be fun_. He hoped he could at least make Bucky comfortable, if not himself.

 

He tugged on his leather jacket, grabbed his keys and wallet, stuffed them in his pockets and headed towards the elevator in the living area of his tower apartment.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

  


Of _course_ Lily was going to be clingy tonight, that just made sense. Bucky was trying to extricate himself from his daughter’s octopus-like limbs while telling her that Auntie Becca was coming to see her for a while. When that didn’t have the usual effect--Becca was Lily’s favorite person, after all--he sighed.

 

Steve was going see what a mess Bucky was the second he stepped inside. He was going to run.

Bucky loved his daughter more than anything, anyone, and he wouldn’t trade her for the world.

It was just--sometimes he wondered what his life would have been like, if he hadn’t gotten back from Iraq, missing an arm, and been handed a two year old little girl.

 

There was no point in thinking about it, though, because Bucky liked his life. He was relatively stable and healthy, he could provide for his brilliant daughter, his mom and sister came around pretty often, it was good. He didn’t need anyone else. Not really.

 

He just… got lonely sometimes.

 

He sighed again, and just as he was about to speak, his doorbell rang. He stood up with Lily in tow and made for the door. He looked through the peephole and was surprised to find Steve standing there. He opened the door, arms full of five year old.

 

“Steve? Hi, come in, Becca’s not here yet, she should be any minute, sorry--” he babbled.

 

Steve just stood there with wide eyes, no doubt taking in the state of the living room and Bucky’s hair and Lily’s...everything. Then his eyes softened and he smiled at Bucky.

 

“Hey, sorry, I’m a little early. I can wait out here, if…?” Steve suggested.

 

Bucky wasn’t having that. It was September, and it was chilly out. So what if Steve probably never got cold? Winnie Barnes would smack him into next year if her son left someone out in the elements.

 

“No, no, come in, please, she’ll be here soon. Sorry for the mess. Lily, you remember Steve?” he asked.

 

She beamed up at the blond man and screeched. Bucky made a face as she launched out of his arms and hugged Steve’s legs.

 

“Captain Steve!” She yelled, muffled by his pant legs. She looked up at him with huge blue eyes.

 

He laughed and patted her brown head.

 

“Hi Lily! I’m glad I got to see you,” he told her.

 

Bucky looked on as his daughter asked Steve a bunch of random questions like, “What did you have for breakfast today?” and, “Who’s your favorite Avenger?” Steve, for his part, answered each one as she fired them off with a smile.

 

Eventually, Bucky had to remove Lily from Steve’s legs so that he could say hi himself. He stepped closer to Steve as Lily wandered off to clean up her toys a bit (by moving them from one side of the room to the other). He almost gasped when he actually looked at him.

 

He was so beautiful, Bucky wanted to cry. He knew Captain America was good-looking from the film reels and photos and interviews and such, but seeing him in person, knowing he was there _for Bucky_ , was overwhelming. His eyelashes were _so long_. It was very unfair.

 

“Hi, Cap. Thanks for coming to get me. You look really nice,” he said softly, almost shyly.

Now, without his daughter to hide behind, he felt a little awkward with Steve, like he was a prom date waiting to introduce Steve to the family.

 

Steve rubbed the back of his neck, evidently feeling similarly, and said,

 

“Oh, it’s no problem. You look great too. How are you, Buck?”

 

Before Bucky could answer, his doorbell rang again, signaling the arrival of his little sister. He held up his right index finger to Steve and answered the door.

 

Steve was flabbergasted to find that Becca Barnes looked just as much like Bucky as her niece did. _Strong genes in the Barnes pool_ , he guessed.

 

Becca threw her arms around Bucky’s shoulders with a, “Hey, Buck! Where’s my niece?”

 

As she turned to look for Lily, she spotted Steve and froze, eyes almost comically wide. She stammered, “Uh...you--you’re Captain America. Like, the fucking Avenger. You’re him.” She then whipped her head in Bucky’s direction hissing, “You didn't tell me your date was with _Captain America!!!”_

 

Bucky flushed scarlet and his eyes flew to Steve’s, then back to Becca’s.

 

“Steve Rogers. It’s good to meet you, Becca.” Steve saved him from answering with a sheepish grin.

 

Becca’s jaw dropped and opened and closed like a fish’s for a moment, before hissing again at her brother, “ _He knows my fucking name!!!???”_

 

Bucky actually choked out a laugh at that. “Steve, Becca. Becca, Steve. Lily, come here, Auntie Becca’s here!” He yelled, still blushing a bit.

 

Steve had noticed--it was endearing.

 

“Very nice to meet you, Steve,” Becca said, having recovered enough to make her mama proud. Steve nodded once.

 

Lily came running and flew into Becca’s arms, giggling. When she let go of her aunt, she proclaimed helpfully, “Daddy is gonna date Captain Steve! Isn’t that cool?”

 

Becca laughed and shot a look at her brother. “Yeah, Lilypad, that’s the coolest!” Becca replied with a smirk.

 

Bucky rolled his eyes at her. As he started going over Lily’s nighttime routine, she skipped around the pair singing something about frogs.

 

Bucky chanced a look at Steve and noted a sad little smile that didn’t reach his eyes. _He’s hurting,_ he thought. He was surprised to find that he wanted to know what was making Steve look like that, and he wanted to make him feel better.

 

He was jolted out of his thoughts by an elbow to the ribs. Becca was looking at him with _that look,_ the one that said, _this is a good thing, go for it._

 

He just smiled softly at his supportive little sister.

 

“Ok, I think that’s it. Call if there’s a problem, ok, Becca?” Bucky said finally. He really had no problem leaving Lily with his sister-he’d done it many times before, and she was more than capable of taking care of her.

 

She nodded and replied, “Yep, I’ve got this. Go have fun!” with a grin.

 

Bucky smiled back at her, and then knelt so he could talk to his daughter. He held out a hand to her, which stopped her one-girl show.

 

“Alright, I’ll be back after you’re asleep, sweetheart. Be good, yeah?” He said.

 

She grabbed his hand and smiled, and then hopped up to hug him around the neck.

 

“Have fun Daddy! Captain Steve…” and she saluted him sloppily, which Steve found adorable. She kissed her father on the cheek, hopped down, and he petted her hair for a moment, before   inhaling and backing away from her and towards Steve.

 

“Have a good night, ladies. I’ll have him home by ten,” Steve said, trying for a joking tone. Becca’s face twisted into a smirk and she whispered loudly enough for him to pick up, “hopefully later than that…” He looked to Bucky, who was pinking up again, but he was still smiling. He’d heard her, but had chosen to ignore the comment.

 

“See you later!” She said.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

 

The restaurant was one which did business with Tony, and therefore prided itself on its ability to be discreet. Bucky had suggested Steve choose a restaurant, a surprise. Steve had opted for Italian, as it was hard to find someone who disliked it. It wasn’t too fancy, not like he would have expected of a place Tony frequented.

 

In the middle of their dinner, the awkwardness from the motorcycle ride there melted away into a comfortable banter. They volleyed questions back and forth, nothing heavy. Favorite colors, animals, films, hobbies, and other typical first date talking points were all discussed.

 

Bucky had relayed what had been taught about Steve in school, and asked for corrections. Steve burst out laughing at the idea that he had ever gone under cover, let alone as a HYDRA goon. Bucky asked if it was true that he had punched out Hitler over 200 times during his shows. It was. He wanted to know Steve’s plans before the war. Steve told him about art school and his commissions.

 

Steve learned that Bucky was extremely intelligent. He’d gone to college for engineering, and used that in the army, as well as his unrivaled marksmanship. He learned that his parents were from Indiana, but Bucky and Becca were born and raised Brooklynites. Bucky had dabbled in many areas in his journey to becoming a handyman. His mom made the best brownies in the world.

 

As Bucky gushed about his family, Steve couldn’t help but notice that he really did look handsome. He wore dark blue jeans, with a navy button down shirt and black boots. His pale eyes looked more blue than Steve remembered them being. They, along with the light stubble on his face and the luminous hair framing it made him look striking.

 

While they were waiting for a dessert menu, Steve thought about Lily. He wanted to know more about Bucky’s past, and how Lily came about, but he thought that would be a little too invasive at the moment.

 

He looked down at Bucky’s mismatched hands, at which point he realized that the metal must have went all the way up his arm. Bucky cleared his throat, making Steve’s head jerk up. He flushed a bit and muttered an apology for staring. Bucky just chuckled.

 

“You can ask, you know. About this, about Lily. I’m not gonna bite your head off,” He said softly, eyes searching Steve’s.

 

Steve sighed at having been caught, but he had permission now, so he asked,

“What happened?”

 

Bucky sat back in his chair, still watching Steve. He held up his left hand in front of him and watched the light glint off of it.

 

“I uh...I was a sniper in the Middle East… a damn good one. Too good, I guess. I had a reputation, apparently, and the other side wanted to use me to kill my own people. They hit our humvee with an IED, and they took me. The other guys...they didn’t make it out. My arm got shredded up, and…” he trailed off, breathing shakily.

 

Immediately sensing Bucky’s discomfort, Steve spoke.

 

“You don’t have to tell me, it’s ok. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have--”

 

“No, no, I said it was ok. I’m ok. ‘S just...sometimes it feels like it happened to someone else. Like, I can’t quite believe I lived through it. Does that make any sense?” Bucky murmured.

 

Steve nodded. He understood completely. Coming out of the ice--hell, going down with the Valkyrie-didn’t feel real sometimes. It was like it he hadn’t even been there.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I get it,” he told Bucky, who threw him a wry smile. The dark-haired man took a deep inhale, and sighed it out.

 

“So, my arm was fucked up enough that they just took it off. I woke up in the middle of them--sawing it off.”

 

Steve sucked in a harsh breath. _Jesus Christ...that’s…_

 

“That’s horrible. That’s--” he floundered for something to say that would convey how cruel it was, and how much he wished it hadn’t happened, least of all to the man in front of him.

 

“Shitty, right? Gets worse. They wanted me to kill some brass for them, thought they could brainwash me, or intimidate me or something. I refused. They got creative with their… punishments.” He grimaced.

 

“They tortured you,” Steve said simply. He knew it was a possibility, but he’d hoped… “Bucky, I’m...I’m sorry that happened to you.” He reached out for Bucky’s metal hand, and asked gently, “How old were you, if you don’t mind…”

 

Bucky grinned again, almost vicious, had it not been for the softness of his eyes when he looked up.

 

“25. I came home right after my 26th birthday.”

 

Steve swore softly. He himself had been 24 when he joined up. He suddenly wished he could hug Bucky, there, out in the open. He didn’t know if that would be welcomed, though. He squeezed his hand, wondering if he could feel it.

 

“We fought, hoping that would be the last war. That no one else would have to do what we did, see what we saw. I guess that was pretty stupid to think, huh?” Steve said, bitterly.

 

Bucky just looked at him for a second, with an odd glint in his eyes.

 

“You really are that selflessly righteous, aren't you?” He said with an air of wonder, undercut with some sarcasm. “It’s not _your_ fault. Plus, the arm is pretty cool, right? It’s vibranium, from Wakanda. Their princess is an engineer, head of the country’s technological branch. Crazy smart, this kid. She’s only 18. She designed this thing. I met her through Skype once. Could hardly keep up with her. You’d think this would be really expensive, right? Well, she wanted a guinea pig, my team at the VA asked me if I was interested in testing out a new prosthetic, and sent her my info, and here I am!”

 

Steve found himself smiling as Bucky rambled about Wakanda’s crown princess. The excitement that poured out of him was contagious. He was glad that the prosthetic was such high quality, and that it served Bucky so well. If anyone deserved it, it was him.

 

Still, the guilt of knowing he had ultimately failed what he had thought would be his last mission stung, and he ached for all of the people after him who had suffered war.

 

The waiter chose that moment to present the dessert menu to the pair. Bucky didn’t think he wanted it anymore. He laid them to the side. Steve had gone quiet and brooding, and Bucky was confident he knew what he was thinking.

 

“Steve. You’re one guy. I don’t care how superpowered you are. Even now, there’s a reason you have a team, right? That’s what they kept telling me in group. I did what I could, I couldn’t have known, I’m only one person, can’t save everyone, blah blah blah. But they’re right, you know.” He watched his own silver fingers turn Steve’s over.

 

Steve had nothing to say to that.

 

“How’s all that for baggage,” Bucky asked with a nervous, lopsided smile. Steve opened his mouth to refute that, but Bucky beat him to it. “It’s ok, I know it’s a lot. But I think you also understand, maybe better than anyone, how weird it is to...to come home, and have it feel totally alien.”

 

“That’s...very true,” Steve said carefully.

 

The smile Bucky sent him was sweet, understanding, like he saw through Steve’s veneer of solidity.

 

“At least I had my girl, crazy as it was. Did...did you have anyone? From back then, I mean…” Bucky asked, not wanting to pry, but genuinely concerned.

 

Steve thought of Peggy in her hospice bed; lucid one moment, teary-eyed at his “return” the next. He had her, but not really. She was gone a long time ago. He couldn’t begrudge her having lived her life, but it hurt to think about what he could've had.  

 

“Peggy, but she couldn’t have helped me. The guys were all gone by 2010.” Steve finally answered.

 

Across the table, Bucky slumped in his chair.

 

“Peggy Carter. What a lady,” he said reverently. “I’m...sorry--that you didn’t get to have that life, Steve. I can’t imagine--”

 

“It’s alright. _She_ had a fantastic life, and that’s all I wanted for her. I’m just glad I got to see her before she passed…” Steve cut in. He smiled a small, sad smile, and Bucky’s heart squeezed painfully in his chest.

 

Before Bucky could think of something comforting to say, Steve spoke again.

 

“Will you tell me about Lily? Her mother?” He asked, leaving room for Bucky to withhold that information, if he chose to.

 

Now it was Bucky’s turn to feel nostalgic. He told Steve about Valentina, the girl from college that he’d been infatuated with. How they had a quick, whirlwind kind of romance, and how she’d left in the middle of his last semester. How he hadn’t seen her again, until one day three years ago.

 

“I had only been in my own place for about a month, I was still trying to furnish it, and cope with....being alone like that. Becca and my mom came by every couple of days. And then Val knocked on my door, holding a baby. She looked guilty, desperate-said she had to go away, couldn’t take Lily with her. I...wanted to help her, but she wouldn’t talk to me. Looking back, I think she was probably mixed up in some bratva bullshit. She begged me to take her. I couldn’t say no to her, and once I looked at Lily, I knew I could never let her go.”

 

The look on Bucky’s face as he talked about his first meeting with his daughter was so beautiful, Steve almost had to look away. He felt like he was intruding. Bucky’s love for his baby was so perfect, so pure. He couldn’t help but smile.

 

The waiter came back to take their dessert orders, but they both declined. The heavy turn their conversation had taken had sapped their desire for it. They decided to walk around for a while.

 

“Hey, Buck, how did you do it? You were still recovering, and taking care of a baby.” Steve wondered.

 

Bucky smiled and told him,

 

“My mom and Becca still came around a ton in the beginning, plus my therapist and physical therapist, my occupational therapist, all those guys. The army has resources for single parents; I joined some online groups and stuff. It was hard, definitely, but I didn’t do it alone.” He smiled fondly. “Y’know that whole ‘takes a village’ thing? It’s true. Lily has a bunch of good people in her life, and I’m grateful for that.” He paused for a second, and then continued, “What really sucked was that I couldn’t hold her, not until I was used to the arm. My mom had to do a lot, because I just couldn’t do it one armed. I was so afraid that the metal would pinch her,” he laughed, remembering the silly fear. “But everything got ironed out pretty quick, way quicker than I thought it would. So everything worked out.” He finished with a grin.

 

Steve couldn’t help but grin back, before a timid expression replaced it. “Can it...Can it feel?” he asked hesitantly.

 

Bucky gave a short hum. “I can sense pressure, and I’m really good at knowing when I’m  gripping or pressing too hard-I had to learn that quick, y’know? I can sense textures, but not completely. I can’t really feel temperature though. It gets hot and cold with the air and stuff. But yeah. The dexterity this thing has is nuts! It’s waterproof, nothing gets caught in the plates or joints. I’ve never had a problem with it,” he finished with a bright smile.

 

*

 

After deciding to finish up their walk, Steve drove Bucky back to his apartment on the bike. It was a smooth ride, if a little...stimulating. But Bucky willed that interest away, knowing that with his sister and daughter there, nothing was happening tonight. He thought instead, however unintentionally, of Peggy Carter again. He played and replayed every fact he knew about her, every film reel he’d ever seen of her and Cap. He thought of Steve’s face when he’d spoken of her.

 

As the two men stood at Bucky’s door, hand in hand, Bucky felt it coming on. He had to ask. It was totally rude and inappropriate and terrible, but he had to ask. He was going to ruin everything.

 

“Did you love her?”

 

Bucky held his breath, knowing he had no right to ask. Steve raised his face towards the sky with a wistful look.

 

“Yes,” he breathed. When his head dropped and his eyes found Bucky’s, Bucky saw only fondness there, not a hint of bitterness.

 

It’s what all the sources said, everything he’d ever read or saw or heard about them. Steve Rogers and Peggy Carter--star crossed lovers, ill-fated and cheated out of a life together. He knew that--had known it since he was a child reading comic books about Captain America.

 

Still, he couldn’t help the ugly flare of jealousy that rose in him. How terrible of him, to be envious of a dead woman. _You’re fucking disgusting. How dare you--_

 

But that wasn’t the only hideous thing that grew from the unequivocal truth that Steve loved Peggy.

 

 _How am I supposed to compete with her?_ He wondered, even as he felt ashamed.

 

He had nothing to offer Steve; he’d spent the last three years throwing all of himself into taking care of Lily. He would never complain about that--Lily was the most important aspect of his life. But maybe...maybe there was nothing left for himself, let alone a partner.   _This was a mistake,_ he thought, his heart sinking.

 

“But, she told me to get over it-those were her exact words. She said she didn’t want me moping because I’m ‘always so dramatic,’ and she wanted me to be happy. So, I gotta do what she says,” Steve continued, looking at Bucky with gentle significance and giving his hand a squeeze.

 

Bucky’s head whipped up and he stared at Steve in shock. Steve was looking at him in a way that made it clear he knew where Bucky’s thoughts had gone, at least vaguely. His mouth flopped open and closed a few times, but he had nothing to say to that.

 

Steve raised their joined hands to his lips, and pressed them to Bucky’s knuckles, short beard hairs tickling just a bit.  

 

“Peggy would have liked you,” he murmured against Bucky’s hand. He smiled, a little shy, a little mischievous, and said, “What do you say, Sarge?”

 

He looked down, squeezed his eyes shut, and _he’s so sweet_ ran through his head.

 

Bucky was still frozen until Becca’s voice sounded in his head, telling him to go for it.

 

So, he went for it.

 

His eyes opened only so that he could aim a kiss directly to Steve’s lips. They closed again automatically as he leaned in to Steve, still holding his hand. Steve let out a little surprised grunt, but matched him. It wasn’t heavy, there was really nothing dirty about it. Just soft, dry lips pressed to his own. The rasp of his own stubble against Steve’s beard was deafening, but in the best way.

 

Steve squeezed his hand gently and Bucky backed away a bit. He was looking to the ground with a kind of dopey little grin, and when he looked back at Bucky, it widened.

 

Bucky smiled back and felt a little giddy, He wanted to say something, give Steve a concrete answer. But, he was tongue-tied, feeling like a teenager.

 

Steve gave him a break, and ducked his head a little to see Bucky’s eyes, asking, “Is...that a ‘yes, I’ll go on a second date with you’ kiss? Or a consolation kiss?”

 

Bucky chuckled-it bubbled out of him like it hadn’t since before he went overseas. He felt golden, like the sun was only on him and he was soaking up every bit of warmth it offered. “Yeah,” he said roughly, “Yeah, I’ll go on a second date, Cap.” He smiled so widely his cheeks hurt.

 

Steve laughed, “Ok! Ok, great. Um, I’ll text you? I mean, you can text me too, I just thought that since I might be away--”

 

“I know, pal, we’ll text each other,” Bucky laughed back at him.

 

“Ok, great. Uh...I’ll...see  you soon?” Steve questioned, with a sheepish, hopeful look. He shook their still connected hands a bit.

 

Bucky looked him in the eye, and said determinedly, “Yeah, I’ll see you, Steve. Thanks for--for tonight. I had fun.”

 

Steve squeezed his hand again and agreed, “Me too, Buck. Good night.” His eyes had gone impossibly soft, Bucky almost couldn’t stand to look at them. He let go of his hand, and stepped back so Bucky could retrieve his keys from his jacket pocket. When he’d separated the correct one, he held it up in a little wave and said,

 

“Good night.” He turned and keyed open his door and as it shut, he saw Steve wave back. He kept watching until he could no longer see him riding away on the bike for the angle of his door to the street.

 

Once he locked the door, he allowed himself to let out a long breath. He turned and pressed his back to the door, eyes closed. He thought again about how kind Steve was. He’d known that Captain America was supposed to be the epitome of virtue, but Steve was so sweet and cute and a little bit of a dork. He smiled to himself and opened his eyes.

 

Lily stood in front of him.

 

“Jeez, Lily! Why aren’t you asleep, baby?”

 

Lily smiled a devious smile and sing-songed, “You kissed Captain Steve, Daddy!”

 

Bucky’s face went red and he yelled for his sister. “BECCA!   Why is my kid not sleeping?!”

 

Said sister poked her head around the corner from the living room and waved him off with a smug, “She wanted to know how your date went. You know, your date with _Captain America?_ ”

 

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. What was he going to say? No, he didn’t kiss Steve? Lily had clearly seen them out the window. And why should he lie about it? He’d had fun.

 

His hand dropped and he responded, “It was nice! It was fun, I had fun.” Looking to his daughter, he said, “Go get ready for bed.” He pointed towards her room.

 

Her smile fell, and she whined, “But Daddy, I wanna hear!”

 

“Nope, tomorrow I’ll tell you all about it, but you are going to sleep.” Bucky said, not intending to ever speak about this night to his daughter until she was much older. Becca backed him up, perhaps feeling a little badly about letting Lily stay up late.

 

She looked like she wanted to argue, but one look at her aunt’s stern face and she knew her dad wasn’t kidding around. So, like any five-year-old would, she pouted and stomped her way to her room.

 

Becca turned back to her brother with the same devious expression her niece had worn a few minutes ago.  Bucky held up his hands to fend her off, but she was relentless if she was anything.

 

“Becca--”

 

“SPILL, Brother-mine! I want to know everything!” Becca nearly shouted. She was near-manic with how excited she was for her big brother.

 

Bucky sighed again, but couldn’t keep the smile off his face. He groaned, “He’s so fucking _sweet_ , Becca, he’s so nice, oh, my god! He’s unreal. In fact, this has to be a dream because there is no way in hell that I just kissed Captain Amer-! _Oh my god!_ Becca---I kissed him! I kissed Captain America and we’re going on a second date?! What the hell?! How did this happen?!”

 

Her smile just kept getting wider as he went on. She was giggling maniacally, which just egged him on.

 

“He’s so _cute--_ he was holding my hand and asked about Lily and-- holy shit I’m gonna have to see him again-” he stopped his tirade abruptly. _He’ll drop you when he sees… you don’t deserve him. He’ll figure out how disgusting you are, what you’ve done, and he’ll disappear._ His breathing picked up, his eyes watered.

 

Becca knew something was wrong immediately. He was having a panic attack.

 

“Oh shit, ok, Buck, you’re ok,” she said. “It was just a date, a really good date, right? Breathe, Bucky.”

 

“Becs, he wants to see me again! He said--he said--he wants to meet up again! How am I--” Bucky gasped out. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see through his tears. “Oh _god_ , he’s gonna see-- he’ll know how--oh _god!”_

 

Becca took his right hand and put in in the center of her chest, breathing deeply. She started counting, “One, two, three, four, five, hold it.  One two three four five. C’mon Buck, breathe with me. You’re ok, you’re safe.” She repeated the count until he started to follow her and calm down. “You’re ok, tell me where we are.”

 

He gulped a shuddery inhale.

 

“Apartment. Manhattan.”

 

“Tell me where Lily is,” she continued.

 

“She’s-in her room, she’s going to sleep,” he replied after a second. His breathing was a little more steady.

 

“Ok, good. Tell me why we’re safe.”

 

“Uh, home. We’re home. No bombs, no--no danger,” he stuttered, shaking.

 

“Good, Buck, good. Ok, you alright?” She asked, gently. She'd seen him through quite a few panic attacks, particularly when Lily had first arrived. He was so scared that he’d hurt her, or do something wrong. He didn’t want to be touched except to feel that someone else was breathing. But if he could verbalize where he was, where she was, and why he was safe, he was good.

 

He took a few more slow breaths, and nodded. He looked up at her and groaned. “Oh shit, Becs, I’m sorry, I don’t know why--I don’t,” he apologized, embarrassed that his little sister had to see him fall apart over something that should be a good thing. But she waved him off.

 

“It’s ok, no worries. You ok? Wanna tell me what that was about?” she questioned, peering up into his red rimmed eyes.

 

He slammed his eyes shut and inhaled sharply. When he opened them again, he was more focused. “Uh...he’s--Steve’s amazing. I’m not sure he understands where I’m at… and when he realizes, he’ll decide it’s too much. I’m too much, kid,” he ended in a whisper. “He deserves a--a simple life. I can’t give that to him.”

 

Becca wanted to cry. How could Bucky not see how incredible he was? It wasn’t fair that he was still dealing with this shit. She’d been so sure her brother had gotten past this self-deprecation.

 

“Buck-” her voice cracked. “Buck, you’re wrong, you’re not too much. You have to --please tell me you don’t really believe that. If Steve’s so great, he’ll take you as you are. You know that. You _know_ you’re allowed to have good things. Please tell me you know that,” she begged.

 

“He’s a national hero, Becca! He’s a living legend, and what am I? I’m just some guy.”

 

“If you’re not that special, Buck, then how come he’s so into you? How come he asked you on a second date? Huh?” She challenged. There was an edge to her voice that meant that she was daring him to contradict her, to prove her wrong.

 

He loved her. His little sister was such a bright soul, so passionate about everything. He had helped take care of her when they were younger, being 8 years older, but now, their roles had switched. He would always feel guilty for exposing her to the horrors in his head, but she never backed down. She never complained. She never got frustrated with him. He loved her.

 

He gave her a watery smile, and hugged her close.

 

“Aw, kid, what would I do without you?” he grumbled into her hair.

 

She put her arms around his waist.

 

“You’re an idiot, you know that? You deserve to be happy. Don’t forget that, Bucky,” she mumbled into his shirt. She pulled away at looked at him for a moment. Then she grabbed his face between her hands and spoke again. “Are you really ok?”  He nodded. “Go to sleep, Buck. I’ll get her if she gets up, ok?” She pulled him up from the ground, and stood on her toes to kiss his forehead.

 

“Ok, _mom,_ ” he said, one corner of his mouth quirked up. She rolled her eyes at him, and waved him away.

 

When he finally laid down in his bed, one thought kept running through his mind.

 

_He wants to see me again._

 

He smiled and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

 


	3. Chapter Three

[ ](http://imgbox.com/55dWo68r)

**October 23rd, 2017**

 

They’d met up quite a few times during the month, when Steve hadn’t been called away on missions. Nothing had forced him to cancel his plans with Bucky, yet. He was infinitely glad for that. He didn’t want to be seen as flaky, although he had warned the other man it might happen from time to time. They hadn’t done anything particularly interesting, mostly conversation at Bucky's apartment. They both enjoyed it, and getting to know each other had only resulted in them wanting to spend more time together.

 

His teammates were relentless in their teasing. _Someone--_ Clint--had let slip something to Tony, and once Tony knew, they all did. He knew they were just excited and happy for him. He tried not to get annoyed or snippy with them, but it was difficult when every other text Natasha sent him was asking if he’d slept with Bucky yet. Sam was less annoying, but he kept asking when they were all going to meet the single father, and his daughter.

 

Steve hesitated to ask Bucky. It was still early on, they’d only been together for about four weeks. In the thirties and forties, parents often required that a potential suitor meet them before there were even any dates. Now, people could hide significant others all they wanted, for however long they chose. He didn’t want to be pushy.

 

The other issue was that the Avengers were…A lot. They were all a little fucked up, but genuinely kind people. But when they were all together, not fighting to save people, they were unruly. Their get-togethers and parties and such were rowdy, as they usually let themselves blow off steam then.

 

He was concerned about how they would react to Bucky. Or to anyone he decided to date. Tony would undoubtedly make crude jokes, Natasha would interrogate him, it could potentially be a mess. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to expose Bucky to that yet.

 

Which was why he was a little surprised when Bucky, sitting on his couch with him after dinner, up and asked when he could meet them. It must have shown on his face, because Bucky’s closed off subtly.

 

“Do you not want me to?” he asked without inflection.

 

Backpedaling, Steve shook his head.

 

“No, no, that’s not it. I’m just not sure if… well, they’re a lot to deal with.”

 

Bucky didn’t seem impressed with that answer. He let out a breathless laugh.

 

“You don’t think I can handle them.”

 

Steve’s mouth opened, but nothing came out for a bit. That’s not really what he thought, it was just-- _oh._

 

“I’m sorry, that’s not for me to--”

 

Bucky cut him off with a peck to the cheek.

 

“It’s ok, I get it. PTSD-you don’t want me to freak out if someone says something. But I promise I’m ok enough to meet some of your friends.”

 

With a smile, Steve nodded, and acquiesced.

 

“Alright, I’ll ask when they’re free. Just remember, I warned you.” He took Bucky’s right hand and kissed his knuckles.

 

*

 

Steve had no qualms about making sweet gestures, nor about being on the receiving end of them. Bucky sometimes got shy and nervous, but he controlled it well. He’d had a lot of practice keeping himself present because of Lily, and it was coming in handy now. He knew he shouldn’t feel the need to hide from Steve, but it was hard. It was hard for him to be open with people who were not his family. As upfront about his trauma as he’d been on their first date, it was still embarrassing to show Steve any of his struggles.

 

Steve was good at understanding when Bucky was at his limit for PDA or talking about certain things. He was courteous, and would back off immediately, even if Bucky didn’t ask him to. The ex-sniper hoped that with time, he could learn to trust this man, and that he could reciprocate.

 

Sometimes, he felt guilty that he was letting his problems get in the way of his relationship. After all, he’d only been in captivity for a month. Steve had thought he was dying, was woken up in a new century, and immediately asked to keep fighting without being given time to process anything. If Steve was able to move on with his life, Bucky should have no problem. _You’re so selfish. He’s going to leave if you don’t do something to keep him._

 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when the man sitting next to him gently tapped his chin. Steve was looking right into his eyes, and it made Bucky shiver. The sky-blue of his irises bored into his own, questioning if he was alright. He had a feeling he’d never really be able to hide anything from Steve. He steeled himself and told him,

 

“I’m alright, sorry.”

 

Head moving from side to side, Steve said,

 

“It’s ok. Should I not do that?”

 

 _Ugh, how is he so sweet?_ Bucky thought.

 

“Nah, it’s fine, I just. I’m still getting used to...all this,” he replied, trying to smile, though he was sure it appeared as a grimace.

 

“Me too. I just don’t want you to be afraid of me, you know?” Steve answered.

 

A little miffed at the insinuation, Bucky snorted.

 

“Pal, I had an amputation in the desert with no anesthesia. I ain’t afraid of you.” Then, softer, “I’m afraid of messing this up.”

 

Steve hummed in agreement.

 

“Yeah, it’s intimidating. For what it’s worth, Buck, I’m a little terrified too.” He smiled at Bucky, eyes crinkling in the corners. It was so endearing.

 

Bucky laughed at that and nodded his appreciation for the admission. He leaned his head on Steve’s shoulder, and felt more than heard the contented sigh he let out. This was good, this he could do. This is what a relationship was supposed to be, he reminded himself. Figuring out how to be together, and enjoying it. Being supportive and present. He could do this. He could.

  


**October 28th, 2017**

 

Finally meeting some of the Avengers was a ride, that was certain.

 

Steve had told him to meet him at the bakery where they had met the first time, and when he got there, he saw Steve and three other people inside, the lights were on, and there were tons of pastries on display. However, the front window had a sign which declared the place CLOSED. A dark-skinned man tapped Steve on the shoulder. He turned around and waved him in, pushing up from his chair and beaming.

 

Bucky opened the door, half prepared for an alarm to go off. None did, and he was glad for it. No need to have a panic attack here, in front of some the Avengers.

 

Steve pulled him into a hug, which he melted into.

 

“Hey, Buck,” Steve said, rubbing his back.

 

“Hi,” he breathed in reply, arms instinctively going around Steve’s waist.

 

When Steve pulled away, he grasped Bucky’s metal hand and led him to the table with a grin. He told him he’d rented the store for a couple of hours, which was apparently something you could do when you had decades of military back pay and were an Avenger.

 

There was the man from before, whom Bucky knew as the Falcon; a girl with long brown hair, Scarlet Witch; a sandy-haired man, Hawkeye; and a petite red-headed woman, Black Widow.

 

They were Avengers. Superheroes. Saviors.

 

And they were Steve’s closest friends and teammates.

 

“Damn, Steve, you weren’t kidding about the cheekbones,” Sam said cheekily. Bucky snorted, flushing slightly. Steve just shrugged, and winked at Bucky. He let his hand go so he could greet his friends. “How you doin’? Sam Wilson,”

 

“Hey, Bucky, good to meet you,” Bucky replied with a nod. He knew a serviceperson when he saw one. The posture, the handshake, the pain behind the smile. He understood. “Air Force, right?”

 

“You know it.” Sam nodded with a grin.

 

Bucky grinned back. Then he felt more than saw a presence behind him. He whipped around, to find the woman eyeing him up. He stood his ground, though his heart was pounding.

 

“Nat, stop it,” Steve said exasperatedly.

 

She let out a giggle and held out a hand.

 

“Nice to meet you, Steve’s boyfriend,” she said with a smirk. Bucky took her hand and shook it, noticing the way her eyes never left his. She was assessing him. That was...interesting. If he was honest, Natasha Romanoff was the one he was most nervous to meet, though Steve had assured him she was not as scary as she liked to make herself seem.

 

But, she was an Avenger for a reason.

 

“Hi, Miss Romanoff,” he said carefully. She winked at him and bobbed her head once before letting his hand drop from hers. She walked back to towards the table, where Hawkeye was still standing, and gave him a gentle shove.

 

He stumbled forward, but laughed.

 

“Hey, I’m Clint,” he said, “the other sniper.”  

 

“Bucky,” he replied, laughing. Steve must’ve told them the basics. He supposed that was fair, given what he knew about them from the media (and Steve). “Good to meet you.”

 

The girl waved at him. “Hello. It’s nice to meet you, Bucky.”

 

He was hit by how young she was, just a little older than Becca. Her light accent reminded him of his counselor at the VA hospital, but her tone was lighter. He knew she had lost her brother in Sokovia, as most did, but she seemed resilient. He shook her hand when she held it out, and he immediately decided he liked her.

 

“Wanda, right?” Bucky said charmingly, leading to a nod and a hum of approval. “You’re my daughter’s favorite Avenger, you know,” he told Wanda. She actually blushed a bit, and he laughed. Her smile was a little disbelieving, yet grateful.

 

“ExCUSE me? Steve, where’d you find this guy? Send him and his kid back!” Sam feigned outrage. Bucky giggled as he gave as good as he got from the group. They were all breathless from laughing when they finally let Bucky sit. They chatted about whatever came to mind. The owner of the shop had set aside some pastries for them. Bucky was planning on taking home a cinnamon bun for Lily.

 

Sam had asked about his time overseas-nothing invasive, but enough to show that he was glad to have someone to commiserate with. The desert had stolen from them both, so they were brothers of a sort.

 

He and Clint debated the value of a bow and arrow versus a gun. The archer convinced him to try his hand one day with a bow.

 

He, Steve and Natasha talked about their martial arts training. Turned out, Bucky had been trained in Krav Maga before joining the military. Natasha was trained in every discipline he knew, and Steve... Steve knew boxing, and Peggy taught him how to use his resources, and of course he had learned how to use the shield (by trial-and-error). But he had never really been trained in anything. He just. Did things.

 

Natasha laughed and claimed credit for his acrobatic skills, but Bucky was flabbergasted.

 

“You. Just _do stuff_? They didn’t teach you how to fight? I’ve seen video of you using techniques!”

 

Clint cackled.

 

“Nah, he just throws himself in front of people, blocks with the shield and hopes for the best!”

 

“I've picked up some things! What I do is what I know I’m capable of, or what feels like the right thing. I guess it’s a serum thing,” Steve mumbled, pouting.

 

Bucky was struggling to breathe at that point.

 

“Man with a plan! What BS! I can’t believe it!” He sniggered when he calmed down.

 

“Hey! I’m a master tactician!” Steve yelled back, giggling despite himself.

 

“Hey Barnes, you know he’s not even really a captain, right?” Clint inquired, still chortling intermittently.

 

“I’m sorry, what did you--” Bucky started, eyes wide.

 

“I’m an honorary captain, dammit!” Steve roared with laughter. Bucky laughed, holding his hands out placatingly.

 

“I know, I know! But technically, I outrank you!”

 

This teasing continued until Clint stated he and Natasha had plans later that evening, and so should start heading back to the Tower. He stood up and went for the door.

 

“I’m holding you to trying out my bows, Barnes,” he said to the dark haired man.

 

Bucky nodded with a promise to do so.

 

Sam said goodbye, clapped Bucky and Steve on the shoulder, and walked out with Wanda, who’d given Bucky a hug.

 

Natasha stayed behind to tell Bucky that she expected him to spar with her at some point. He nodded hesitantly saying he’d try to give as good as he got.

 

“I look forward to it.”

 

Before she walked out, Nat pulled Steve to the door with a wink to Bucky. She hugged him tight, telling him,

 

“I’ve never seen you smile like this. He’s good for you, Steve.” She kissed him on the cheek.

 

Steve hugged her back and thanked her.  

 

She left with a wave, leading the other two back to the Tower, which left Steve and Bucky alone in the bakery.

 

Steve pulled a chair next to Bucky, and nudged him a little with his shoulder. Bucky had watched the exchange between Natasha and Steve, and was curious.

 

“So, what do you think?” Steve asked him.

 

He hummed back with an indecisive tone, but smiled at Steve.

 

“They’re… insane. I like them,” he grinned. Steve burst out laughing. “They love you.”

 

Steve quieted down, and thought about that statement. He didn’t think Bucky was wrong. He knew he loved them, and that they were his friends. But for someone outside of the team to see how they felt was big. Nat and Clint especially were very private-they only showed what they wanted others to see.

 

“Yeah. They’re good people. I think they liked you too, Buck.”

 

He waved that idea off with a chuckle. “Are you busy the rest of today?” he asked Steve. When he answered with an eager ‘nope,’ he continued. “Do you wanna come back to the apartment? My mom took Lily for the day. We can order real food, watch some movies…”

 

“Sure, that sounds nice,” Steve said. He texted the owner of the bakery that they were leaving, while Bucky grabbed a cinnamon bun for his daughter. The two men walked to Bucky’s apartment, hand in hand. Steve asked how Lily was liking Kindergarten, about Becca and their mother. Bucky asked about the last mission Steve had been on. They also discussed favorite movies. It was established that Steve had not yet seen Jurassic Park, which, according to Bucky, was a travesty.


	4. Chapter Four

[ ](http://imgbox.com/F84czrq3)

**October 28th, 2017 (cont’d)**

  


They ordered pizza and watched the masterpiece that was Jurassic Park, and a couple of other such gems, while sitting on Bucky’s loveseat under a blanket. As the credits of the latest film rolled, they started cleaning up their mess. They bumped hips near the garbage can; they splashed each other with water at the sink; they kissed while wiping off the coffee table.

 

They crashed onto the larger couch when they finished, side by side. After a comfortable silence, Bucky picked up Steve's hand, turning it over and tracing the lines in his palm. It was large. Strong, yet delicate. An artist’s hand, more than a fighter's.

 

He laid their hands in his lap, and looked up at Steve. He'd been following Bucky's movements amusedly. Just watching for Steve’s reaction, Bucky wondered if anyone had ever looked at Steve and really _saw_ him--if Peggy ever really saw him. It was so often that people only saw the public image that was Captain America. But Bucky got to see Steve Rogers, away from the media, in the quiet of his home.

 

Bucky's eyes flickered to his mouth as his free hand reached up to hold Steve's face. He spoke softly, stroking his cheek with his thumb, feeling the bristly hair there.

 

“So, I may have lied a little bit. Lily is actually going to sleep at my mom's. I don't suppose you'd be interested in staying over?” he asked in a low voice.

 

Steve’s breath hitched, and he leaned in, pressing his lips to Bucky's lightly.  

 

“I could be persuaded,” he rumbled. He kissed Bucky again, and then again because he could.

 

“Mmm, we should… probably… go upstairs,” Bucky breathed between kisses. He shifted a bit closer and placed his metal hand on a muscled thigh.

 

The blond man pushed him back gently, just enough to stand and pull him up. He let Bucky lead the way to his bedroom on the second floor.

 

He had seen it before, on the odd occasions that Bucky asked him to get something. He knew that the walls were a light blue, the carpet charcoal grey.  He knew that Bucky had a queen sized bed, the sheets were a pale olive green, and the comforter a dark forest green.

 

At that moment, he couldn't have cared less if the walls were painted with clowns.

 

They stole kisses from each other as they made their way into the room. Bucky got his flesh hand under Steve's shirt and tried to lift it over his head. Steve helped him out, and chucked the shirt into a corner, as Bucky's hand roamed over his abs. Steve noticed that he was trying not to touch him with the metal prosthetic, which was unacceptable to him.

 

“Bucky, you can touch me with your left hand too.” He didn’t want the other man to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, especially not on Steve’s behalf.

 

The younger man hesitated, looking up with pinched brows.

 

“It’s ok, it doesn’t bother me,” Steve tried.

 

“It’s...weird. Cold,” he mumbled. Steve held the metal hand between both of his and said,

 

“It's not weird, honey, it’s your arm. And if it’s cold, we’ll just have to warm it up, then, yeah?” He flashed a small grin, and Bucky couldn’t help but smile back. Steve was so _sweet_. He proved just how much in the next minute.

 

When he ran his fingers over the hem of Bucky's henley, the other man caught his hands and froze. Therefore, so did Steve. His hands went back to his boyfriend's arms, rubbing up and down slowly to let him know he wasn't upset at all.

“Sorry…” Bucky whispered, hating himself a little for getting self-conscious again and stopping Steve.

 

“Hey, it's ok. You wanna stop?”

 

“No! Definitely no.”

 

“You wanna leave it on?” Steve suggested.

 

“No… but-- it's. It's uh…” he shook his head, unable to articulate what he was thinking. Steve waited patiently, giving him time to collect his thoughts. “I just--I don't want you to--it's… really ugly, Steve,” he trailed off, shrugging.

 

“Bucky--”

 

“And, they're everywhere, the scars. They're not just on my shoulder.”

 

Nodding, the taller man beckoned Bucky over to the bed, where he sat down. Bucky declined to sit, and huddled in on himself. He was wearing a brave face, but it was clear to Steve that he was uncomfortable.  

 

“We don't have to do anything, Buck. But you gotta know it doesn't make a difference to me.”

 

“I know, I do,” Bucky assured him, “And I don't want to stop… I'm just-- being dramatic. But I want you to see.”

 

“You’re not being dramatic. When you’re ready, Buck, I’ll be here. It doesn’t have to be now,” Steve reiterated.

 

Bucky shook his head and adopted a look of determination. Determination to trust Steve; to swallow his anxiety down; to let himself enjoy what he wanted.

 

So, Steve watched as Bucky backed away from the bed, and shucked his shirt. His own toned torso was revealed bit by bit, as well as the extent of the metal arm, and finally, the scars that littered his body. He stood, bravely staring Steve down.

 

It was evidence of the horrific torture he had endured. Pearly pink and white lines and dots showed where shrapnel had sliced, as well as where knives had been stabbed into him. But around his shoulder, angry red lined the metal, while five whitish lines extended out from the seam towards Bucky’s chest. Steve felt sick, having realized that those lines were likely caused by Bucky clawing at himself in fear and confusion. All the marks proved that Bucky had survived.

 

He was beautiful.

 

It was the only word he could think of. The only word he could breathe.

 

Staring with wide eyes, Steve became aware of Bucky starting to fold in on himself. He made to stop him.

 

“No, Buck, no, c’mere… god you’re gorgeous,” he said, reaching out a hand to him. Bucky stepped closer, still timid. But he came to rest between Steve’s knees, and let him place his hands on his hips. He kept his own at his sides, not knowing where to put them. Steve’s eyes were dark with desire, ringed with pale blue. But he wasn’t looking for anything, Bucky realized. He was just admiring. He would let Bucky go if he said something.

 

That wasn’t what he wanted, though.

 

“Steve...can we--uh… shit…” he tried. He’d never been _watched_ like this, and it was a little frightening. But it also gave him the courage he needed to convey to Steve what he wanted. He leaned his forehead against that of the sitting man, and put his hands on his shoulders. “Please?” he murmured.

 

“Yeah, sweetheart, ok. Ground rules?” Steve managed to ask with only half of his brain functioning.

 

Bucky huffed out a laugh and took a moment to think. They quickly talked through what they liked and what they didn’t, who could do what, what was off limits. Bucky told Steve he’d been with a few guys when he was younger. Steve relayed that he was afraid he’d hurt him, because he never had.

 

“You're not gonna hurt me. Now take off your pants.”

 

Steve laughed loudly and did as he was told. Bucky stripped as well, and bared more scars to Steve. The rest of him was just as lovely, with silvery marks left from stab wounds winding up muscled thighs.

 

Standing back up after having shed his socks, Bucky caught Steve staring. But before he could make a cheeky comment, his eyes landed on Steve's body. He was having trouble believing that Steve was real, that anyone could look that perfect.

 

“Holy shit.” Bucky's gaze dragged down from Steve's face, to his defined abs, to his strong thighs and calves.

 

Blushing, Steve grinned and reached an arm out. He snaked it around his waist, and yanked him in for a kiss. Bucky giggled at the tickle of his beard and pushed him back gently.

 

“Wait, wait, wait! Are you serious? How the fuck?”

 

Still flushed, Steve shrugged,

 

“Serum? I guess?”

 

“That's not fair. I want some of that. I gotta _work_ for this,” Bucky gestured towards his body vaguely. Steve huffed a laugh, grabbing his hips.

 

“You complaining, Sarge?” he growled out.

 

The shorter man sucked in a breath at that. _Oh fuck._ That wasn't fair either. Steve was almost _too_ hot.

 

_And I'm very lucky._

 

“Nope, just wondering who's getting the better end of the deal, here.”

 

It was meant to be a joke, but Steve didn't laugh with him. Instead, his eyes went soft and he held Bucky’s face in his hands. Sky and steel locked together while Bucky felt his heart race itself into melting.

 

It might have been too early to say for sure, but he'd never felt like this. Safe, cared for, loved. Steve looked at him like he was important. And Steve was just a good person. He--and everyone else--had known that about Captain America, but witnessing it in person, and being the recipient of his kindness were overwhelming. This was Steve Rogers.

 

And Bucky got to see him like this.

 

He had to get his lips on him. He kissed him, hard, pouring all of his gratefulness and love into it, hoping Steve could feel it.

 

Steve stopped him after a moment to admit,

 

“I don't really know… how to do much of...anything.” He wasn't shy about it, more asking for help in how to please Bucky.

 

“It's ok, just follow my lead, huh, Cap?”

 

Bucky guided him through the night, both men enjoying the give and take of their mutual pleasure.

 

Before they got too far, Steve paused to ask,

 

“You sure?”

 

“Ugh, you’re so _sweet!_ Yes, I’m sure,” he answered, getting impatient.

 

“Alright, alright,” Steve laughed back.

 

*

 

After Steve had cleaned them up, Bucky could hardly move for the heaviness he felt in every limb and joint and bone and muscle. He was happy, truly happy. He lay curled up on his side under his comforter, watching Steve pick up their clothes and throw out the garbage.

 

Steve returned after a minute to the foot of the bed, but didn’t move beyond awkwardly shifting his weight from foot to foot.

 

“C’mere, Stevie,” he slurred. He wiggled his fingers in his direction, earning a chuckle.

 

“I didn’t know if you wanted me to stay,” he said softly. He climbed into the bed, and shifted under the covers before turning to face Bucky.

 

Bucky frowned cutely, and said,

 

“Why the fuck would I have my mom take my kid for the night, and invite you over if I didn’t want you to stay?”

 

Steve snorted loudly-he had a point. He threw his hand over the other man’s stomach, and pulled him close.

 

“This is real, right?’ Bucky suddenly asked in the quiet. Confused as to what he meant, Steve waited. “This isn’t me dreaming or hallucinating or anything? You’re actually here? We actually did this?”

 

Steve let Bucky hide his face under his chin, hair and breath tickling his throat. His heart seized in his chest, thinking of what Bucky’s brain had conjured up in the past, only to reveal that it was all invented. He thought of Bucky, alone, hurt, terrified. What would he have thought up to comfort himself? How did he cope when he realized it wasn’t true?

 

“Yeah, honey, this is real,” he said kindly, stroking Bucky’s long, chocolate hair.

 

Huffing a bit, Bucky replied,

 

“Good. I’m glad.”

 

“Me too. Night, Bucky.”  

 

“Night, Stevie,” he mumbled. He was asleep before Steve pulled away from kissing his hair.

 


	5. Chapter Five

[ ](http://imgbox.com/vuHI3dI2)

**October 29th, 2017**

 

Bucky woke from a dreamless sleep to Steve tracing the planes of his face with a fingertip. The sun was warm where it entered through the slats in the blinds. Steve emitted such warmth, too. He couldn't pretend to still be sleeping, not with the way his lips kept threatening to quirk up. So, after a minute or so, he snuggled closer and let eyes flutter open and settle on Steve.

 

“Hi,” Steve whispered, hand moving to stroke Bucky's hair.

 

“Hi,” Bucky said with a soft grin. He leaned up for a kiss, which was given without reservation.

 

They laid in bed, kissing while Steve caressed Bucky’s soft hair, until their stomachs announced their annoyance at not having been fed for too long. Still feeling a little awkward without anything covering him, Bucky retrieved a pair of his boxer-briefs once he climbed out the bed. He lifted a leg to slide them on, but he caught Steve freeze out of the corner of his eye, still sitting up on the bed.

 

“Steve?” he asked, turning to see what was wrong. Steve was looking at him, specifically his lower body, with a mix of anger and regret. Bucky's first instinct was to hide, but Steve took two long strides toward him before he could. Lifting Bucky's hand to eye level, he wrapped his fingers loosely around the wrist. After examining it for...something, he let his wrist go, and then knelt in front of Bucky.

 

“Steve, what--” He gently pressed his fingers to Bucky's hips, and then his thighs, looking miserable all the while. Confused, Bucky grabbed his chin and tilted the blonde head up. “Hey, hi, you alright down there, pal?” He peered into sad blue eyes.

 

“I hurt you…” he whispered hoarsely.

 

“What? What are you talking about?” He couldn't for the life of him think of a time when he'd been in pain last night. He only remembered feeling pleasure, and being safe and loved.

 

Steve ran his fingers over where they had lain moments ago, and when Bucky looked down to them, he understood.

 

There were black and blue marks across his hips and thighs, and encircling his right wrist. It was nothing terrible, and he'd certainly had worse injuries, such that these didn't even register. But Steve...Steve felt badly that he'd left marks on his body.

 

Smiling sweetly and running his hands through Steve hair, he let him know it was alright.

 

“Sweetheart, they're just bruises. I'm not hurt.”

 

Rising, Steve cradled his face and rested his forehead on Bucky's.

 

“If I grabbed you hard enough to bruise, that's--”

 

“Nothing I didn't want, Steve,” he insisted. Knowing he would try to argue, Bucky headed him off. “I would have said something if I wasn't enjoying myself.” Steve still looked unconvinced, so Bucky kept talking. “You didn't hurt me, ok? I know you'd never hurt me,” he declared softly.

 

Having seemingly been searching for something in his eyes, Steve must have found what he was looking for, and finally relaxed, humming his agreement. Bucky held out his arms and Steve again came close so that he could hold him. Resting his head atop his shoulder, Steve sighed contentedly. Bucky rubbed his back soothingly while they stood, still undressed, in the middle of the bedroom.

 

They stayed like that until their stomachs interrupted them to again protest the lack of food.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Kissing Steve goodbye was harder than Bucky wanted to admit. But, he had a job to do, and his family would be there by noon. He didn't want them to have any fodder to tease him with. He felt a little too raw after his first night with Steve.

 

He'd been shown how it was to be treated with respect, despite his scars and his hesitation. Steve had been nothing but kind and understanding, and while he wasn't particularly surprised by this, he was grateful.

 

But it was strange. He was waiting for that to change. He wasn't sure why--he was confident that it wasn't in Steve to mistreat anyone. But it was in the back of his mind, that Steve could change his mind and drop out of his life. He hoped that, with time, his anxiety would dissipate as his relationship with Steve progressed.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Steve returned to the Tower around noon, and made a beeline for Natasha and Clint’s floor. He was walking on air, and needed to tell someone. Natasha and Sam would be the least likely to tease him, and Sam was in DC visiting his mom for the week.

 

The elevator doors opened and FRIDAY informed him that the couple were in the kitchen. Clint was trying to wrestle a knife from Natasha's hand, and was failing miserably. He took advantage of the momentary distraction of Steve entering the room to not only get the knife, but to fling it into the wall.  

 

Natasha smacked him in the back of the head, shouting about damaging the drywall. Then she turned to Steve, looking perfectly composed.

 

“Where've you been, Steve? You missed movie night,” she said drily, as if it weren't written all over his rapidly reddening face. As if she didn’t already know.

 

“Uh, yeah, I know. Sorry, something came up,” he said, hoping against all hope that Clint would not pick up on the exchange. He didn't. “Nat, you got a minute?”

 

She smiled widely, saying, “Sure. Honey, try not to burn the place down.”

 

Clint grinned like a shark and retorted, “Bite me, sweetheart.”

 

Natasha flipped him off and turned on her heel, leading Steve back to the elevator. They were silent on the ride up to Steve's floor. But the second they stepped into the living room and the elevator doors shut behind them, Natasha was on him.

 

“I'm proud of you Steve, you got your guy and you--”

 

“Please stop. I just want to--I--fuck.” Steve sighed heavily, hanging his head. Nat lay down on the couch, her head turned towards Steve. Her eyebrows shot up at the sound of his frustration, when minutes ago he had been glowing with love.  

 

“What happened?” she asked, sitting back up. Steve had a way of making mountains out of molehills, and he readily admitted it. But he seemed torn. Between what, she could only guess.

 

“Nothing! I mean, not nothing, but it went well. It was great, he’s great. I just don’t know what--”

 

“Whoa, slow down, Steve. What is the the problem?” she asked.

 

Steve huffed and looked at his hands.

 

“I hurt him. I… jeez, this is embarrassing,” he said, almost to himself. Natasha waited patiently, knowing that if she pushed, he’d shut her out. “I guess I--held him too tightly? I left bruises on him…”

 

She blinked.

 

“You left bruises.”

 

“Yes. I didn’t mean to. He swears he’s ok, but--”

 

“Steve,” Nat interrupted flatly. His mouth shut with an audible click of his teeth. “You’re upset that you marked him up.” A nod. “Bozhe moi. Ok, was he upset? Was he squirming away from you? Did he say that you were hurting him?”

 

Steve reddened some more, and shook his head.

 

“Did he say anything about it?” Nat asked, already knowing the answer from Steve’s reaction.

 

“Uh. He...didn’t until I brought it up. He said he was alright.”

 

Natasha resisted the urge to slap a palm to her face. Steve may have been a master tactician, but he was dense. She understood that it was because of his lack of experience, but really?

 

“Ok. Then why the hell are you still worrying about it? He said he’s ok, he didn’t even realize until you said something. It’s fine. You did nothing wrong, Steve.”

 

“I know, I know, but I still feel bad. My grip is stronger than most people’s, and I’m usually aware of it, but I--”

 

“You were having a good time. You  weren’t thinking. Whatever. I’m telling you, it’s ok. If you’re still that concerned, then call him,” she tried to reassure him. It wasn’t often he had a crisis like this, so she tried to be patient with him when he did. It was easy forget that he wasn’t much older than she was, and wasn’t as adept at understanding people as one would expect.

 

“Alright. Ok. I’ll let it go for now.” He paused. She could see when another anxiety broke through in his brain, because his eyes went wide. “Shit, I really could hurt him if I’m not careful…”

 

She sighed. Always worried about everyone else before himself. She sometimes wondered how she had managed to win the trust of possibly the best man she had ever met.  

 

“Have you _ever_ hurt someone by accident? No. Now stop being dramatic and enjoy your relationship. I can't believe I just said that,” she said quietly to herself.

 

The irony of her current situation hit her, and she barked out a laugh. Most of her life, she had had no real relationships. She used people and manipulated them, and in turn, was the focus of similar manipulation herself. It was only when Clint brought her back to S.H.I.E.L.D. that she started learning the difference between feigning a relationship to get information, and having actual, meaningful relationships with people.

 

Steve might've been the second person to help her realize that. Having their roles reversed now was as interesting as it was unsettling. But, as she had told him in Sam's apartment, she owed him, and now was as good a time as any for her to start trying to repay him.  

 

Steve was watching her, something like amazement singing in his eyes. No, not amazement--pride. He grinned.

 

She felt her face warming up, and she punched him in the chest, laughing.

 

“Shut up, Cap!” she giggled.  

 

He held his hands up in surrender, cheeks pink, and pulled her into a hug.

 

“Thanks, Nat. And I'm really glad you're so happy. That you're letting yourself be happy.”

 

She hugged him back tightly, and did _not_ tear up. She _did_ tell him,

 

“Now you've just gotta do the same thing.”

 

He leaned his head against hers, and nodded once before letting her go.

 

“Yeah, I guess I do, huh? You know, before I met Peggy I just resigned myself to being alone. Then I woke up here, and that hadn't changed. But, maybe…”

 

She lifted a palm to his cheek and patted lightly, saying,

 

“Definitely. I know people, Steve, I know their tells. He's just as in love as you are. Just, let it happen. Let him be there for you, and be there for him when he needs you to. You already do that for all us. There's just...an extra layer with him.”

 

“I'm scared, Nat. I've never been scared like this,” he admitted, eyes to the floor.

 

She sighed.

 

“I know. It's terrifying. But, if I can do it, you can do it. Trust me. Trust him. Trust yourself.”

 

He looked up at her with that same look of pride, and said,

 

“I'm trying, Natasha.”

 

“‘S all we can do, right?” Natasha winked at him.

 

He hummed in agreement, before reiterating that he was grateful he could go to her for this kind of talk.  

 

“Any time, Steve. I'll see you later,” she answered, turning towards the elevator that would take her back to Clint.

 

He sighed and sat down on the sofa, running a hand over his face. _She's right,_ he thought, _I have to just enjoy this. That's not so hard._


	6. Chapter Six

[ ](http://imgbox.com/RvtS7FMq)

**November 21st, 2017**

 

When Bucky had suggested meeting his mom, Steve was all for it. He felt like he was ready, he was prepared. It was an appropriate time, he thought; they’d officially been together for three months. Plus, Bucky had met some of his friends already. So meeting the woman who raised him was something Steve was totally willing to do.

 

Actually getting ready to meet Mrs. Winifred Barnes the day of was another story.

 

In the night, he’d dreamt of offending her in multiple ways, of making her angry, of being rejected. He’d dreamt of her talking Bucky out of being with Steve.

 

But Becca, and Bucky himself, had previously stated that Winnie would be thrilled when she realized who Bucky’s Steve was. She was already ecstatic that Bucky was so happy. And who wouldn’t be happy their child was dating Captain America?

 

Steve had his doubts.

 

But he went about his day with his stomach in knots. He couldn’t remember ever having cared so much what someone thought of him, besides his own mother. But this was important.

 

When he arrived at Bucky’s apartment and saw Becca and Lily sitting on the floor working on a puzzle, he felt calmer. Two of the three Barnes girls liked him, so maybe he had a chance of impressing the third.

 

Bucky smiled sweetly at him and leaned up to kiss him hello.

 

‘Hi. Are you doing ok?” he asked with a giggle. He thought it was adorable that Steve was so nervous about meeting his mother. It was so endearing. Nearly everything he did was so damn charming, and Bucky had no complaints about it.

 

Steve smiled sheepishly.

 

“Eh. I’m hanging in there.”

 

“Hey, Steve!” Becca shouted with a wave from her seat next to her niece.

 

“Hi, Becca,” he said. “Hey, Lily! What are you working on?” He asked the girl. She didn’t leave her spot, but she greeted him and told him it was a puzzle of kittens.

 

Bucky took Steve’s hand and had him sit on the couch. He handed Steve a bottle of water, and they chatted about their respective days, both of which had been relatively uneventful.

 

Winnie was due to arrive in half an hour, and Bucky was not nervous at all. He hadn’t told his mother exactly who Steve was, only that he was great and he was so good to him and Lily. Becca had been sworn to secrecy, and had kept to it, despite practically vibrating out of her skin every time she spoke to her mom.

 

The Barnes siblings knew that Steve had nothing to worry about. But they talked about how cute it was that he was so concerned. Becca and Steve had become fast friends, and they talked almost as much as he and Bucky did. She was just as feisty as he had first thought, and she was generous with her time, despite being in school. She offered to babysit so often that Steve felt bad to turn her down when he had to go on a mission. She was so happy for her brother that it shone in her eyes when she looked at them.

 

She had never seen Bucky like this. He loved Lily, but there was always a bittersweetness in the way he cared for her. She fully believed that the arrival of her niece had saved her brother’s life. When he finally came home, he had been so withdrawn and quiet and unbearably _sad_. He was traumatized beyond anything she could comprehend, and there was a time when she feared she would lose him.

 

When he took Lily in, he regained a semblance of the determination that had carried him through his life. He had tried to do it alone. He had refused to ask for help, not out of pride, but out of shame. He felt he should be able to care for his daughter on his own. And he didn’t want to burden his family any more than he felt he already had. Eventually, he had opened up to them. But he had remained closed off to everyone else. He didn’t go out, he spent all his time doing odd jobs and taking care of Lily, he stopped going to therapy.

 

He had traded a solitary life for a life of caregiving. He put everything into taking care of his girl. It was still painful to see him; he was still sad and fucked up. But he called them every day to give them an update about Lily. He asked for breaks when he needed them. He smiled when Lily hit her milestones. He cried because of how beautiful she was.

 

Bucky had returned to them after Lily came to him.

 

But he had _never_ smiled like he did with Steve. He had never laughed so hard, never taken such good care of himself, never spoken so freely about how he felt. It was something of a miracle to Becca. This was her brother, the Bucky she remembered from her childhood: fierce, protective, joyous and _alive._

 

She knew her mother could tell how different he was. And she knew she would love Steve for making her boy happy.

 

Watching Bucky and Steve was like watching a choreographed dance. They were perfectly in sync, from the way they cleaned together, to the way they traded conversation, to how they cared for Lily. They made each other laugh; they were so sweet with each other, so affectionate without being cloying.

 

Becca loved them. They were just right for each other. She told her mom as much. She couldn’t wait for her to witness it herself.

 

*

 

When Bucky’s doorbell finally rang, Steve jumped a foot into the air. Bucky squeezed his shoulder gently with his metal hand and gave him a reassuring smile. Steve smiled back and took a deep breath to calm himself.

 

Winifred Barnes was a woman of average height, but of strong presence. She stood tall and square, with the same inner strength Steve had come to associate with the Barnes family. Her children resembled her so strongly that he wondered just how strong their genes were. Her hair was shot through with streaks of silver, but it was the same warm dark brown that her family had, with the same wave to it. Her eyes were a warmer blue than the rest of her kin, but Steve could clearly see where Bucky’s stunning bone structure had come from.

 

After having greeted her family, Bucky led her by the hand to where Steve had stood up near the couch.

 

“Mama, this is Steve. Steve, my mother, Winnie Barnes,” he said with a hopeful lilt.

 

The older woman looked Steve in the eyes, then gave him a once over, and her face changed from reserved to sour.

 

Steve stopped breathing.

 

“James. Rebecca. You neglected to tell me that Steve is Steve Rogers,” she said flatly, glaring at her kids.

 

They both winced.

 

Steve fought the urge to laugh. Lily didn’t.

 

“Steve, I’m Winnie. It’s wonderful to meet you, finally. If I had known that my son was dating Captain America, I would have insisted on meeting you sooner,” she said, smiling sweetly and taking his hand to shake.

 

“Ma’am, it’s good to meet you too,” he replied with his patented Man with a Plan smile.

 

“Nana, Steve slept over last night! We made hot chocolate and watched Moana!” Lily chirped.

 

Winnie raised an eyebrow at the two men, both of whom blushed while Rebecca chuckled quietly.

 

“Oh, really? That sounds like fun! Steve, how did you like it?”

 

He cleared his throat to answer,

 

“It was really cute. Loved the music.” He smiled what he hoped was a winning smile. He hadn’t really watched it. He had spent the night watching Bucky, and then doing other things to Bucky after Lily went to bed.

 

Winnie just smirked at him.

 

“Ok, who’s hungry, I made lunch!” Bucky interjected. He really didn’t need his mom interrogating his boyfriend about their sex life. Thankfully, his daughter saw fit to save him that particular embarrassment.

 

“LUNCH!” She yelled gleefully.

 

Bucky was proud of Steve for leading the conversation, nervous as he had been. But he had known that his mom would love Steve. It was hard to imagine anyone not loving him-villains aside.

 

Winnie had decided to basically adopt him within the half hour, which surprised exactly none of the three younger Barneses. Becca was in her glory, watching her brother laugh and smile and joke. Even when Lily (for whom he always wore a brave, happy face) would leave the room, Bucky's face never dropped the small smile and adoring gaze.

 

She and her mother exchanged knowing looks. Bucky was very in love.  

 

But they could see it in Steve, too, in the way he watched Bucky when he spoke. It was in the way he moved around Bucky and in the casual way he touched him.

 

The siblings cleaned up, having insisted that Winifred and Steve talk some more. Lily had begged them to watch another movie with her, so they sat on the couch, and the girl plopped on the floor.

 

“Bucky told me you're a nurse,” Steve opened with.

 

She smiled and nodded.

 

“Yes, 25 years in the NICU. Your mother was, too, right?”

 

Looking at the floor Steve hummed.

 

“TB ward. She patched me up a lot, too,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

Eyebrows shooting up in barely contained shock, Winnie made a confused noise.

 

“I was sick most of the time before- before the serum. Heh, I also got into a lot of fights-bullies and jerks. And it's no secret that I was… small, so whatever I did wasn't very effective. Got a lot of injuries. Ma… she didn't want me fighting, but she always said you have to fight for what's right, especially when no one else will.”

 

The woman froze in amazement. All at once she realized that the man next to her, her Bucky's Steve, really was Captain America. An old soul in a young body, who had lived through a world war, and had been hurt in ways she could never understand. He was the real deal--a heart of gold backed by immeasurable strength.

 

And this man loved her son.

 

“Ah, so she was the real beginning of Captain America,” she murmured.

 

Steve laughed softly.

 

“Sarah O'Keeffe, Captain Ireland,” he said with crooked smile. He could imagine his tiny mother in a gaudy green and orange uniform, shouting orders in the ward, her larger-than-life presence mesmerizing and projecting into a crowd. He felt a familiar pang in his chest, one that always appeared when he thought of his Ma.

 

Winnie must have noticed, because she laid a hand on his and gave it a firm squeeze. He sent her a grateful smile before redirecting the conversation to her NICU patients.  

 

She gushed about the little ones, and that led to talk of her children as babies. She offered to bring photos next time, to which Bucky and Becca shouted a resounding “ _NO!_ ” Steve snickered, and wished he had some of his own to show them. Any old pictures of him were either gone or had been public domain for ages.

 

*

 

From the kitchen, the Barnes siblings listened in to the conversation. Bucky was infinitely grateful that Steve and his mother were getting on so well. He hadn't really thought they would clash, but the possibility had been lurking in the back of his mind, where his anxiety housed itself.

 

Hearing Steve speak about his own mother was heartbreaking, though they'd talked about Sarah Rogers at length. He always got this bittersweet smile and his eyes would go soft and sad. Bucky couldn't imagine having lost his mom and then having absolutely no one left.

 

Becca nudged him hard with an elbow, making him yelp and flick dish water at her. She wore a kind expression as she addressed her brother.

 

“You are so in love with him.”

 

Bucky gaped. He had thought about it, of course, but giving a name to the way he felt about Steve was still scary. It was new and it was intense, and he couldn't quite wrap his head around it.

 

But even as he was thinking it, he knew Becca was right.

 

He groaned softly, putting the last dish in the drain.

 

“Becs, what am I gonna do? He's so _good._ He's so good with Lily, he's so sweet.”

 

“What do you mean, ‘what am I gonna do?’ You're going to love him, and let him love you and your kid,” she answered.

 

He frowned in a way that would be hilariously cartoonish, were it not for the very real insecurity she knew plagued him.

 

“How the fuck do I do that? I don't know how to do any of this.”

 

“Bucky. You've _been_ doing it for, what, three months? You're fine,” she reminded her brother.

 

Bucky hummed uncertainly, but seemed to take her words to heart. He knew she was right again. But his brain still wanted to freak out and shut down. He really ought to start his therapy back up again, he thought. He looked at his little sister and was, not for the first time, awed by how wise she was sometimes. He felt badly that he leaned on her so much, but she took it in stride, never complained, and was honest with him.

 

She had basically grown up with his trauma-he had been unable to shield her or his mother from it. So, she learned from it. When she told him it was her goal to become a therapist who specializes in PTSD and related trauma, he cried. He didn't want her in that world. But she had already been exposed to it, and she was an adult who could make her own choices. So, he supported her and tried not to ask too much of her in that capacity. He was incredibly proud of her. And he was so, so grateful she was his sister.

 

“I know…I know. Heh, y’know that's what Steve says to me too? When I get--when I freak out?” he said quietly.

 

Becca shrugged, replying,

 

“You two aren't that different. You've both got shit to deal with, and you help each other with it. That's how it's supposed to be, right?”

 

“Kid, when did you get so smart?” he asked, feeling a bit wistful.

 

She shoved him and said,

 

“Fuck you, I was always the smart one!”

 

He laughed and waved her into the living area, where he promptly sat next to Steve on the couch, leaving Becca to take the loveseat. He shuffled into Steve's side, feeling a little bold after Becca’s pep talk. Winifred raised a delicate brow, but smiled at him. Steve's arm had immediately wound around the back of his neck.  

 

He felt a sense of peace, the kind that only came from being with those who knew your flaws and loved you for them. This was his family. He was safe, and loved, and so were they. It was perfect.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

  


Natasha sent Steve a text that she needed backup right in the middle of watching Sleeping Beauty. He sighed, letting his head fall forward. Knowing she wouldn't have bothered him without exhausting all her other options, he apologized profusely for having to leave.  

 

“Oh, it's alright, dear. You do important work,” Winnie said. “Just make sure you text Bucky when you're home, please?”

 

“Of course, ma'am,” he assured her.

 

“Winnie is fine, Steve.”

 

He smiled shyly at her.

 

“Winnie. It was great to meet you,” he said, offering a hand.

 

He was shocked for a moment when she pulled him into a hug. But it made sense--the other Barneses were so expressive and open, why wouldn’t their matriarch be?

 

“Be careful, dear. I'll see you soon.” she kissed him on the cheek before letting him go.

 

He hugged Becca goodbye, and then Lily. She was sad he had to go, but he reminded her that the three of them would be getting dinner together in a few days. That won him a high five, and another hug, while the three other adults laughed.

 

Bucky shooed his girl far away enough that he could lead Steve to the door to say goodbye. They stood facing one another, stalling for an extra moment. Bucky finally leaned up to kiss Steve gently on the mouth, and told him,

 

“Go on, go be a hero.”

 

The blond man looked like he was in physical pain, like he couldn’t stand leaving Bucky behind. He grimaced.

 

“I really am sorry, Buck.”

 

“I know, it’s ok. Natasha needs you. Just--just be careful, ok? Text me when you’re done?” Bucky said, nudging him a little with his hip.

 

Steve smiled, a tiny, sad thing, and nodded.

 

“Of course. I’ll see you soon, love.” He hugged Bucky tightly, kissing his temple with soft, dry lips. Bucky hugged back, and then gave him a light shove out the door.

 

“See ya, Stevie,” he said, with a sweet smile.

 

Steve really didn’t want to go.

 

But, Natasha, who rarely needed help, needed him. So, to his friend’s side he would go. He would just have to keep this night close while he was...doing whatever he was going to be doing.

 

The second the door clicked shut, Bucky slumped a bit. He felt a hand on his shoulder blade, and leaned into it, feeling leaden. His mother hummed at him, asking if he was ok.

 

“I’m alright, Mama. It’s just...strange. To think he goes to work and does--I dunno, superhero stuff,” the puff of air he let out was less a laugh than a sigh of frustration. “That probably doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”

 

“Oh, Jamie, it’s alright. I may not understand everything, but I know how it feels to wait for someone you love to come home whole,” she pointed out.

 

He wanted to cry, suddenly. She hadn’t called him that in a long time--not since he was 25 and missing an arm and holding a tiny girl, crying because it was _too much,_ but he couldn’t abandon her, he couldn’t do that, not like _him!_

 

“Let’s go finish the movie, hmm? I think Lily wanted you to see the end of it,” Winifred urged her son.

 

They did, and he calmed down and enjoyed the rest of the night with his girls. When his mom and sister decided to return to their home for the night, Becca reiterated that she loved seeing him so happy. She kissed him on the cheek, and said goodnight to Lily.

 

Winifred had more to say.

 

She took his face between her palms, forcing him to look her in the eyes.

 

“Jamie, I’m glad you have him. And that he has you,” she said firmly, willing him to internalize what she was saying. “You are good for each other. You might have to work to keep it that way, though. I know it’s scary, but I don’t think he’ll let you chicken out.” She smiled fondly at him, pulling lightly at his bangs.

 

He breathed a laugh.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right, Mama. Mama, he’s the best. He’s-he’s-I don’t deserve him. But I don’t care. He makes me not care. He makes me feel…” he rambled, waving a hand wildly. She interrupted him with a finger to his lips.

 

“I know. I can see it, Jamie. You’re both in love.”

 

“Is that crazy? It’s only been three months.”

 

“But you feel like you’ve known him all your life, right?” Winnie asked with a tilt of her head.

 

“...Yeah. I do.” Bucky answered, lips quirking up.

 

“Mm. I think you have your answer, baby. Now, I have to go before your sister decides to leave me here. Not that I would mind,” she grinned. He chuckled timidly, and hugged her again, whispering,

 

“Thank you, Mama. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, my Jamie. Goodnight, sweetheart.”

 

And with that, she left him with his daughter and his thoughts.

 

As he watched Lily dance and sing along with the film from his couch, he thought of Steve lifting her up by one arm as she hung on by her knees. He thought of Steve cleaning up while he put Lily to bed. Steve inviting them to the Tower to show Lily all of the gadgets and gear. Steve spending his own money showering her with little gifts. He had never once indicated that he was uncomfortable with Bucky having a child. He took care of Lily like he did, like his mom and Becca did. He cared for her as if she was his own.

 

And Steve cared for _him_ with the same devotion.

 

 _Oh shit. He loves us. He...loves_ me _._

 

_And....I love him._

 

Even after Becca left, that thought spun around in his head until his head hit his pillow that night.

 


	7. Chapter Seven

[ ](http://imgbox.com/wR5m7JkR)

**December 9th, 2017**

 

They’d had a rare lazy Sunday morning, complete with breakfast in bed (courtesy of Steve and Lily), followed by a lazy afternoon, which became a lazy evening. Currently smushed on the couch with a sleeping girl in their laps were Steve and Bucky. They had just finished watching Snow White, which Steve had requested. It had been one of his favorites from the thirties-the artwork was incredible, even if he couldn’t see the colors correctly. He’d briefly entertained the idea of becoming an animator, but with the colorblindness, it wasn’t really plausible.

 

Bucky’s head was leaning on his shoulder, and Steve was engrossed in watching his eyelashes as they fluttered. He was stroking Lily’s hair, so like her father’s. It occurred to Steve, not for the first time, that the four Barneses he knew all looked strikingly similar. They all had strong cheekbones, blue eyes, wavy brown hair. They were all lovely.

 

He wondered what Bucky’s father had looked like, and Lily’s mother. They either both had the same coloring, or possessed recessive genes that Winifred’s side of the family dominated. He decided to ask about the woman.

 

“Buck, what did Valentina look like? I know I say this all the time, but you all look so much like each other. Did Lily get anything from her?” To someone outside their little circle, it might have seemed rude for Steve to ask, or to ask about Lily’s mother at all. But they’d talked about her, and Lily knew about her mother--well, the less sketchy information. She didn’t need to know what might have happened to her or what she might have been involved in.

 

“Mmm...she was platinum blonde, tiny-I think she was, maybe, five foot three? There’s this one face Lily makes--I’ll try to point it out next time she does it--that Val would make when she was thinking really hard. I didn’t really know her that well, to be honest, so I don’t know about mannerisms or anything. But that face, I can see Val there,” Bucky answered quietly. He seemed to hold no lost love or anger for the woman who had given him Lily. Just a soft wistfulness. “I’m gonna go lay her down. Be right back,” Bucky said, standing with his daughter in his arms.

 

“I’ll be here,” Steve murmured, smiling at the sleeping girl. Her hand was curled in Bucky’s shirt, like she couldn’t bear to let him go. Bucky returned a few minutes later, hanging over Steve’s head leaned against the back of the couch.

 

“Is it the scrunched nose face? Because you do that too, you know,” Steve joked.

 

Bucky huffed a laugh, “No, not that one. It’s like...her eyebrows get pinched and she sticks her bottom lip out a little? I don’t know. It’s cute.” He walked around to the front of the couch and sat close to Steve, snuggling into him.

 

Steve snickered, and tapped the crown Bucky’s head. “Hmm, tiny, blonde--Buck, I think you have a type,” he said, waiting for the other man to react.

 

Bucky barked out a laugh, then snorted trying to hold it back for fear of waking his kid.

“Jesus, Stevie, I don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re enormous.”

 

Grinning, the blond man said, “Well, I _was_ small. For longer than I’ve been ‘enormous.’”

 

They laughed together quietly, and then sat in silence for a bit while the beginning of some late night talk show played.

 

“Hey Steve,” Bucky’s voice broke the stillness, “I think you’re right. I definitely had a crush on you when I saw the photos from the SSR files before the serum. You were so cute.”

 

Steve just looked at him. ‘Cute’ wasn’t a word he had ever wanted to be associated with, not back then. He was too used to being underestimated, and brushed aside. But coming from Bucky…

 

“What? You were. I mean, you still are, but little you… no wonder Ms. Carter--”

 

He was interrupted with a kiss. Although it wasn’t particularly heavy, Bucky still found himself dazed.

 

“I’m sorry, you were saying?” Steve said smugly. They chuckled faintly, and shared another soft kiss. “Hm, I wonder, would you still have liked me, without all the Captain America stuff?” Steve mused.

 

“What?” Bucky asked, brows pulled together. “Of course I would’ve liked you, Steve. What kind of question is that?” he asked, a little miffed at the insinuation that he only liked Steve for his title, or for his body.

 

“I just mean, well, no one really did, before. I was just an angry little kid.”

 

Bucky gaped at him. He couldn’t believe that no one, not one person, had ever wanted Steve before the serum.

 

“Are you serious?” Bucky asked. Steve nodded.

 

“Except Peggy; she was the only one who would talk to me for more than a few minutes. After I became Captain America, though, the USO girls… they were very forward. Then there was Private Lorraine, and-some French woman, oh, and then there was the HYDRA spy--”

 

“Whoa, who’s Private Lorraine? What the hell, Steve?” Bucky was mildly amused because of the red on Steve’s cheeks. He was still awkward talking about anything vaguely sex-related, unless it was strictly Bucky-related.

 

“Uh-she was an SSR agent. She-she kissed me once, and Peggy caught us and got pissed. She shot at me four times.”

 

“Oh-ho my god, that’s amazing!” Bucky shouted, before remembering that Lily was asleep a few rooms down. “Was that your first kiss?”

 

“Buck!” Steve whined. “Peg shot me and all you care about is the kiss?” he laughed.

 

“Answer the question, Steve!” Bucky demanded through giggles.

 

“Ugh, yes, alright? It was awful,” he conceded, trying to straighten his lips out.

 

“Aww, Stevie, I’m sorry. It should have been Peggy--that’s probably why she was pissed. She had to know you wouldn’t do that to her.”

 

“Eh, Peg was just as hot headed as I am. I did feel bad. But Lorraine just grabbed my tie and pulled me in.”

 

“What a jerk. Did Peggy actually shoot you?” Bucky asked, morbidly curious.

 

Steve gave him a look. “She shot the shield. Which I was holding. Four times.” He looked off to the side, nostalgia washing over his face. Bucky’s heart twinged, whether in sympathy or jealousy he couldn’t say. Something must have shown on his face because Steve tried to backtrack.

 

“Ah, sorry, I shouldn’t be--”

 

“No, no, it’s ok. You’re allowed to talk about her. She was a huge part of you life. I talked about Val, so, it’s fine,” Bucky assured him. He pecked Steve on the cheek, and another hush fell over them before Steve spoke again.

 

“You know she grabbed me as soon as I was out of that pod? Just patted me on the chest, like she couldn’t help herself,” he giggled, remembering the amazement on her face, and the quick tap she had given him. “I never saw her so...flustered.”

 

“She what? Really? I mean, I can’t say I’m any better. I can barely keep my hands off of you. And in the SSR uniform, mmm--”

 

“Will you stop, you kook? Jeez, there’s a child in the house,” Steve laughed. It was amazing that Lily hadn’t woken throughout their banter and Bucky’s shaking laughs.

 

“Just speaking the truth, Steve. You’re hot. You know you’re hot, so why are you getting all _flustered?_ ”

 

With a shocked expression at the wicked smirk thrown his way, Steve covered his mouth and tried not to roar with laughter. When he simmered down to giggles, he gave Bucky a kiss.

 

“You are a hooligan, James Barnes.”

 

“Hooligan? Alright, ok, Cap. Who used to get into fights as a kid? I’ll give you a hint--not me.” The shit eating grin on Bucky’s face was spectacular, and Steve was sure he could feel himself falling more in love with Bucky.

 

_More in love?_

 

And really, he knew he was in love. Had known for a while, and just hadn’t had the foresight to put a name to it. Natasha had known, Becca had known.

 

He loved Bucky.

 

He loved him, and his daughter, and his sister, and his mother, like he loved his friends. Like family. They were his family, added to his teammates, to make for a big extended group.

 

He couldn’t keep it in.

 

“God, I love you,” he breathed.

 

Bucky’s wide eyes peered into his own, lashes a dark outline in the dim light. His mouth fell into a strange frown. A stab of panic lanced Steve’s heart-- _I shouldn't've said anything, I made him uncomfortable!--_ until Bucky’s lips parted and met his. His metal hand came up to cup Steve’s cheek. He kissed him five times in quick succession, little pecks pressed to his mouth.

 

As his eyes fluttered in the gentle onslaught, Steve heard Bucky whisper back,

 

“I love you, too, Steve.”

 

He was pretty sure he was the one with the shit-eating grin, because his face hurt from how wide his lips were split across his face.

 

He pulled Bucky into his lap, kissing him hard. Bucky’s other hand went to his hair, while he straddled his legs. It wasn’t long before Bucky was standing, yanking Steve up by the arm and leading him to the bedroom.

 

“Buck, what about Lily?” Steve asked, only half-serious.

 

“We’ll just have to be quiet. Now, take me bed, Cap.” Bucky replied, only half-concerned. He smiled slyly back at Steve, who trailed behind like a loyal puppy.

 

“Whatever you say, Sarge,” Steve replied, huffing a laugh and giving his hand a squeeze.

 

*

 

Bucky was really glad he’d had the bright idea to set Lily’s alarm, and his own, the previous night. He was also glad that Steve was there to make him get up, because on his own, he might have just told Lily to go back to sleep.

 

But, he had to get her to school, and Steve had paperwork to do regarding his last mission with Sam. So, Steve made breakfast (cereal), and coffee (K Cups), and Bucky made lunch for his daughter. They walked her to school, and then Steve decided to take Bucky with him to the Tower.

 

He’d seen it before, had spoken to FRIDAY, and to the staff. He’d gone with Steve to have dinner with Nat, Sam, Clint, and Wanda. He’d brought Lily a few times, especially to use the pool, the ice rink, and the bowling alley.

 

He had yet to meet Tony Stark, as well a some of the other Avengers. He was always slightly nervous that they’d be there, but Steve had assured him he’d have warning.

 

Thor was somewhere else in the galaxy, according to Steve. Bucky was still having trouble accepting that Norse gods were real, and were actually aliens. Super soldier serum was science-he could get behind that. But alien gods who could summon lightning at will? Not so much.

 

Vision was nearly always with Wanda, unless he was away on a mission. The humanoid computer (Bucky didn’t really know how to refer to--him?) was also created by science, though still kind of...unsettling. Steve said he was weirded out at first, but that Vision actually has a personality. Plus, Wanda was smitten, so Bucky figured he was okay.

 

Colonel Rhodes was never in town, unless there was a mission or a party. Stark usually flew out to see him. Even Pepper Potts was hardly around, though Bucky understood that she traveled for the company. He looked forward to meeting them, as they seemed fairly normal, even if they were close with Stark. Tony Stark was never available.

 

Well, that or Steve told him to stay away when Bucky and Lily were there.  He didn’t really care which it was. Having grown up with news stories of Stark’s exploits, Bucky wasn’t jumping to meet him. Steve said he’d changed a lot in the five years they'd known each other, and Bucky didn’t doubt that. It was just...

 

Stark was loud and brash and exuberant and crude. Not exactly Bucky’s idea of a soothing presence. It wasn’t that he had anything against that, it was more that he was worried about being triggered. Loud noises, sharp objects… not his favorite things. But he doubted that Stark would ever mean him harm.

 

He still had time to psych himself up for meeting the others. For right now, he was looking forward to sitting with Steve in his apartment while the other man filled out his reports.

 

As he roamed Steve’s living room, he came across a sketchbook laid on an empty shelf in the bookcase. He’d seen some of Steve’s work--the odd piece he shared with Bucky, things he’d drawn for Lily, old sketches from museums, and things he’d sent in to be published. But he’d never seen Steve draw, nor had he ever seen a sketchbook anywhere near his person.

 

He was curious. What did Captain America draw when he had time to himself? Landscapes? People? Animals? Things from his past?

 

He reached for it before thinking better of it. Just because it was out in the open didn’t mean he was allowed to look at it. Steve may have just forgot to put it away. Maybe Steve didn’t want him to see it, or anyone.

 

Well, it couldn’t hurt to ask.

 

“Hey, Steve, you’ve got a sketchbook here, where do you want it?” he questioned, hoping it would open up a conversation about Steve’s art.

 

He heard the couch creak as Steve got up. He took it off the shelf and flipped through it quickly, humming.

 

“I was looking for this the other day. Did I ever show you? Not--not that you have to look, if you’re not interested.” And wasn’t that pure Steve? Wanting to share, but not at the cost of someone’s discomfort.

 

“Of course I want to see, I just didn’t know if...if you wanted me to. Didn’t want to pry,” Bucky finished with a shrug.

 

Steve waved him along till they were both sat on the couch, Steve’s reports pushed to the side of the coffee table. He opened the sketchbook, and immediately, Bucky’s breath left him.

 

It was the team. Busts of each member of the Avengers, done in what he guessed was charcoal. The shading was impeccable, the likenesses exact. Steve’s linework was crisp, but each face had an ethereal quality to it.

 

It was beautiful.

 

“Stevie, this is gorgeous. You taught yourself how to do this?”

 

He gave him a kiss on the cheek, and watched as a lovely pink washed over his face. He was endearing like this; so humble and shy at times.

 

“Thanks, Buck. I, uh, mostly taught myself, but I had started art school before Ma got sick. Wasn’t there long though. Didn’t even finish the first semester.”

 

Bucky’s heart clenched at that. He gave a lopsided grimace, not quite able to smile.

 

“Can I see more?” he asked gently.

 

Steve smiled and nodded, handing the pad to Bucky.

 

As he turned each page, Bucky took in the sweeping strokes and delicate curves of each drawing. Sam in flight, Redwing at his back. Wanda, comforting a small boy, while holding off a robot with her magic. Tony and Pepper giving each other heart eyes.

 

The Howling Commandos sitting around a fire laughing.

 

Peggy Carter, dancing with a faceless man.

 

“Wow...seriously, these are amazing.”

 

“I try,” Steve joked, even as his eyes took on a sad tinge.

 

Bucky flipped to the next page to find basic shapes arranged in what looked vaguely like a feminine figure.

 

“Oh. I forgot I started that one…” Steve mumbled.

 

Bucky looked up at him and asked, “Who is it going to be?”

 

Steve smiled softly.

 

“My Ma. I don’t have any photos of her so I thought if I could draw her, maybe…” he trailed off, tracing a curved line. Bucky imagined it would become Sarah Rogers’ cheek.

 

“Are you going to finish it? I’d...like to see her.”

 

Steve smiled and told him, “Yes, I do want to finish it.”

 

“Good. You should.” He placed his right hand on Steve’s back, in the space between his shoulder blades, and rubbed back and forth across the breadth of them. They stood in comfortable silence for moment, until Steve took a breath and spoke again.

 

“I wish you could have met her, Buck. She would've loved you, you know.”

 

Bucky smiled at that. He knew the basic facts about Sarah Rogers, like anyone, and he knew what Steve had told him of her, but he wished he could’ve known her. Hell, even a picture of her would have been amazing. The woman that raised Steve Rogers must have been someone special. Someone Winnie would have gotten along with fantastically. That thought made him laugh--Sarah and Winnie gossiping about their sons.

 

“I’m sure I would’ve loved her, too. Hey, uh… do you think--I mean, if it's ok, could I come with you? To see her?” Bucky looked up through his lashes.

 

Steve exhaled. Then his face broke out into a huge grin that showed most of his teeth and squished his eyes shut.

 

“You really want to? That'd be great, Buck! It's just been me visiting her, she would've loved that.”

 

“Yeah? Ok...Ok.” Bucky replied, nodding to himself. Steve’s hand came up to hold the side of his face. Bucky looked up to see such an easy fondness in his eyes, it made him weak. He turned his face into Steve's palm and kissed it.

 

Bucky just smiled at him. When they went to sleep later that night, Steve at his back, he dreamt of a tiny, fierce, blonde woman, with a slight brogue and an enormous heart.

 

**January 10, 2018**

 

Visiting the cemetery was strange. Although he’d been raised Catholic, Bucky had long since dropped any pretenses of being religious. He’d seen enough to deter him from believing. Steve, he knew, felt much the same. Still, being in a Catholic graveyard felt wrong to him, but he wanted to do this, for Steve.

 

He _needed_ to do this for himself.

 

Steve held his hand and led him to his mother’s headstone. He said nothing, just smiled down at it. The simple bouquet of pink carnations he’d bought was laid gently on the ground. His hand left Bucky’s to brush over the headstone, and then he kissed his own fingers and laid them to it.

 

Bucky watched. He watched his love greet his mother with all the tenderness he knew him capable of. His heart ached for Steve, for this man who had lost so much before he’d even been to war. But Steve seemed content, not melancholy.

 

“Hi, Ma. Sorry I haven’t come for a while… things have been-busy,” he said, with a mischievous glance at Bucky. Bucky was almost scandalized, but he smiled instead. “I brought Bucky with me. He wanted to meet you, and I know you would have wanted to meet him.”

 

Not knowing if he should speak as well, Bucky focused on the engraving in the stone:

 

[ ](http://imgbox.com/6DH1rxDw)

  
It was fitting, he thought. It was simple and direct. It was exactly what he thought it would be.

 

Steve must be just like her, Bucky felt it in his bones.

 

She lay next to Joseph Rogers, dead long before her, long before Steve knew he had a father at all. He would have to ask Steve, one day, how he felt about that.

 

But right now, he was here to see Sarah. Steve had been watching him read the epitaph, and when he finished, he grabbed Bucky’s left hand and spoke again.

 

“Ma, this is Bucky. This is my guy. You would love him, he’s everything I’m not,” Steve laughed. “He keeps me from doing stupid things, he patches me up. Maybe next time we’ll bring Lily?” he intoned at Bucky, who nodded. That would be nice. “I know I...complain a lot about the future, but I think I’m settled now that I have...what I do,” Steve continued, softly. “Bucky’s as good as they come, Ma, so you don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

 

Bucky blushed, knowing it was silly, but Steve said such sweet things, with seemingly no effort at all. Before he combusted, he thought he should say something.

 

*

 

“Mrs. Rogers, I wish I could have met you. You raised a good man. He… takes such good care of me and my girl. I’m so lucky to have him. But I promise that I’m taking good care of him too, best I can.” He felt a little odd speaking to air, but as he progressed he could imagine a petite woman with Steve’s coloring listening to him. “I’ll keep him out of trouble, and I’ll be there when I fail. I guess you could say… he’s it for me.”

 

He smiled at Steve, a sweet little thing that made his eyes crinkle in the corners. Steve fell a little bit more in love.

 

“We’re good, Ma. We’re happy. I think you would be happy for me, for us,” he choked out, finally feeling the weight of the visit. “I just wanted you to know that I’m happy, Ma.” He wiped at his eyes, but was still smiling.

 

Bucky shushed him gently, kissing the hand he held in is own. He let go and wrapped his arm around Steve’s waist, pulling him close and laying his head against Steve’s shoulder.

 

“She’d be happy, Steve, if she was anything like you. She’d be proud. I just hope she likes me,” the shorter man said quietly. He turned a little to say one more thing to Sarah Rogers.

 

“Thank you, for giving him to us.”

 

A soft snort sounded next to Bucky’s ear, making him chuckle. He kissed Steve’s cheek and tugged a hand, pulling away slightly.

 

“C’mon, love, we’ve got a dinner to make.”  

 

Steve started towards him, but paused and looked to his mother’s grave once more. He thought about everything that had to happen for him to be here, in this moment, with the love of his life. He thought about how much his mother had given him, and had sacrificed for him. He shed a final tear, and told her,

 

“I miss you. We’ll come visit again soon.” He kissed his free hand and pressed it to her name engraved in the headstone. “Love you, Ma. Thank you,” he said with an air of temporary finality. He let his gaze linger a moment longer before he turned to Bucky and followed back to the car.

 

*

 

Once they were buckled and the car was turned on, Steve sighed. Looking to Bucky, he whispered,

 

“Thank you.”

His sky blue eyes met Bucky’s, and it nearly stole the breath from his lungs how adoringly Steve was looking at him. It was like he’d given him the moon. It made Bucky feel heartbroken and giddy all at once. He couldn’t help but kiss him. His mismatched hands reached up to cup Steve’s face between them. His thumbs stroked over his cheekbones when they broke apart. He gave a final kiss to his lips, and then they were off.


	8. Chapter Eight

[ ](http://imgbox.com/j1cfwDNW)

**January 25th, 2018**

 

Bucky was alright with waiting. He had plenty of patience. He had to, with all of his experiences. Waiting to be active as he recovered. Waiting to go home. Waiting to be independent again. Waiting for his daughter to calm down. He’d had a ton of practice.

 

But, Steve had said the mission would only last two days, tops. It was now day five. And Bucky had not heard a word from Steve, nor any of his teammates. Steve had said he or someone else would check in if the mission was going to last longer.

 

Nothing. Not a word, from anyone.

 

At first, he was just plain pissed. How could they just not check in? FRIDAY hadn’t even said anything when he’d gone to the Tower to ask if she’d heard from the team. Tony hadn’t contacted Pepper. Nat hadn’t heard from Clint. It was insane. What jerks they were, did they not realize that they had people who cared about them that were waiting for news?

 

But by day four, he was scared.

 

There were so many things that could’ve gone wrong, so many dangers the Avengers faced.

 

He was trying to stay calm, and not let his anxiety permeate his home. Lily didn’t need that-she didn’t need to worry about Steve.

 

What if something had happened? What if Steve was hurt? What if they were all hurt?

What if Steve...didn’t come back?

 

_Oh god...what would I tell Lily?_

 

Bucky had always known that there was a possibility that Steve could be hurt or killed. That was the nature of his job. He held no illusions about Steve’s supposed invincibility.

 

But, god, _Lily…_

 

She would be devastated. She loved Steve, just as much as she loved him. He was her other father, as far as Lily was concerned (and Bucky and Steve had agreed, too). How would he explain to her that she’d lost another parent?

 

Then he was mad all over again. He was mad that Steve had come into their lives and settled in quickly, but could be removed so quickly too. He was mad at Steve, and at himself. He was furious that he had put Lily in a position where she could be hurt like that. He was just… angry.

 

And he was so, so scared that he was going to lose the love of his life. That he was already gone. It hurt to think about.

 

Then, he had an even worse thought.  

 

What if the Avengers couldn’t find Steve? What if he was hurt, and lost, and alone? What if he was by himself, _dying?_

 

He had to get a grip before he sent himself into a panic attack. Steve went dark fairly often on his missions. He wasn’t alone, he had backup. He would come home.

 

He had to.

 

Bucky was grateful to hear his jingling ringtone, and answered without looking to see who was calling him.

 

“Hello?” he nearly shouted.

 

“Bucky? Hey, man, you ok?” It was Sam.

 

“Is he alright?” Bucky blurted. He would normally have felt ashamed of himself, not even asking after Sam, but he wasn’t completely in his right mind.

 

“Steve? Yeah, yeah, he’s ok,” Sam answered, voice tinny through the phone’s little speaker.

 

Bucky let out a heavy, shaky sigh, and slumped down the wall he’d been leaning on.

 

“Let me talk to him. Please.”

 

Sam took his time answering, which did nothing for Bucky’s pounding heart.

 

“He’s uh...He asked me to call you. He’s not in a great place right now. Mission was rough,” Sam trailed off.

 

Bucky blinked. “He doesn’t want to talk to me?”

 

Another long pause. “He’s… It’s not that, he’s just not feeling too hot. He’s not hurt,” Sam rushed to assure him, “but he’s upset. Doesn’t want to talk to anyone, really.”

 

“Ok. Alright. What’s your ETA?” Bucky asked, mildly anxious.

 

“We’ll get him to you in two hours.”

 

Bucky nodded, before remembering that Sam couldn’t see him. “Ok. Thanks, Sam. Is he...What do I need to do? What can I do for him?” He knew Steve was hard on himself, especially when something went wrong. But Sam had more experience with a taciturn Steve. He heard a soft sigh, and the click of a tongue.

 

“Just be there. He’ll be happy to see you, man. Just let him do his thing.”  

 

“Alright. Everyone ok? Sorry, I should’ve asked--”

 

“Nah, you’re fine. It’s gotta be hard. We’ll all good, don’t worry. I’ll see you around, Buck.” Sam was so kind, and understanding, it was no wonder he was among Steve’s best friends. He was just easy to talk to, and had the gentlest way about him. Bucky was glad he could now count Sam as _his_ friend.

 

“Thanks for calling. See you,” he said, and hung up.

 

He let out a breathe, and got up. He was going to be there for Steve. Steve had dealt with all of his issues and anxieties and shit, and now he was going to return the favor. He didn’t know exactly what Steve would need from him, but he’d be ready. He would provide the comfort, or the talking, or whatever Steve wanted.

 

He just had to wait for him to come home.

 

*

 

He heard the key turning the lock, and before he registered what it meant, Steve was standing in the doorway. His uniform was torn, his helmet was missing, he had a bruise on his left temple. He limped a bit when he stepped into the living room, and there was dried blood crusted in multiple places on his body.

 

Lily, sat on the floor playing with a stuffed horse Steve had gotten her from Kazakhstan, gasped when she saw him.

 

“Steve! You’re home!” she yelled. She jumped up and ran to him, but Steve held his hands out to stop her from hugging him. “You’re hurt! Daddy, he’s hurt!”

 

Bucky stood and went to them, eyes glued to Steve.

 

“I’m ok, baby, I’m just tired,” Steve said to the girl. He glanced down at her and was obviously trying to smile for her. It looked more like a grimace. “It’s good to be home,” he murmured.

 

He was very nearly swaying on his feet, so Bucky ushered him to the couch.

 

“I’m all dirty, Buck--”

 

“Sit down,” he said quietly. Steve obliged with a groan. “Are you alright?”

 

Steve looked to him and sighed. “Mmhmm. I missed you two.” He looked a little more relaxed now.

 

“Lily, can you get Steve a big glass of water, please?” Bucky asked his daughter. She ran off, eager to help. He continued speaking to Steve. “Hey, you sure you’re not hurt too bad?”

 

“I’m good, Buck. I should’ve cleaned up at the Tower, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking she’d be home.” The remorse on his face was heartbreaking. Of course he would worry about everyone before himself.

 

“She’s fine, it’s ok,” he said. She had seen the scarring on his shoulder, so Steve’s apparently minor injuries weren’t that big of a deal. She was just concerned, he knew. His girl was tough, but she was the kindest kid he had ever known. He was proud of her. He hoped it said something good about him that she was such a good person. “You wanna take a shower? Or a bath? When’s the last time you ate?” He had grabbed Steve’s gloved hand and was stroking over the back of it with his thumb.

 

Steve just stared at him. Not dazedly, as Bucky would’ve expected, but adoringly. He had a sad little smile on his face, like his homecoming was somehow bittersweet. Bucky would ask, and would take care of Steve, but it would have to wait until Lily went to bed.

 

“I ate… maybe yesterday? I’m not totally sure…” Steve said finally. Lily returned with the glass of water, and handed it to him. He downed the entire thing in one go, and sighed. “Thanks, honey. I’m...gonna shower, if that’s ok?” The uncertain tone broke Bucky’s heart all over again.

 

“You don’t have to ask. You live here too, sort of,” Bucky smiled in a way he hoped was comforting.

 

Steve nodded, and hefted himself up. “I...might be a while,” he said.

 

“Take your time. I’ll have food ready for you when you’re done, ok?”

 

Bucky watched him go, feeling unbearably sad for his love. He must have been in such agony, physically and emotionally. Steve’s empathy was his trademark characteristic, and it was what Bucky loved most about him. But it often ran so deep that it hurt him when he felt he had failed.

 

“Daddy? Is Steve ok? He was acting weird…” Lily asked softly. She hopped up on the couch next her her father and snuggled into his side.

 

He held her close and told her, “He’s alright, Lily. He’s tired. How about you help me with dinner, so Steve can eat as soon as he’s done in the shower?”

 

She nodded vigorously, and led the way to the kitchen.  

 

*

 

Steve didn’t come eat that night. Lily was so worried she wanted to check on him, but Bucky knew he had probably collapsed in exhaustion, and urged the girl to go to bed herself when it was time.

 

She pouted, but obeyed, tired herself. She got ready, and Bucky put her to bed.

 

He gave himself about half an hour before he, too, felt tired enough to got to sleep. He crept into the bedroom, and stripped to his boxers. He went through his routine, and when it was time to actually get into the bed, he hesitated.

 

The thought that maybe he should sleep on the couch so that he wouldn’t disturb Steve crossed his mind. But Steve had looked so upset earlier, and Bucky thought he could use some comfort. He lifted the covers on his side,  and slid in. Settling in, his back to Steve's, he felt the other man let out a breath.

 

He turned to face Steve's back, hoping he'd turn as well so that he could see his face. Steve seemed to read his thoughts, as he did turn in the bed.

 

But the look on his face stole the breath from Bucky's lungs.

 

There were tears glimmering in his eyes. He was biting his bottom lip, as if he was trying to hold in sobs. His face appeared red and blotchy, even in the dark.

 

He must have kept quiet so Bucky and Lily wouldn't hear him breaking down. He must have laid in this room, quietly crying for hours, alone.  

 

“ _Steve_ …” Bucky murmured. He held out an arm, and the man to come closer, to lean on him, to let Bucky be his support. A low sob escaped Steve's mouth, and he shuffled towards Bucky. “‘S’okay, c'mere,” he whispered.

 

Laying his head on Bucky's chest, Steve let go. He cried, more delicately than he needed to, still holding back. He hid his face in Bucky's neck, and all Bucky could do was be there.

 

He rubbed Steve back, ran fingers through his hair, encouraged him to let it out-- the still- nameless trauma he kept from Bucky. He pressed kisses to the crown of his head and whatever else he could reach. All the while, Steve clung to him and wept.

 

Bucky wondered if this was what it was like for his family when he'd suffered breakdowns-- wanting to help, but without knowing the cause. He wondered if Steve had felt like this during his breakdowns. Helpless, but determined to do what he could. To hold him together as he fell apart.

 

He also wondered if Steve had ever allowed himself this. Had he ever given himself time to grieve the life he'd left behind? The wars he'd been asked to fight? Had he ever let himself cry for what he'd lost? Or for what he'd been unable to do?

 

A million questions swirled in Bucky's mind. What had happened? Had it gone so badly that people had gotten hurt? Been killed?

 

He couldn't ask, not then. And he was unsure if he ever should. Steve would likely tell him tomorrow when he had pulled himself back together, and hidden the pain behind the enormous shadows of his love and kindness.

 

So, he let Steve cry, and held him through it. He hadn’t expected Steve to start speaking in a broken voice, thick with spent tears.

 

“I couldn’t save them. Ten kids...the--the building collapsed, they were still in there…”

 

“Not your fault, Steve,” he answered hoarsely.

 

“They burned alive, Buck…” his voice broke, nearly a whine in his agony.

 

_Oh, god…_

 

“Steve, if you had gone in there--”

 

“I could have gotten them out. I _could_ have…” Steve trailed off, new tears flowing steadily down his cheeks, staining his pillow.

 

“You would have died. You wouldn’t have come home, and then Lily and I would be on our own again. You had to come home to us. It’s _not your fault._ ”

 

He willed Steve to believe his words, to stop blaming himself for something that had to be out of his control. Bucky knew that if anyone could've been saved, Steve and the team would've found a way.

 

Steve fell into a fitful sleep, while Bucky kept him close. He cried out a few times, and tears continued to leak down the side of his face. He brushed the tears from his cheeks, marveling at his long eyelashes. Bucky never let go, couldn't fathom ever letting this man go. He was so beautiful, with his blond hair, cerulean eyes, godlike looks. But he was also the kindest man Bucky had ever met, and the strongest.

 

He wondered, had anyone comforted Steve? Certainly Sarah had, but after… had anyone asked how Steve was? If he needed anything? Had anyone seen beyond his incredible strength?

 

And when he'd been found, had anyone checked on him? Had SHIELD given him any resources, like the VA had given Bucky?

Once again, he pushed the questions from his mind in favor of comforting Steve while he slept.

 

“It’s not your fault, love,” Bucky whispered before drifting off himself.

 

*

 

Steve woke exhausted, eyes itchy with dried tears, but feeling much better than he had the previous night. His heart was still heavy with the knowledge of what had happened yesterday. But, he was glad for Bucky’s steady solace. There was a glass of water on the nightstand, which he downed immediately.

 

Stretching a bit, he steeled himself to get out of the bed and face the day.

 

Seeing Lily both helped and hurt. He was grateful that she was safe, but he thought of the kids who hadn’t made it out of that building. He knew his teammates were in pain too, and he knew he should get back to the tower, do his duty as team leader, and make sure everyone was taking care of themselves, whatever that entailed.

 

So, he kissed the top of Lily’s head, and then Bucky’s, and headed towards his HQ.

 


	9. Chapter Nine

[ ](http://imgbox.com/EdoIeJEf)

**February 5th, 2018**

 

_He was in darkness, and the buzzing was so loud. Where was it coming from? He couldn’t open his eyes, but he felt himself being moved._

 

_The buzzing was growing louder, like it was coming closer to him. He struggled to move some part of his body, anything, hoping it would wake the rest of him up. Something was holding him down, keeping him still. The buzzing noise was going to consume him, and he couldn’t do anything._

 

_Where was he?_

 

_Suddenly, a white hot pain as the buzzing became muffled. His eyes shot open only to find dim lights aimed at him. There was a body to his left, someone moving about, that he couldn’t really make out. The pain on his left side was agonizing; he couldn’t think of anything else._

 

_He looked down at himself, only to find that he’d been strapped down and couldn’t break free for how weak he was. Looking to his left solved the mystery, but also served to horrify him._

 

_The buzzing was a bone saw; the pain, his arm. It was shredded beyond recognition by small metal slivers, dripping blood all over him and the floor. He’d been stripped of his combat uniform, and was laid bare for these people who were killing him._

 

_The buzzing stopped momentarily, though the pain didn’t, as a voice yelled in Kurdish. He didn’t know if they were yelling at him, or about him, or who these people were, if they really were killing him or saving him. He only knew pain and fear._

 

_He wished they would let him die._

 

_But they wouldn’t let him. And they didn't knock him out to complete the amputation, they kept him awake for the entire thing._

 

_He blinked and he had a sniper rifle in his hand, and was set atop a hill. In his scope was a tall blond figure, who looked to be holding a child on his hip._

 

_He heard a voice in accented English telling him to take the shot, or the repercussions would be severe._

 

_He aimed, finger on the trigger. The figure turned around, and the wind shifted, startling him. He pulled the trigger just as their faces came into focus--_

 

“NO!---” he gasped, feeling hands on him. He fought back, repelling the body with his metal fist. He landed a few good hits that left a sickening cracking sound in his ears, and he gouged at whatever he could get his hands on, screaming and sobbing.

 

There was a voice, a gentler one, a familiar one, calling his name. They never called him by his name, who was--

 

_Steve!_

 

All at once, the room he stood in the middle of came into focus, along with the tears on his face, the pain in his knuckles, the voice and the face of his love.

 

He looked up at Steve, and-- _oh my god!_

 

Steve’s lip was split, an eye blackened from what looked like a cracked cheekbone, he had blood on his shirt, and his arms were scratched up and bruised to hell.

 

_Oh no...no no no!_

 

“Steve…?” Bucky groaned out.

 

“Hey, honey, you’re ok, you’re safe,” Steve replied softly, moving towards him slowly with his hands held out in front of him, like Bucky was a trapped animal that would lash out at any second.

 

_I already did…_

 

“Oh my god...what did I do…? Steve, you--”

 

“No, I’m fine, Buck, I promise, I’m fine. Are you alright?” The injured man asked, always concerned with Bucky’s wellbeing.

 

He groaned again and collapsed to his knees, and covered his face with his hands.

 

Steve caught him in his arms and held him close. He stroked his hands along Bucky’ back, shushing him all the while. He let him cry, heaving sobs and hiccups and gasps. They froze when there sounded a knock on the door and a small, frightened voice asked,

 

“Daddy? Steve?”

 

Unable to form words, Bucky let Steve answer the girl, knowing that he was capable of comforting her.

 

“Go back to sleep, ok, Lily? We’re ok,” Steve assured her. Though he felt guilty for lying to her, she didn’t need to see her father like this, nor Steve with a busted up face, and he knew Bucky would agree. He hoped she would listen, and go back to her room.

 

“Is Daddy crying…?” she questioned, a tremble in her voice.

 

“Shit…” Steve whispered, still hugging Bucky to his chest. “Yes, but he’s alright. Lily, baby, I need you to go back to your room and try to sleep some more, ok? Can you do that for me?”

 

He heard shuffling on the other side of the door, and hoped she wasn’t settling in against it. There was no telling plop of a little body sitting on the floor, so he thought she might have listened to him. After a moment, she replied,

 

“Ok...I love you, Daddy. I love you, Steve.” His heart seized in his chest. It was one thing for this child to say she loved _him,_ someone she’d only known for a few months. It touched him more than he could say.

 

It was an entirely different thing hear her proclaim her love for her father while she knew he was hurting in some way. It was the sweetest thing he’d ever heard, and he made a mental note to bring it up to Bucky when he felt better. He’d worked so hard to make himself okay enough to take care of her. And she freely shared that she loved him and wanted him to know that when he wasn’t feeling good. She was such a sweet kid. It was a testament to Bucky’s parenting, and that of his family.

 

“I love you, too, baby,” he answered her.

 

Bucky was shaking in his arms, so hard that Steve thought he might fly apart. But still, he took a steadying breath, and answered his daughter.

 

“I-I love you, Lily. So much,” he bit out.

 

The strength in this man...Steve was awed. Feeling scared and angry and anxious, and still Bucky put his child first. Steve knew that there was nothing he would not do for Lily, but he could honestly say that he’d never experienced what Bucky was going through right now. His devotion to Lily reminded him sharply of his own Ma. She must have had the same kind of strength to have kept him alive for 18 years before she passed. He had always known that she loved him, but now he felt he was closer to understanding what she did for him, what she sacrificed for him.

 

The only thing he could do was listen, and be a rock when he needed to be. So that’s what he did. He held Bucky until he calmed down enough to express his guilt over having hurt Steve with his metal hand.  

 

“Fuck...fuck, Steve, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t--” he blathered. The remorse was nearly tangible with how sad he looked and sounded.

 

“Honey, it’s ok, I know you didn’t mean to. It’s ok.” Steve said, sincerely.

 

With a deep whine, Bucky protested.

 

“It’s not ok, I busted your face up! I could’ve killed you, Steve!” He was trying not to yell so as not to wake his girl again, but he was so upset, and so so mad at himself. How could he lay his hands on Steve?

 

“Buck, I know it looks bad, but it’ll be healed up by morning. And this is probably how I looked for a majority of my teenage years,” Steve said, trying to get Bucky to laugh or smile. But it backfired.

 

“You idiot! This isn’t funny! Steve, I could’ve put my fist through your stomach! I could have broken your neck! Jesus Christ, don’t you get it?! I hurt you!” He was straining to stay quiet while still conveying how disturbed he was by his actions.

 

“Bucky. Better me than any of the girls, don’t you think?” he asked, quietly challenging Bucky to oppose him.

 

Any adrenaline that had been coursing through his veins from his terrifying nightmare and subsequent breakdown disappeared, and left him slumping exhaustedly against Steve.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Steve, oh my god…” he mumbled into Steve’s chest. He was dimly aware of Steve’s hand stroking up and down his back, but he had no energy left. He didn’t say anything when Steve lifted him and deposited him on the bed. He didn’t feel Steve cleaning the small wounds on his flesh hand. He didn’t feel Steve climb back into bed with him, and he didn’t hear Steve say, ”I love you.”

 

____________________________________________________________________________

  


Bucky woke with a throbbing headache, and his eyelids stuck together from crying. He sat up gingerly, holding his head in his hands.

 

Had that really happened? Had he really hit Steve?

 

Bile rose in his throat, sour and hot. He spat it into the garbage can next to the nightstand. There was a glass of water and advil on top of it. He downed the pills and water in one go.

 

How could he face Steve? After what he'd done to him? How could Steve want anything to do with him?

 

He'd never woken from a nightmare with anyone else there, except in the hospital, where he'd been to weak to do anything dangerous.

 

God, what if his mom had been there? Or Becca? He really could have killed them if they had ever tried to wake him from a nightmare. And what about--

 

_Oh, god. Lily…_

 

He felt like he might throw up again, so he leaned over the side of the bed.

 

She had never come into his room when he'd been dreaming-- she'd been too little, and he hadn't had one in years. Why was last night different?

 

He heard soft but weighed footsteps falling on the floor, and tried to make himself look less of a mess than he felt. But he wasn't prepared to see Steve's face covered in bruises.

 

He didn't have to.

 

Steve looked just as he had the night before, prior to when they had fallen asleep. The only color on his face was the healthy pink on his cheeks, marking him as alive. His lip was healed, not even a scab was visible over where the split had been just hours ago.  

 

He sat on the bed by Bucky's feet and said nothing, seemingly content to just let him soak up some soothing warmth.

 

He didn't know what to say. He didn't know if there was anything he _could_ say to make this okay. He had heard of soldiers coming home with PTSD, and accidentally taking it out on their families, and he knew it wasn't uncommon.

 

But he felt like he'd abused Steve. Domestic violence-- isn't that what this was? He'd hurt Steve, his partner, in what may as well be their home. So what if Steve was a supersoldier and healed overnight? So what if Steve could take him down without breaking a sweat? He never would. He'd never put his hands on Bucky like that, no matter what.

 

But Bucky had hurt him.

 

What's to say he wouldn't hurt his family? If he couldn't tell the difference between Steve and his captors, the was no guarantee he'd know his daughter from a bone saw, or a metal cuff.

 

He was ashamed. He could feel himself trembling, and all he could think was that he didn't deserve this man and his empathy, his compassion. His love.

 

There was really only one way to fix this.

 

“Becca came and picked Lily up. How're you feeling, honey?”

 

“Terrible,” he answered, having no energy to lie.

 

One large palm was laid on his knee, and he wanted to cry. He rubbed angrily at his eyes.

 

“I'm so sorry, Bucky. What can I do? What do you need?” He sounded so concerned, so earnest. _Let him go before you fuck him up, too,_ a nasty voice told him.

 

“I...I think... you should go, Steve.” He was amazed that the words came out as evenly as they did.

 

Almost against his will, Bucky's eyes flickered up to Steve's in time to see the hurt flash in them before it was covered up with concern. _Just do it. You know he'll be better off without you…_

 

“Bucky, you don't have to--”

 

“Please go. I can't...I can't do this,” he whispered, shutting his eyes shut against the sudden burn of tears. He whimpered, feeling like the worst piece of trash in existence. He knew his would hurt Steve, but in the long run, it would be better for him. Plus, it made _him_ feel better, and he'd always been selfish. _He'll be safer and happier away from you, and you know it._

 

“... Is that what you really want, Buck? Because if you can look me in the eyes and say that, I’ll go. But I gotta tell ya, I don't think it is,” Steve said. It should have sounded patronizing, but coming from Steve's mouth it just sounded like love. Like acceptance. “What's in that head of yours? What are you thinking? Because I promise you none of it is true.”

 

Bucky looked up at that, and he wanted to be angry. Angry that Steve dared to tell him what he wanted, that he would dare to assume he knew Bucky's head better than he did.  

 

But he was right. He didn't want Steve to go.

 

He wanted to rage and yell and beg Steve to understand that Bucky did not deserve him. That Steve deserved better than some fucked up, one-armed mess who couldn't even take care of himself, let alone his daughter-- god, he didn't deserve her either, he should give up custody because who knew when he'd snap and hurt _her-- she deserves better, they all do and you--_

 

“Hey, hey, breathe, Bucky, you're ok,” Steve’s voice pulled him back into the present, where he was gasping for breath and sobbing, in the midst of a panic attack. “Sweetheart, c'mon, breathe for me. Nice and slow,” he continued, voice low and soothing.

 

Bucky tried to hold onto that voice, tried to follow its lead. He breathed as deeply as he could and blindly reached out a hand to grab for something--anything.

 

He felt a hand on his right shoulder, slowly running up and down his arm as Steve guided him back from the darkness. He heard his voice counting and distantly, he realized that Steve must have learned to do that from Becca, unless he’d had his own panic attacks to deal with at some point.

 

He wanted to ask about it, but he needed to get his breathing under control first. So he let it go in favor of once again focusing on the deep voice counting him back to the present. He forced his lungs to obey him and, bit by bit he grew calmer.

 

When he came back to himself what felt like hours later, he registered Steve's mouth moving against his hair, rustling it with his breath. Softly running his fingers through his hair, Steve was loosely wrapped around him, evidently to be a grounding force. Bucky appreciated it, and slumped into him, hiding his face under Steve’s chin.

 

“Steve,” he said, voice hoarse and muffled against his skin. “Stevie. I fucked up.”

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Buck. You didn’t. You were protecting yourself, you’re allowed to do that,” Steve insisted. He was so passionate in how he said it, like he really, truly believed that.

 

A new thought entered Bucky’s mind. _Steve wouldn’t lie to me, not even to spare me._

 

That made him stop in his tracks. Steve also wouldn’t let Bucky around Lily if he thought Bucky was dangerous to her. He wouldn’t let Becca into his home if Bucky were capable of hurting her.

 

_Right?_

 

“Steve. I hit you. And I’ve been thinking about...what if I hurt Lily? There are so many times I could have. What if… what if I’m just...dangerous?” he asked in a small, meek voice, still unsure of himself. He was fishing for reassurance, he knew, but he needed it. He needed Steve to tell him he wasn’t a danger to his family. He trusted Steve, and he believed he wouldn’t put his family in a bad situation.

          

“Sweetheart, you’ve never hurt her. You never even hurt your doctors, right?” He nodded slowly. “You’re not gonna hurt anyone, Buck. It was a nightmare, you were stuck.”

 

Bucky was suddenly struck with an urge, one he’d been fighting for months. He didn’t know if was too soon, or too much, or whatever. But he had to say it. He had to, he needed Steve to know, to _understand_.

 

“I love you,” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut tight. He felt Steve freeze under him, and felt a momentary stab of panic, but it was quickly replaced by relief at the reply.

 

“I love you, too, Bucky,” he said, pulling back to look Bucky in the eyes. All the dark-haired man saw was love, and he knew the words to be true. It wasn’t the first time they’d said it to each other, but really, Bucky realized he didn’t need Steve to say it back.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry I freaked out. And I’m sorry I was gonna break up with you because I--” Bucky rambled, only to be cut off.

 

“It’s ok. It’s ok, honey, we’re ok. You don’t have to apologize. But please, I don’t ever want you to think you’re too much, or too--anything. I love you, every part of you, good, bad, in between. Never, ever, think that you’re not what I want.” Steve shook his shoulders gently in an effort to make Bucky understand how much he meant the words.

 

Staring up at Steve with wide, pale eyes, he thought maybe he was starting to... _but..._

 

“How can you say that? How can you sit there with bruises on your face that _I put there,_ and tell me you want this? Why the hell would you want me? Steve, you deserve better! I can’t--”

 

“Do you think I don’t understand?” Steve asked quietly. “I’m no angel, Buck. My job is to hurt people, in order to protect other people. You’re not the only one who’s messed up.”

 

Bucky’s jaw clicked shut at that.

 

“I knew you were a soldier when I met you. And I knew what that might mean. I know what PTSD is, and I know what the effects can be. That what this is. This isn’t you _intentionally_ hurting anyone. That matters, Bucky.”

 

“Just like that, it’s ok? Because I didn’t meant to? That’s not enough,” Bucky said, with a glare on his face.

 

“Then I’ll fight back. If this happens again, I’ll fight back,” Steve said, knowing he could take Bucky down without harming him.

 

“You should have done that this time! Why didn’t you?” He was suddenly angry again, because he knew just as well that Steve didn’t need to do much to be able to stop him from doing anything physical.

 

Steve exhaled, a quiet breath releasing some tension from his shoulders. “Because I didn’t know what was happening. You were scared of something, and I didn’t want to make it worse. Please, honey, _please_ don’t let this scare you away from me, because I’m not afraid of you.”

 

He had a point. There’s no telling what would’ve happened if Steve had subdued him while he was in the middle of a nightmare. Maybe...maybe he was right. Maybe he wasn’t as disgusting as he thought. Maybe he could let Steve help him through his problems. “Ok. Ok, Stevie…” Bucky nodded against Steve's shoulder, utterly exhausted.

 

*

 

They took the rest of the day to relax, lounging about until Bucky felt calm and stable enough to call his sister. Becca was concerned, of course, but she was confident that Steve had taken care of her brother. She told him as much, adding that it was nice knowing someone was there for him, it set her mind at ease.  

 

“Oh, I see how it is, Becs,” he joked. “Steve's relieving you of duty.”

 

Becca laughed, and let him go with the promise of returning his daughter before dinner.

 

When she dropped Lily off, Becca grabbed her brother and hugged him hard, asking if he was truly alright.

 

Bucky hugged her back, and assured her she didn't have to worry.

 

Explaining to Lily what had happened the night before was a daunting task. Steve had offered to do it himself, but Bucky refused. He was her father. She deserved to know what was going on with him, and to not have him shy away from her. He knew he couldn't shield her from his shit forever, but it still sucked.

 

When Lily inevitably asked about the previous night, Bucky nodded to Steve to leave them.

Without backup, he explained in the simplest (and kindest) terms possible.

 

“You remember I told you that, before you came to me, I fought in the war?” he asked, pulling her into his lap. She nodded. “And you know how you have nightmares? And you wake up, and you're really scared?” Another nod. “Well, I get them too, sometimes. And I had one last night.”

 

Watching his daughter's eyes widen would have been comical, if not for the current discussion.

 

“What was it about, Daddy?” she asked curiously.

 

He ran his fingers through her chocolate waves.“You know how I got this?” he asked waving his metal arm. Lily shook her head. She had never known him without it, never thought about why he had it. “When I was fighting, some people took me. They…” he trailed off, trying to think of a way to phrase it so that Lily didn't get scared or sad. “They hurt me, my arm. Real bad. So it had to be taken off, and I got a new one.”

 

Bucky waited for her reaction, hoping he hadn't just traumatized his five year old. That was as much detail as he was willing to go into, but he wondered if it was too much. All she did was pick up his metal hand and lay her palm against it. He smiled. She'd never been afraid the arm, and he was so glad for it. Lily hummed for a moment, then turned around to face him.  

 

“You were crying…” she said, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“I thought I was with the people who hurt me. So I got really scared, and Steve had to help me calm down,” he told her.

 

“Like you do when I get scared, Daddy?”

 

“Mmhmm,” Bucky answered. He was happy to leave out the part where he bashed Steve's face in. She didn't need to know that. Not more at least.

 

They were quiet for a bit, and then Lily asked,

 

“You love Steve, don't you Daddy?”

 

He didn't know why he was surprised, really. Lily was extremely observant and intuitive. And it's not like he and Steve hid from her.

 

But still, the question caught him off guard. He floundered for a minute, and then sighed with a smile.

 

“Yeah, baby. I do. And he loves us. We're really lucky to have him.” His voice cracked with the sudden rush of emotion he felt. He was extraordinarily lucky, to have made it home from war, to have his mom and sister, to have such a kind daughter, to have Steve.

 

It clicked, in that moment, what they had all been telling him for years. He was worth their love. They took care of him because they loved him, not because they felt obligated to. To them, he was worth the effort, the care, the love.

 

 _Oh. Maybe they're right…maybe...I_ do _deserve this._

 

“Good. You smile a lot with him,” Lily said with a face-splitting grin.

 

Bucky had to laugh at that-- she wasn't wrong. There were times his cheeks hurt from smiling or laughing so much with Steve. He kissed the top of his girl's head, and made to call Steve back in.

 

The little family spent the night continuing their movie adventures, after a dinner of Chinese takeout.

 

Lily sat between Steve and her father on the big couch. While she was engrossed in the film, Steve laid a hand on the back of Bucky’s neck, gently massaging. Bucky leaned into it, and closed his eyes. A small smile formed and he sighed contentedly, the turmoil of the past twenty-four hours nearly forgotten. He drifted off with a heart full of love, and a mind full of peace.

  
**  
** **  
**


	10. Chapter Ten

[ ](http://imgbox.com/shRZmNLw)

**March 9th, 2018**

 

Steve met Bucky and Lily at an Indian restaurant in Manhattan. Bucky had chosen the restaurant because he and Lily loved Indian food, and the next day was his birthday, so he wanted to treat himself. It was an expensive place, but it was excellent.

 

Sam had, fortunately, introduced Steve to Indian food long ago, and while it wasn’t his favorite, he liked it well enough. He was surprised Lily liked it, with all the spices and richness and heat. But, he had learned that Lily would eat almost anything-anything except shrimp. That was fine with her father-he hated seafood.

 

They were doing it that day instead of on Bucky’s actual birthday because Steve would be away on a mission for at least the weekend, if all went well. It was supposed to be a simple one-intel gathering. But, Steve had realized years ago that the Avengers were hardly ever involved in anything simple.

 

Bucky had understood. He couldn’t fault Steve for having to do his job, and he would never hold it against him. But, he was worried. He’d seen Steve on TV multiple times, fighting in the Battle of New York, in D. C., and in Sokovia, and various other missions since they had started dating. He knew Steve was totally capable of taking care of himself. But Steve would be going dark for the few days he was away.

 

He would be with Natasha and Clint, along with Wanda; and she was sweet and extremely powerful. She would cover the two non-enhanced Avengers, and Steve.

 

Bucky was still nervous.

 

He didn’t want to say anything to Steve about it, didn’t want him thinking Bucky was mad or anything. And he didn’t want to distract him from what he had to do. He would just keep hoping he was ok, and that he would come home alright.

 

Lily, happy to be playing hooky for her dad's birthday lunch, was chattering away about how excited she was for first grade next year. She said Auntie Becca told her that there would be a lot of new little girls and boys to play with, and a lot of coloring to do, music class and computer class. She could show off how well she knew her numbers and the alphabet.

 

Steve listened with intense concentration, and a soft smile. Bucky’s daughter was adorable, and he could feel himself falling more in love with her. She was sweet, and intelligent, and curious, and well-behaved, and she loved her dad more than anything.

 

He had to marvel at how much she looked like Bucky. Her eyes were the same pale blue-grey. Her hair was the same shade of chocolate brown, with the same wave to it. She smiled with the same quirk to her lips. It was really amazing.

 

Bucky had been watching Steve’s face while listening to his daughter. He could tell that Steve was smitten with her. It didn’t particularly surprise him, not with how charismatic she was. But the way Steve looked at her sometimes took his breath away. He loved her, really loved Lily. He made a mental note to ask Steve if he had wanted kids, before.

 

Lily suddenly stopped talking as the ground started shaking. Thinking it was a mild earthquake, Bucky didn’t give it much attention. When it happened again, but was accompanied by a sound that was getting louder by the second, Steve got up and looked out the window.

 

Bucky knew something was wrong when the set of Steve’s jaw changed. He grabbed Lily’s hand, and saw that she had figured it out too.

 

“Steve? What’s--”

 

“Take her out the back entrance, get as far as you can, tell everyone,” Steve interrupted. His eyes had a hard edge to them that Bucky had never seen.

 

“What is it?” He tried again, fear setting in.

 

“Nothing good. Go, ok, I’ll meet you later on. Try to get everyone to follow you.”

 

Bucky sighed and his soldier’s instincts kicked in.

 

“Be careful, Steve. Lily let’s--” A loud cracking sound cut him off and Lily’s eyes turned towards the ceiling while the other patrons in the restaurant started yelling and screaming.

 

“Daddy!” she screamed, he covered her with his body, and then all he knew was darkness.

 

Steve watched in horror as the ceiling came down around them. He had almost made it to Bucky and Lily when a piece of the concrete hit his shoulder, knocking him down. He yelled for them, but Bucky was already down.

 

Lily was crying and pushing at her father’s shoulder. Steve crawled to them and covered them both as best he could. When the building seemed to have stopped crumbling around them, he sat up a bit, still mostly covering them.

 

“Lily, are you hurt?” He asked. She was covered in dust, except for the streaks where tears had run down her face. She didn’t answer him, so he grabbed her little face with one hand and swiped across her cheekbones with the other. “Lily, honey, are you hurt at all?” he tried again.

 

She shook her head no. He looked her over, but she only had a few bruises and scrapes. Nothing was broken. When he was satisfied that she was physically alright, he turned his attention to Bucky.

 

His leg was pinned by a piece of concrete, and he had a gash on his forehead. He seemed to be breathing alright though. Steve shook him a little.

 

“Bucky? Hey, Buck, can you hear me?”

 

Nothing.

 

“Bucky, I need you to wake up, love. C’mon.”

 

Still nothing.

 

Steve pulled out his StarkPhone and saw that Tony had already texted him that emergency was on its way to his location. That was one thing taken care of.

 

He started feeling along Bucky’s leg for broken bones or bleeding. He didn’t find blood, but Bucky’s shin bones were broken. He could feel the protrusions under the jeans, and he weighed moving the concrete. If there was any bleeding, the concrete might be keeping it at bay. If Steve moved the concrete, Bucky could bleed out without having broken his skin.

 

He tried one more time to rouse his boyfriend by lightly slapping his face and calling out,

 

“Bucky, you gotta give me something to work with here. Lily, I need you cover your mouth with your sleeve and breathe really deeply, ok? Can you do that?”

 

She nodded. She’d stopped actively crying, but he could still see a tear here and there. She did as he said, and asked in a small voice,

 

“Steve? Is daddy gonna be ok?”

 

He stopped what he was doing and looked her squarely in the face. She stared at her father’s face, jaw set. He laid a hand on her head so she would look at him.

 

“I don’t know for sure, but he’s breathing ok. Can you stay here with him for a little bit? I’m going to see how everyone else is doing.” he replied.

 

“Ok. I’ll watch him,” said Lily resolutely.

 

Steve patted her on the head and stood up, telling her he’d be back in a minute.

 

Miraculously, no one had died in the collapse. Steve ran triage until emergency got there and began digging them out. As soon as they did, he was back sitting at Bucky’s side. An EMT came over to the trio and Steve began explaining Bucky’s condition, and asked that Lily be looked over as well.

 

He saw the telltale red glow of Wanda’s magic before he realized that she was there, lifting debris and people out of it to safety. She caught his eye, and he nodded at her. She smiled back and continued her work. He heard the whine of Tony’s repulsors and the thunder heralding a certain Norse god. He guessed they had already dealt with whatever had caused this mess.

 

The EMT announced that she had finished checking Lily, and she would be fine. Steve called her over and tugged her into a hug. She fell into him and sighed. She sat on his lap, and he rubbed her back. They were offered blankets, both of which Steve draped over the girl. She must have been exhausted.

 

Steve rode in the ambulance that would take Bucky to the Tower’s medical center. He held Lily the whole way. Bucky had woken up briefly and shown that he had a concussion on top of his broken leg, but his prognosis was good.

 

Once they had determined that he was stable and was set up in a room in medical at the Tower, Steve asked for a cot to be brought in so that Lily could sleep, and as soon as she was out, he stepped out of the room.

 

He took a breath and let it out, shaking a little. He squeezed his eyes shut and kept them like that until he heard footsteps.

 

When he opened his eyes, he saw Tony walking towards him, smiling wryly.

 

Steve’s lips quirked up briefly, but he was too tired to keep it up.

 

“I had FRIDAY call his sister and mom. Sent a car, they’ll be here in a little while. Got a room set up for ‘em.”

Steve was touched that Tony had thought of that; he certainly hadn’t.

 

“Thank you, Tony. What happened? I saw the green glow washing over us.” Steve said.

 

Tony winced and rubbed his beard. He clearly knew Steve wouldn’t like the answer.

 

“You know the guys you were supposed to stake out tomorrow? They moved early. We were right, they were using the Chitauri tech, but they did something to it. Not sure what yet, Bruce and I are working on it. I just wanted to check in on you,” Tony told him.

 

Again, Steve was struck by how thoughtful Tony was. He knew he was missing Pepper, who was away in Atlanta for a conference. So, maybe he was just lonely, but Steve knew that wasn’t it. That was just Tony.  

 

“So, the mission’s off, right?” he asked, half joking.

 

Tony grinned.

 

“They fucked themselves over, so yeah, you’re free to stay with your boyfriend.”

 

It hit Steve again that Bucky was hurt. It must have shown on his face because Tony put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

 

“You ok, Cap?” He asked, watching him carefully.

 

Steve sighed, “Yeah. Just…”

 

Tony nodded and hummed.

 

“Yeah, I know how you feel. After the Extremis thing, all I could think about was Pepper hurting. It was… terrifying, to say the least. But, Bruce is monitoring him from upstairs, he’s hooked up to FRIDAY. Your boy is gonna be fine.”

 

Steve smiled a little sadly, telling Tony,

 

“Tomorrow’s his birthday, and he’s gonna spend it in the hospital.”

 

He looked to the door to Bucky’s room and whistled. Tony dropped his hand from Steve’s shoulder and patted it.

 

“You’ve got it bad, Steve. He won’t mind, not when you saved his kid. Go rest a bit, huh?”

 

Steve smiled at him. Tony had no idea how in love he was.

 

“Thanks, Tony. You too,” he said.  

 

The man walked away from him, and Steve turned around to go back to the room. Lily was asleep on the cot next to the bed.He covered her with a thin blanket. Bucky’s vitals were displayed clearly and nothing seemed out of order.

 

He sat in the chair next to the bed and dozed off until someone knocked on the door. Thinking it was a doctor, he got up to open the door without disturbing the Barneses. On the other side of the door were Becca and Winnie Barnes. They had both obviously been crying, but they didn’t look angry.

 

Becca threw her arms around him before he could speak, and he had to hug her back.

 

“Oh my god, Steve, I’m so glad you’re all ok! Thank you, thank you for taking care of them!” Becca cried. He rubbed her back and shushed her. He led the women into the room, motioning for them to sit, and then turned to Winifred Barnes.

 

She immediately went to her son’s side. Steve didn’t know what he could say to her that would ease her mind. He didn’t even know if she would want to speak to him.

 

She pet her son’s hair for a bit, before moving to sit on the bed next to her granddaughter. She sniffled, and finally addressed Steve.

 

“The last time he was in the hospital, he had lost an arm. He was silent for months. I didn’t think I’d get him back…” she trailed off, reaching for Bucky’s hand. Her thumb stroked over it and she continued, “Thank you. For saving both of them.”

 

Steve didn’t know what to say. _It’s my job? You’re welcome? I love them?_ Nothing sounded good enough, though they were all true statements. He looked Bucky’s face, searching for something to answer her with, while Winifred watched him closely.

 

This man loved her son and her granddaughter. Becca could see it. Bucky raved about how good he was to them. But here she was again seeing it with her own two eyes. Captain America was head over heels for her boy. She could see Steve struggling to say something, so she saved him the effort.

 

“Are you alright, Steve?” she asked him gently.

 

He nearly did a double take, but he caught himself and nodded solemnly.

 

She smiled warmly at him before she turned to Lily. The girl woke and blinked sleepily, trying to figure out where she was and why. Before she could freak out, Winnie took a small hand and said to her granddaughter,

 

“Hi, sweetheart. Everything’s ok.”

 

Lily sat up, looked around and saw her aunt and Steve, and then her father lying there, with all the tubes attached to him. Looking back at her grandma, she asked,

 

“Is Daddy ok? Steve?” There was a hysterical edge developing in her voice as it rose in pitch.

 

Steve knelt down in front of her and smiled his most convincing Captain America smile.

 

“He’s a little banged up, but he’ll be alright. We have really great doctors here, ok, honey?” Steve asked her. For a second, she looked like she might cry, but when she looked over at Bucky again, her jaw set with determination and she nodded. It was exactly what Bucky had done before the building came down.

 

“Lilypad, do you feel ok?” Becca said from the chair. She had evidently been trying to get her crying under control, and had finally succeeded enough to speak with her niece. “Does anything hurt?”

 

The girl shook her head with a quiet “no” and looked to Steve. He was still smiling at her softly and she smiled back. He’d saved her and her daddy, because he was Captain America, but mostly because he really loved them.

 

He was always around and helping Daddy around the apartment. He kissed Daddy all the time, and he read to her at bedtime. He called her the same things her family did, and he looked at them like they were so important to him. So, Lily knew that Steve loved them, and she loved Steve, and so did Daddy.

 

“I looked her over myself, Becca,” Steve said gently. He continued telling them about what had happened and what Bucky was facing.

 

“He has a concussion, so I have to wake him in a little while, actually. His tibia and fibula are broken, but it was pretty clean, so they set them. Some bruised ribs, some cuts. Bruce is- Bruce Banner, I mean- he’s monitoring everything and overseeing care.”

 

Becca gasped and Winnie looked like she might protest for a minute, but Steve cut them off.

 

“He’s patched me up himself more than a few times. He knows his stuff, and I trust him with my life, so I trust him with Bucky’s. I know you both know him as the Hulk, but Bruce-he’s the best there is. I’m asking you both to trust me.” He knew it was a low blow, using Cap as leverage. But it did the job. The women calmed down instantly.

 

“Did uh… did Tony tell you there’s a room set up for you upstairs? I mean, you can stay here, I just figured it might be more comfortable.”

 

Winnie answered him, saying they knew about the room and would be using it. She asked Lily if she wanted stay with them. The little girl, still very tired, agreed and made to get up.

 

Becca pulled Steve aside and asked him,

 

“Are you going to stay with him? I… I don’t want him to be alone.”

 

Steve put his hands on her shoulders so she would look at him.

 

“I’m going to stay with him. FRIDAY will let you know if anything happens, ok? I promise he’s in good hands.”

 

She wiped her eyes and nodded a few times, as if trying to convince herself her brother would really be alright. But she knew in her heart that Steve told the truth. Besides the Captain America thing, he truly loved her brother. The many interactions she had witnessed between them proved it to her. Steve was so good to Bucky, and Lily. He was good to her, even.

 

Winnie stood again, kissing Bucky’s forehead. She turned to Steve and stepped closer to him, arms spread wide. He hugged her back and told her he’d take care of her boy, to which she replied, rubbing his back,

 

“I know, Steve. I can see how much you love them, and he is absolutely gone on you. Get some sleep, sweetheart. We’ll come visit in the morning.”

 

He nodded to her. Becca hugged him as well, repeating her initial words of thanks, and kissed him on the cheek. He took Lily’s face in his hands and kissed the top of her head, while she said goodnight.

 

“Goodnight, baby.” He watched them go with a small smile.

 

Then, he was alone with his injured boyfriend, and it was time to wake him up to make sure the concussion hadn’t done more damage than they thought.

 

Bucky woke when Steve shook him gently, but as soon as he was satisfied that Bucky was ok, he let him fall back asleep. He crawled onto the cot, lying on his side facing the sleeping man. He reached out to take Bucky’s right hand, which was wired to a couple of IVs, and stroked thumb over the intact skin on his wrist. That’s how he fell asleep, holding his love’s hand.

  
  
  



	11. Chapter Eleven

[ ](http://imgbox.com/Pdx3q5H5)

 

**March 10, 2018**

 

Bucky heard the beeping before he opened his eyes. For a moment he thought he was back in a medical tent, down an arm and unable to shut out the moans and screams of other injured soldiers. But that wasn’t right, he’d been with Lily, and Steve. He tried to staunch the panic that was rising in him by thinking through what had happened.

 

They’d gone to the Indian place because his birthday was the next day and Steve had to go away on a mission. They’d just about finished their food when--

 

The weird green glow shone through the cracks in the ceiling before it collapsed. He must have been knocked out.

 

Another moment of panic-- _LILY!_

 

He groaned because he couldn’t yet speak for how dry his throat was. He reached out a hand blindly before his eyes fluttered open and the beeping became frantic.

 

Immediately, there were hands on him, stroking his hair, his face, his arms. A soothing voice shushed him a bit and he recognized it as Steve’s. He tried to get his eyes to focus as he croaked out,  

 

“Lily!”

 

Steve held his face between his hands and answered,

 

“She’s fine, Buck, she’s safe.”

 

Bucky sighed and relaxed instantly, trusting Steve’s word. His eyes closed again momentarily. Steve was still holding his face, rubbing his thumbs over his cheekbones.

 

“Steve…? You ok? What--what happened?” He said, gazing up at his boyfriend.

 

Steve gave him a sweet smile and said,

 

“Yeah, honey, I’m fine. Everyone’s going to be ok. You got pretty roughed up, though.”

 

Bucky let out a huff of a laugh, which turned into a wince.

 

“Ow, what the fuck. I feel like I got hit by a truck.” He whispered hoarsely. His head was throbbing, and the soft light was hurting his eyes. His leg hurt like hell, so he knew it was most likely broken. It was a little tough to breathe without pain, and his hand was really itchy from the IV needles. Something was pulling on his forehead as he moved his facial muscles.

 

“Not a truck, chunks of concrete. You’ve got a concussion, two broken bones in your right leg, three bruised ribs, and a gash on your head,” Steve told him, letting his face go..

 

“Mmm… sounds painful.”

 

Steve frowned.

 

“No kidding. Woke you up a couple of times, but you weren’t really...here. Asked why I was so pretty if I’m really Captain America,” Steve chuckled. Bucky flushed a bit, but it sounded like something he’d say on painkillers. “How’re you feeling right now?”

 

“Li’l loopy. Uhh...m’head hurts, my leg is on fire and I can’t breathe right, but other than that m’okay,” he slurred. He flashed a dopey smile at Steve, who looked like he was in pain. “Steve? What’s wrong, love?” He reached for Steve’s hand.

 

Steve shook his head and didn’t answer for a solid half minute. Bucky waited.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said in a whisper. “I’m so sorry.” He slammed his eyes shut.

 

“What? Steve, what are you--”

 

“You got hurt on my watch.” With an air of gravity, he kept speaking, “Lily could’ve been hurt if you hadn’t covered her. But I should’ve--”

 

‘What? You should’ve _known_? How could you, Steve? You said yourself, she’s ok. It’s not your fault,” Bucky insisted, slightly more coherent.

 

Steve wanted to argue, but Bucky let out a huge yawn that cracked his jaw. He blinked in surprise and let out a laugh, groaning softly when the movement jostled his ribs. Steve couldn’t help but laugh too. He was suddenly struck by just how much he loved this man. It was a little scary, if he was honest. He didn’t let himself dwell on it for too long, though.

 

“I mean it, Steve. You did what you had to do, and you got us out.”

 

Steve nodded, but didn’t look at Bucky. The man shifted in his bed, and grunted, clearly in pain.

 

“FRIDAY? Can we get him some more pain meds?” Steve asked the AI.

 

“Of course, Captain.” It answered.

 

When Bucky felt the meds taking effect he kissed Steve’s hand and smiled sleepily. “Ooh, they’re giving me the good stuff. See you later Cap?”

 

“Sleep well, Buck.” He leaned over to give him a quick kiss. He was out before Steve pulled away.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

  


He didn’t need to wake Bucky up after that, since he had been able to keep the conversation going and didn’t seem very confused after the initial ‘where am I what happened.’ FRIDAY still had his vitals connected to Bruce, or whoever was on duty. He felt much better after having spoken with Bucky, so he slept better.

 

The next time he woke up, it was to someone knocking at the door. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes as he stood to open it. He wasn't at all surprised to find Sam, Nat and Wanda there.

 

“Is this a bad time? We wanted to see how you were doing,” Wanda said, voice gentle.

 

“He’s asleep. I can have FRIDAY call you later? Are you guys ok?” Steve asked. It was great that they were checking up on them, but he didn’t know how Bucky would feel about all these visitors.

 

“Yeah, man, we’re all good. They just got the jump on us,” Sam assured him. “How’s he doing?”

 

“He’s ok. He woke up last night and we talked for a bit. He was hurting though.”

 

“How’s the girl?” Natasha asked suspiciously. Steve knew why-she was intrigued by the thought of having a little girl around the tower. She had very little experience with children before she'd met Lily. She found the sometimes brutally honest child refreshing.

 

“Lily is good too. She wasn’t hurt, but she was shaken up. She’s upstairs with her aunt and grandmother.”

 

Nat smirked. _Uh-oh._

 

“Oh, we know. We had breakfast with them this morning.”

 

Steve glared at her. It was one of her not-so-guilty pleasures to embarrass him.

_That must have been...interesting._

 

“Please tell me Tony wasn’t there.” Wanda patted him on the shoulder in sympathy. “Oh jeez…”

 

“Alright, well, we’ll let you two get back to your napping. Ladies, shall we?” Sam led them away.

 

Steve laughed to himself and hoped that Winnie and Becca approved of the company he kept.

 

Two hours later, Bucky awoke in a bit of a fog, but mostly coherent. FRIDAY alerted his family, who came to visit him first. Lily had hung off of his neck until Steve extricated her. Becca had cried and yelled at him for getting hurt while hugging him gently. Winnie kissed his cheek and softly told him that she was glad he was alright.  

 

His vitals were good, the dull throb in his head and slightly sharper one in his leg were bearable. Breathing was still uncomfortable, especially with a laugh or cough. But he was alright. He wasn’t alone, he wasn’t down another limb. He wasn’t in danger.

 

They all wished him a happy birthday. He took another nap when his family left for lunch, promising Steve that he’d eat something later.

 

He dreamed of alternatingly pleasant and terrifying things. He dreamed of the desert sand, red and clumped together with blood. He dreamed of swinging on the playset he and Becca had when they were little. He dreamed of Lily having gone missing, and of Steve kissing him senseless.

 

He woke disoriented and a little panicky, but Steve was right there, as he’d been the entire time. He ate some food, saying that it was so much better than what he had been given at the military hospital. They watched Downton Abbey for a bit. They asked FRIDAY to send someone to help clean Bucky up a little. He hadn’t missed sponge baths. At all.

 

When he was settled in his bed again, Steve decided to bring up the date.

 

“I’m sorry you have to spend your birthday like this, Bucky,” he said glumly.

 

The man in the bed smiled and replied,

 

“It’s ok. I’m alive, Lily’s ok, you’re ok. That’s all I can ask for.”

 

Steve didn't look convinced. His lips parted to refute the claim, but Bucky beat him to it.

 

“Steve, don’t. I mean it.” Bucky smiled, all sweetness, and Steve left it go in favor of picking the conversation back up at a later time.

 

After a bit of agreeable silence, Bucky told Steve that he wanted to meet the rest of the Avengers. Steve was a little reluctant to grant that wish.

 

“I don't know, Buck. Why don’t we wait till tomorrow, so you get a full day’s rest?” he tried.

 

Bucky hummed, but shook his head.  

 

“Alright, FRIDAY, send up anyone who’s around, please.” Steve was a little giddy, a little anxious, and a lot in love.

 

“Dr. Banner, Boss, Thor, and Vision are on their way,” the AI informed them.  

 

A knock on the door heralded their arrival, and Steve took a breath before moving towards it. He hoped they (mostly Tony) wouldn't be too intrusive.

 

When the door opened, they all stepped forward, and Tony, of course, opened with,

 

“Ok, where’s your boy toy? You’ve been holding out on us for months.”

 

Steve just groaned, not really surprised by Tony’s choice of words. He’d been calling Bucky that since he found out Steve had been dating someone.

 

“Come on in, guys.” He gestured sweepingly towards the man in the bed and said, “This is Bucky. Bucky, meet Tony, Thor, Vision and Bruce.” They came in and stood around the bed, not crowding but clearly interested.

 

Bucky was a little starstruck, not unlike he had been upon meeting Steve at the bakery that first time. Around him stood one of the richest men in the world, Iron Man (TONY STARK!), the God of Thunder, Vision the computer/man, and the goddamn Hulk. And they were here specifically to see _him_.

 

What had his life become?

 

He giggled nervously, gave a tiny wave and said,

 

“Uh, this is insane. I’m uh… Steve?” He said faintly.

 

Bruce stepped up to him and grinned a bit. He held out a hand for Bucky to shake.

 

“I’m Bruce, I’m overseeing your care. It’s great to finally meet you,” he said in his calm way.

 

Bucky glanced at Steve quickly, and seeing the fond look on his face, turned back to Bruce and shook his hand.

 

“Hi. Thanks for uh, keeping me alive, I guess,” Bucky said, before wincing.

 

Bruce just chuckled.

 

Vision stood at his side stone-faced, but clearly interested in the newest resident of the Tower.

 

“Sergeant Barnes, it’s good to see you are doing well,” he stated in his calm way.  

 

“Just Bucky is fine,” responded Bucky with a nod.

 

Thor, dressed in jeans and a red T-shirt, stepped forward with an outstretched hand. Bucky grasped it and couldn’t stop himself from staring at the man’s-god’s?- _arms._ Steve was heavily muscled, but this guy…

 

“It is an honor to meet you, James. I hear you are a man of courage and integrity and compassion, like our Captain. It’s no wonder he is so drawn to you.”

 

Bucky smiled to himself, a tiny thing. To know that Steve felt proud enough of him to tell his teammates was more than a little comforting.

 

“I-Thank you. Good to meet you.”

 

Thor smiled kindly, letting go of Bucky’s hand.

 

“Ok, come on, my turn, outta the way. Jeez you guys are terrible at this, we’re supposed to give him the shovel talk. Barnes, if you hurt Steve, we’re gonna--”

 

“Ooookay, thank you Tony, I appreciate the concern, but it’s completely unnecessary,” Steve bellowed, a little mortified despite having expected something much more vulgar from Tony. Bucky was laughing (and grimacing in pain) at the exchange.

 

“Wow, this is nuts. You’re really Tony Stark, huh? I thought you’d be taller,” Bucky stated mildly. Tony sputtered for a second and then pointed at Bucky.

 

“You-you’re a menace, an absolutely horrible influence on our dear Captain!” He feigned indignance. “I’m kicking you out, FRIDA--”

 

“Sorry, sorry, I’m on pain meds and I’m starstruck!” Bucky butt in, knowing Tony was only joking. He was still giggling a bit, and he caught Steve watching him, his own eyes twinkling.

 

They all chatted for a bit about everything and nothing. It was an hour and half before Bucky was yawning regularly enough that Steve shooed his teammates out of the room so his boyfriend could rest. They each said goodbye, wished him a happy birthday, and promised to return the next time Bucky felt up to it.

 

Bucky was asleep in minutes, snoring softly. He looked much better, more relaxed than he had the last time he’d been awake. The circles under his eyes seemed slightly paler. The purple bruising on his face and on his arms was more pronounced, however, and Steve frowned.

 

He’d known something was wrong before the earth had even started shaking. He should have gotten them out then. But he’d wasted time trying to figure out what was happening, and now his love was hurt. No matter what Bucky said, he knew it was his fault. He should have--

 

“Mmmmm I can hear you thinking... “ Bucky’s gravelly voice claimed.

 

Steve was immediately brought back to the present. He would pick up where he left off later, but for now, Bucky needed him here.

 

“Hey, you. Aren’t you tired, Buck?” Steve said, expertly ignoring Bucky’s comment.

 

Bucky glared at Steve, but it was made less intimidating by how small he appeared in the bed, attached to all the machines. A fresh wave of guilt swept through him. _That’s because of you._

 

“Stop it,” Bucky said in a flat voice. “Stop doing that. ‘S not your fault. You didn’t-make the ceiling come down. You didn’t break my-my leg, you didn’t hit me in the head, you didn’t let anyone _die,”_ Bucky rambled, slurring his words while his volume increased.

 

Steve raised his hands in a placating way, but Bucky wasn’t having any of it.

 

“No, Steve--” his voice cracked. “You-you’re fucking Captain America! You’re a hero, you--”

 

“Okay, okay, Buck,” Steve interrupted him. His heart rate was rising in his excitement, and his voice had taken on a desperate edge. Steve realized that the pain meds must have worn off and were now kicking in again. He leaned on the bed and brushed away some stray tears from Bucky’s face. “Shh, it’s ok.”

 

Bucky sniffled and slurred,

 

“‘S not. You’re not s-supposed to feel badly. You save people, you saved me. And Lily. ”

 

Steve sighed,

 

“Sweetheart, go to sleep, alright? We'll talk more when you're feeling better.”

  
Clearly wanting to continue arguing, Bucky grunted his displeasure. But he was much too tired. The painkillers took their hold and his eyes fluttered shut. He fell asleep to the feeling of Steve close to him, and of being nothing but safe.


	12. Chapter Twelve

[ ](http://imgbox.com/EfIQAsNr)

**March 17th, 2018**

 

When Bucky was released from medical one week later, he let Steve convince him to stay at the Tower for a while. He wanted to make sure Bucky was fully healed before he was left mostly alone. His mom liked that idea and, after turning down Tony's offer to stay in the Tower, volunteered herself and Becca to keep Lily with them while he recovered. The two women were confident that Steve would take care of Bucky. Lily wasn't keen on leaving her dad but he assured her he'd be fine, and that Steve would help him heal.

 

Upon moving him up to Steve's apartment floor, Bucky decided to take a nap. Steve insisted on Bucky using his bed, and he'd take the guest room, but Bucky vehemently denied that that was necessary.

 

“Steve, it's a California king bed, we can both fit.”

 

Steve shrugged and said, “I didn't want to assume.”

 

Bucky scoffed. They slept in his bed together whenever Steve was over, and they'd slept in this one many times. But Steve was a gentleman, and Bucky knew he was being considerate. He smiled fondly as he settled in, wearing some of Steve's old, worn clothes.

 

“You don't have to ask anymore.” Steve pulled a face, so Bucky assured him, “If I ever change my mind, I will tell you, alright? Now, c’mere, you dork. Take a nap with me?” He held an arm out and beckoned him to come lie down.

 

He did, but not before making sure there was water and painkillers on the nightstand, and Bucky's leg was sufficiently elevated. He climbed in next to Bucky and curled around him on his side. Bucky lifted his head so that Steve could slide his arm under him and pillow him.

 

He could feel Steve's eyes on him, and he wanted to tell him again that it wasn't his fault he’d gotten hurt. But he was so tired. The short trip from medical had wiped him out. He snuggled into Steve's chest as best he could, wishing Steve could hear what he was trying to project. Before long, he was asleep again, safe and warm.

  


**March 20, 2018**

 

“Bucky? You awake?” He felt terrible waking Bucky, but his family was here to see him, and Steve knew he’d be upset if he missed them because he was sleeping. So he waited for Bucky respond.

 

“Mm, yeah, ‘M up,” came the sleepy reply.

 

Steve smiled. “The girls are here. You want to see them?”

 

Bucky’s eyes popped open. He had hardly seen his daughter in the days following his hospitalization. He moved to sit up, but with his still-healing ribs, it didn’t go well.

 

“Hey, easy. Let me help you,” Steve said, grabbing his arm. There were crutches next to the bed, which Bucky grabbed for once he was up. Steve let him move towards the bathroom, knowing he could take care of that himself.

 

He would need help getting dressed though. His leg, still in a cast, and his ribs, made it hard for him to move the way he needed to put pants and a shirt on. Steve could tell that Bucky hated needing the help, but he was also used to it. Becca and Winnie had had to help him after the loss of his arm. He had confided in Steve that it was the most embarrassing thing he’d ever been through.

 

For some reason, he was embarrassed needing help from Steve, too. He hid it well, but Steve could tell from the set of his mouth, and the amount of sighs Bucky let loose. Steve didn’t think it was a pride thing-that wasn’t like Bucky. He figured it was more that Bucky didn’t want to be a burden.

 

Steve didn’t say anything, not wanting to be patronizing. He wanted to help Bucky of course, and he wished Bucky wouldn’t feel badly about it, but it was what it was. He did what he could, and offered help only when he thought Bucky really needed it. But he also wouldn’t let Bucky hurt himself.

 

“Steve...can you come in here?”

 

Steve opened the door to the bathroom to find Bucky leaning on a crutch, struggling to get his pants back up. He was blushing, and looking at the floor.

 

“Here, hold both crutches,” Steve said, as he pulled the sweatpants up Bucky’s legs. “There you go.”

 

“Thanks,” Bucky said quietly. He still hadn’t looked up at Steve. While debating if he should say something or not, a knock sounded on the bedroom door.

 

“Boys? You alright in there?” Winnie asked.

 

“Yeah, Mom, we’re good. Be out in a minute,” Bucky told her. He sat on the edge of the bed and turned towards Steve. “Help me with my shirt?”

 

Steve did so, telling his boyfriend, “Of course, love.” Bucky winced a few times as his ribs caught, but when he was properly dressed, he took a moment to just breathe. He reached out for Steve to come closer. When Steve stood in front of him, Bucky leaned his head on his stomach. Steve’s fingers threaded through his hair.

 

“Bucky?” Steve inquired. “C’mon, sweetheart, you have to eat so you can take your meds.”

 

“Yeah, ok.” He heaved himself up with Steve’s help, and made for the door. Steve followed behind, ready to keep him up if he stumbled.

 

He saw the second Bucky’s eyes fell on Lily. His whole face lit up, and a wide smile at upon his lips.

 

“Daddy!” The girl yelled. She was obviously trying to hold herself back from jumping on her father, and waited as patiently as a five year old could be expected to for him to sit on the couch. She hopped over to his side and snuggled into him. Even though she had seen him two days ago, she was full of excitement, and it was contagious.

 

“Hi, baby!” Bucky laughed. “How’s my girl?”

 

“I’m good. Are you better yet?” Steve chuckled at that. He wished Bucky would heal that quickly. He hated seeing him so miserable.

 

“Not completely, but I’m definitely getting there. Are you playing hooky today, kid?” He looked to his mom and sister.

 

“She wanted to see you,” Becca shrugged. “How could I deny her? Look at the face!”

 

“It’s one day, honey, she’s fine,” Winnie agreed.

 

Bucky laughed, “Ok, ok, I’m overruled, I get it. How’s it going?”

 

“All good. How are _you_ doing? You look much better,” Becca told him.

 

Bucky shrugged and looked to Steve. “I feel a lot better. Still...achy and can’t sleep, but Stevie is taking good care of me.” He smiled up at him for the first time that morning. Steve had to smile back. He was glad Bucky was feeling better with his family there.

 

“Of course he is, Steve’s a good man,” Winnie winked at them. “How are your ribs? Your head?”

 

“Ribs are...annoying. But I can definitely breathe better,” Bucky answered. “My head is fine, except for the painkillers. I hate them,” he said, only a little petulant.

 

“Daddy, you have to take your medicine!” Lily piped up. “That’s what you always say to me. ‘Gotta take your medicine so you’ll feel better.’”

 

The adults all laughed, and Bucky ran his hand over her hair, saying, “I know, I know. You’re right. Steve, you mentioned something about breakfast?”

 

“Yep, I’m on it. Ladies, you want anything?” Steve asked.

 

Lily asked for a cinnamon bun, which Steve had to tell her was, regretfully, not in stock at the moment. She pouted for a moment until her dad shifted a bit next to her. She grabbed his hand to play with his fingers instead of dwelling on the lack of pastries.

 

Steve left to get Bucky a bagel, loaded with butter, and water along with his meds.

 

While Steve was in the kitchen, Becca asked her brother about his leg.

“Bruce took some more X-rays, said it’s healing well. Still going to be a few weeks though till this thing can come off,” he said sourly, gesturing to the cast around the broken limb. “But at least I got to _keep_ my leg,” he said with a wry smile. He looked up from it to see the disapproving faces of his mom and sister.

 

“That’s not funny,” Becca admonished.

 

He grimaced and nodded, in lieu of an apology. He brightened at the sight of his bagel, and made grabby hands at Steve. Lily giggled, and Steve gave him the water first.

 

“Hungry?” Steve teased.

 

“Yes, thank you, dear,” he answered as he took the water and the plated bagel. The bite he took was comically large, enough that Steve feared he might choke.

 

“Jeez Bucky,” Becca laughed.

 

Aside from the choking hazard, Steve was happy to see Bucky being so lively and eating with gusto. He hadn’t had much of an appetite because of the pain pills, but he seemed to be recovering from that, as well as his injuries.

 

Bucky listened to the conversation around him while enjoying his bagel. Lily asked to have a bite, and was granted. After having eaten, he took his pain pills. He hadn’t realize he’d drifted off until he felt himself being lifted into strong arms. Steve laid him on the bed, while Becca pulled the covers up to his chin. He mumbled something even he couldn’t understand, and someone kissed his forehead. The next thing he knew, Steve was rubbing his good shoulder, saying he needed to eat something.

 

“Hmm…? Wha’ time is it?” He asked.  

 

“Seven. I made soup. You want that? Or something else?” Steve petted his hair, speaking softly.

 

“Soup, please. But can you help me--I gotta pee,” Bucky said, blushing a bit. He knew Steve wasn’t grossed out, or put off in any way--that wasn’t Steve. But he still felt… ashamed. He had never liked depending on others, but it had been necessary multiple times in his life.

 

He knew he was in safe hands.

 

“Yeah, of course,” Steve replied, without blinking. He flipped the covers, and Bucky sat up, swinging his legs gently over the side of the bed. Steve looped Bucky’s arm around his neck, and wrapped his own around Bucky’s waist. Together, they hobbled to the bathroom. Steve let Bucky do his thing, and when he was done, Steve was there to help him to the kitchen table.

 

While Steve warmed the soup, Bucky asked after his family. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

 

“Lily was adamant that you need to rest,” Steve said, smiling. “She's in the living room watching TV.”

 

Bucky smiled back, and thought of his girl patting his hands, and giving him hugs. He was so lucky to have her.

 

He was lucky, in general.

 

“Excuse me. Ms. Romanoff, Mr. Wilson, and Ms. Maximoff are here. Should let them in?” FRIDAY asked as Bucky finished his dinner.

 

“Yeah, sure,” Bucky answered, whole face brightening. It would be good to see them. They had been off on a mission for a few days, along with Tony.

 

He heard the footsteps getting louder, and turned in his chair to see the trio walk into the kitchen. Wanda reached him first, and she bent a bit to hug him. Nat did the same, and patted his shoulder. Sam hugged him too, and sat next to him, while the two women took the other seats around the table.

 

“How you feeling, man? You doing ok? Steve treating you ok?” Sam asked, trademark toothy grin on display.

 

Bucky laughed, while Steve pouted.

 

“I’m alright. My ribs are bothering me, but I’m ok,”  Bucky murmured, feeling weirdly shy. Although he had spent time with the Avengers, it was a little overwhelming knowing they all cared so much about him.They cared about _him_ , not just as Steve’s boyfriend, but as his own person. It was...nice.

 

Wanda frowned a bit and leaned forward. “You know we can get you stronger medicine, yes?”

 

Bucky nodded, “Yeah, but I don’t like taking them when they’re too strong. Make my head hurt, and I can’t think straight.”

 

Wanda’s mouth formed a small ‘o’ in understanding, and she sat back in her chair.

 

Natasha hummed, and then spoke. “Better to work through pain than fog.”

 

“Yep. I have enough problems focusing without painkillers making it harder.”

 

Nat crossed her arms and, voice flat, asked, “I guess it’s going to take a while for you to be able to spar, huh?”

 

“I’ll arm wrestle you. Pretty sure it wouldn’t be fair, though,” Bucky offered cheekily.

 

Steve snorted. “You really want to try her, Buck?”

 

“Yeah, man, I don't think you wanna go there.”

 

“Maybe if I give you some extra juice,” Wanda said.

 

Natasha laughed, not a dainty thing, but a loud, hearty laugh.

 

“Wow, guys, thanks for the confidence boost,” Bucky said, feigning offence. He couldn’t keep his face sour, though. He started laughing, as did the others.  

 

Before long, he was reminded of his cracked ribs, and was holding his side. He made a pained noise, and Steve rubbed his back.  

 

When he felt better, he realized that the room had become silent.

 

“I’m ok, really!” He reassured the group. He was touched that they were so concerned about him. Bucky thought that it must be difficult to see him in pain when it wasn’t something they could help, or fight. He counted himself lucky, to have gained not only Steve, but also a bunch of friends who genuinely cared about him.

 

“Maybe we should let you rest,” Wanda suggested. Her eyes were wide, as if she were alarmed.

 

“No, no, I’m fine. It’s just my ribs. I’m good, I promise!”

 

“You sure, Buck?” Steve asked gently.

 

Bucky’s head bobbed a few times. “I haven’t seen you guys in days. I miss everyone.”

 

They all seemed to take him at his word, which he appreciated. Being coddled was… not fun.  It just proved to him that these people were familiar with and accepting of how people dealt with trauma differently.

 

It was a good feeling.

  



	13. Chapter Thirteen

[ ](http://imgbox.com/okAVC4vn)

**July 3, 2018**

As the months flew by, missions were completed, kindergarten was finished, and family was solidified. Steve and Bucky were independent as ever, but they also often came as a set. And Lily, Becca, and Winifred were all counted amongst the ever-growing family of oddballs that was the Avengers. In turn, the Avengers considered themselves adopted by and honorary members of the Barnes family. Movie nights were shared by all when possible, worries were expressed  when some were on missions, or on the news.

 

But no one could begrudge Steve and Bucky their alone time, as they certainly deserved some. Even the most tactless people on the team agreed, as did the ones in their own relationships.

 

So this night saw Steve and Bucky in their still sort of new shared apartment in the Tower (Steve’s apartment with Barnes accessories throughout, from the two having moved in), without any kind of company. Lily was with someone (Bucky had no cause to worry about with whom because she was in the safest place on Earth, and with one or more of the most capable people on Earth), and they were looking forward to their night.

 

Steve was just as unconcerned, and possibly a little more impatient than Bucky, to get on with their activities.

 

He had some things planned. Important things.

 

Of course, nothing could be easy, or timely.

 

A mission had kept Steve late, and when he’d returned home, he was hoping to jump in the shower and get on with his evening with Bucky.

 

Bucky had other ideas.

 

He’d taken one look at Steve in the suit and knew that he’d been wasting valuable time _not_ appreciating Steve in it.

 

He backed Steve into the wall next to the elevator and kissed him hard, fingers running through Steve’s beard.

 

“How have I never realized,” he kissed him again, “how hot,” kiss, “the suit is, unh.”

 

Steve laughed breathlessly, and held Bucky at arms length to tell him, “I _am_ hot...and sweaty, and disgusting, but I’m flattered, Buck.”

 

“I don’t care, put the shield down and meet me in the bedroom,” Bucky answered, punctuating the order with another kiss. He turned on his heel, and headed there.

 

Steve was left staring after him, muttering about orders. But, he did as he was told. He hoped he could still spin the night in his favor. Well, he was pretty sure he’d enjoy the night no matter what, but his plans were _important._

 

When he swung the bedroom door open, he was simultaneously surprised and not to find Bucky standing, completely nude. Eyes glued to Bucky’s form, he made to loosen the collar of the suit, but Bucky shouted an unintelligible sound that stopped Steve in his tracks.

 

“NO! Leave it on.”

 

“Buck, it’s covered in--”

 

“I don’t care. You’re gonna fuck me in the suit. Christ, why didn’t I think of this before?” he muttered to himself.

 

Steve laughed nervously, genuinely troubled over the less than clean state of his combat suit. It really was nasty, Bucky could get an infection, it wasn’t--

 

“STEVE. Now please. I need you,” the unclothed man said, .

 

How could Steve deny his love?

 

*

 

“Ok, maybe I should have listened to you.”

 

“I did warn you. Twice.”  

 

Bucky lay on his side, facing Steve, who was finally naked. The lights were dimmed, and there was water on the nightstand, half gone. “I know, you ass. It was hot at the time. Now I just feel...bleh.” He grimaced.

 

“ _Thanks,_ Buck,” Steve chuckled.

 

“Hey, it did the job. Seriously though, I didn’t even ask how it went--that’s how...uh...flustered I was,” Bucky replied, still flushed, and getting redder. He lifted his right hand to Steve’s chest and gently poked around a cut that had gotten through the kevlar. “You are ok, right? I didn’t make you ignore your health?” he asked, more softly.

 

Steve sighed and kissed Bucky’s forehead. “I’m fine, it went well. And I’m not going to lie--I kind of liked the way you played tough, and then got all sweet and--” a hand covered his mouth.

 

“God, you’re the worst,” Bucky laughed. “You weren’t like this before!” Steve chuckled and kissed Bucky’s palm, making him move to stroke his bearded jaw. Gazing into cornflower blue eyes, Bucky was almost overcome with love. He blinked away stinging tears, smiled, and shook his head a bit, hair rustling on the pillow underneath.

 

“What, honey? What is it?” Steve asked, all soft concern.

 

“I can’t believe this is my life now,” he replied, with a crack in his voice. He saw Steve’s face fall, and had to stop it. “I mean, it’s hard to think of where I was...before we met. I’m happy. No caveats, no buts. I’m just...happy.”

 

The smile on Steve’s face was blinding. He pulled Bucky closer to him, tucking the dark head under his chin. “I’m glad. I’m really glad to hear that, Bucky.”

 

Just as Bucky was snuggling in, a small smile on his own face, Steve pulled away. He made a distressed noise and grabbed after him, only to grasp nothing but air. Steve was leaning over the side of the bed, rummaging around in the nightstand drawer.

 

“Steve, get back here!”

 

“Hold on...where is it? Ah-ha!” He sat up in the bed, one hand clenched around something.

 

“Where is what?” Bucky said, also sitting up, thoroughly confused.

 

Steve’s face changed then, from nearly giddy to contemplative. He stared down at his clenched hand, hidden in a blanket fold, where Bucky couldn’t see what he was holding.

 

“Steve…?” Bucky said gently, unsure of what the change in demeanor meant.

 

“You know, I never thought I’d be here. I was supposed to die as a teenager, from some illness or another. Then, it was the war, Avengers battles… I’ve had a lot of second chances. And I’m kind of tired of taking them for granted,” he looked up through long, dark lashes at Bucky. He was watching him carefully, as if he was afraid to interrupt Steve. His slate blue eyes were wide, enraptured. Steve continued, “Meeting you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Buck.”

 

Bucky inhaled sharply, not so much in shock as in joy. “I got pretty lucky that day, too, Stevie,” he said in a soft voice. It was true.

 

Steve smiled at him fully. He reached out his free hand to stroke Bucky’s messy hair. When it stilled on Bucky’s cheek, he met his gaze and took a breath.

 

Bucky was vaguely aware that he did too, though for what purpose he didn’t know.

 

“Marry me,” was Steve’s hushed not-quite question.

 

Bucky blew out the breath in a dry sob. “ _What…?”_ He asked, a little dazed. “What did you just...Steve. Steve, did you--are you--”

 

He knew what he wanted to say, what his answer was--had known it from the first time he realized he loved Steve. But he couldn’t get his words to work.

 

Smiling gently, Steve waited. He didn’t really think Bucky would say no, so he hadn’t really phrased it as a question. But he always wanted to give him an out, never wanted to force him into anything. “You don’t have to ans--”

 

“Yes. God, yes! Steve, how could--Yes!” He hopped up a little bit to kiss Steve hard on the mouth, though he missed and got just the corner. “Steve?!” he yelled, hoping Steve could understand what he couldn’t quite put into words.  

 

Steve exhaled, and kissed him back. “Yeah?” He asked, breathless from joy. When Bucky nodded vigorously, he finally showed his hand--a little blue box, which contained a set of simple vibranium rings,each engraved with a single small star. Bucky looked at them reverently, hands shaking as he reached towards the box. Steve removed one of them, and took Bucky’s shaking left hand. He held the ring up and said, “Tony said he could solder it on if you want. If you don’t, that’s fine too, or you can wear it on your right hand, or whatever you want to--”

 

“Steve, please put it on before I pass out,” Bucky requested, still sounding a little stunned.

 

The blond man laughed and did as he was asked, and then placed his own ring into Bucky’s hand. Still shaking, he managed to slide it onto Steve’s finger without incident. He looked back up into baby blue eyes and melted at the fondness directed at him.

 

“God, I love you,” he breathed. Then he slung his arms around Steve’s shoulders, and leaned his head against Steve’s. “I _love_ you,” he repeated, willing the other man to feel just how much.

 

“And I love you, Buck, so much,” Steve answered, kissing Bucky’s temple. “But, I’m not done yet, sweetheart,” he said, dropping to a whisper.  

 

“Hmm? What else could you possibly be hiding up your sleeve, Cap? Something better than a proposal?” Bucky asked, regaining his faculties and able to tease a bit.

 

Steve got off the bed and walked into the next room, which served as an office of sorts. He came back with two pieces of paper. Sitting on the bed, he laid out the first, which looked like a contract on first glance. There was a line on which Steve had signed his name, and a second, blank line. He looked up, brows furrowed, trying to figure out what was happening.

 

“What is this?”

 

“Read it,” Steve said, laying a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

_This is to certify that James B. Barnes is consenting to the adoption of his daughter Lily Barnes by Steven G. Rogers, and that Steven G. Rogers will be considered a co-parent of the child._

 

_X ________________________________

  James Buchanan Barnes

 

_This is to certify that Steven G. Rogers is consenting to parental responsibilities regarding Lily Barnes, and will be considered a co-parent of the child._

 

 _X_ _Steven Grant Rogers_

   Steven Grant Rogers

 

Bucky’s heart stopped.

 

_What? Lily? He wants to…_

 

His eyes were wide, almost comically so. But Steve wouldn’t dare laugh.

 

This had been something he was unsure of, but he hoped that by having already signed the paperwork, it would show Bucky how serious he was, and how much he wanted this.

 

“You want to adopt my daughter?” Steve almost didn’t hear him, Bucky was so quiet. “Lily? You...want to adopt her?”

 

Steve fought the urge to wince, as his first thought was that Bucky was angry. Maybe he shouldn’t have assumed Bucky would be on board. He was always going to talk to Bucky, he wasn’t trying to go behind his back, he just thought it would be--

 

“Steve? I--you really want to?” Bucky asked, tears shining in his eyes, hands shaking while holding the papers. “ _Steve.”_ The intensity in that one word shook Steve to his core, and he realized he had been right the first time--Bucky was happy.

 

“Yeah, Buck. You know I love her, I feel like she’s mine too. If you’re ok with it, I think this would be a great birthday present.” Bucky slouched forward to rest his head on Steve’s chest, effectively silencing him for the moment. His hands came up to rub Bucky’s back and neck after he pulled the comforter up around them. “What do you think?”

 

“Yeah, yes. She already thinks of you as her parent, Steve. This is incredible! But we have to ask her first.” Steve nodded. Of course Lily should have input in her future, that was a no-brainer. “If she doesn’t want this...it’s not happening. Ok? It’s her choice.”

 

“Of course, Buck, whatever she wants,” Steve agreed. He resumed stroking the long chocolate hair, and was rewarded with a magnificent smile.

 

Bucky wound his arms around Steve’s neck, and pulled him in for a kiss. “Happy almost birthday, Stevie.”

 

At some point, the papers wound up safely on the floor, the lights were turned out, and the two men were enthralled with each other.

 

Much later, they spoke in hushed tones about how much their lives had changed in one night. They spoke of happy birthdays, future plans, and gratefulness. They spoke of family members and friends and parties, and missions and fears and worries.

 

Mostly, they basked in the love they had encountered by chance, a love that each man had never dared to seek out, but were infinitely grateful they had found.

[ ](http://imgbox.com/X5Uk4SVi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you feel I've handled something inappropriately, please let me know how to fix it. If I've left out any tags you feel are important, I'd also like to know so that I can add them in. 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed this little journey with me. :)


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